joke.id,joke.ts,joke.title,joke.content
101,"2018-04-12 01:26:53","Reindeer Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Short Reindeer Jokes What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station! Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? ""Rude""-olph! What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? ""Horn""-aments! Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party? Because he didn't want to be recognised! How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air? You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer! What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail? She'd go to a ""re-tail"" shop for a new one! Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road? Because he was tied to a chicken! What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh? Rudolph the red-nosed pickle! Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer also works as a maid? Yup! Comet cleans sinks! What do you call a blind reindeer? No eye deer (no idea) What do you call a reindeer with three eyes? Reiiindeer Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they look silly in snowsuits! Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers? Comet! Why is Prancer always wet? Because he's a ""rain""-deer! Did Rudolph go to a regular school? No, he was ""elf""-taught! Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers! Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they would look silly in plastic macs! When should you give reindeer milk to a baby? When its a baby reindeer! Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him! Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? ""Rude""-olph! What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can't hear you! What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke? This one will ""sleigh"" you! How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He looks at his calen-""deer""! Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch? ""Deery"" Queen! What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy? ""Elk""-a-seltzer! How do you get into Donner's house? You ring the ""deer""-bell! Why is Prancer always wet? Because he's a ""rain""-deer! What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles? Santelope! How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down! Reindeer Bar Jokes Antlers According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. Santa One day, Santa saw a young deer with a glowing nose of red...he smiled at him and waved to young creature. The deer dropped his bottle of gin and exclaimed ""Oh Sh!t...it's Santa!"" And ran away. Santa rubbed his beard and shook his head. ""I think I'll call that one Rude-off."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a reindeer in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the reindeer because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
102,"2018-04-12 01:26:57","Rhinoceros Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? A: Elephino. (HEll if I know) Q: What has 2 tails, 3 horns and 6 feet? A: A rhino with spare parts! Q: What did the grape say when the Rhinoceros stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the Rhino cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: What's grey but turns red? A: An embarrassed rhinoceros! Q: When does a Rhino go ""mooooo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What happens to a Rhinoceros during puberty? A: He gets horny. Q: What do you call a rhino in a phone booth? A: Stuck! Q: What is as big as a rhino but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow! Q: What time is it when an rhino sits on your bed? A: Time to get a new bed! Q. What do you get when you cross a Rhino with a garden? A. Squash! Q: How do you stop a rhino from charging? A: Take away his credit card! Q: What do you call a drunk white rhino? A: A wino albino rhino. Q: How do you know there is a rhinoceros in the fridge? A: You cannot shut the door. Q: What's more amazing than a talking Rhino? A: A spelling bee! Q: What do you call a Rhino with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What do you call a slutty rhino? A: a rhihoe. Dear Unicorns.....real animals have curves. Knock knock Who's there Rhino! Rhino who? Rhino every knock knock joke there is. Knock knock Who's there Rhino! Rhino who? Rhino which way the wind blows. Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck and a rhino in the cab. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with rhinos in this town! Take him to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with a rhino, and he is wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take this rhino to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking him to the beach!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Rhinoceros walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Rhinos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Rhino. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Rhinoceros walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Rhinoceros."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Rhinoceros falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Rhinoceros."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Rhino sitting next to him. ""Are you a Rhino?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Rhinoceros replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
103,"2018-04-12 01:27:00","Seagull Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Why do seagulls have wings? To beat the Gypsies to the rubbish tip What do you call a seagull when it flies over the bay? A bagel. Why did the seagull fly north? Because it was to far to walk. Q: Where do seagulls invest their money? A: In the stork market! Q: What do you call a man with seagull on his head? A: Cliff Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment? A: The Birds Eye counter! Night of Drinking A man and his pet seagull walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my seagull."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the seagull falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a seagull."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a seagull sitting next to him. ""Are you a seagull?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The seagull replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
104,"2018-04-12 01:27:05","Seal Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Baby Harp Seal A baby harp seal was crawling around the rocky shores out in the open. A greenpeace person ran over to it and said, ""Don't you know there are evil men out here to kill you and take your skin? Why are you out here in the open?"" The baby seal replied, ""Beats me!"" Bartender Baby seal goes into a bar, the Bartender says ""What'll it be?"". The seal replies ""Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks!"". Complimentary A man walks into a bar where the only other occupant is a seal. he orders a beer and hears the seal say ""I like your tie."" confused the man ignores the seal. But every few minutes the seal calls out another complement. When the bartender comes the man asks ""what's with the mammal?"" to that the bartender replies ""oh that is our seal of approval"" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of seals. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with seals in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of seals, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these seals to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Religious Eskimo The devout eskimo lost his favorite Bible while he was ice fishing. Three weeks later, a baby seal walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The eskimo couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the seal's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the baby seal. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet seal walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my seal."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the seal falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a seal."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a seal sitting next to him. ""Are you a seal?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The seal replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall? A: ""Dam!"" Q: What does a seal get from sitting on the ice too long at the zoo? A: Polaroids! Two baby harp seals walk into a club...... Q: What did the baby seal say when it was late? A: ""I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."" Q: Why are George W Bush's school grades like a seals eating habits? A: They're both below C level! Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear? A: A seal in each paw! Q: What do you call a seal in the desert? A: Lost. Q: What did the seal with the broken arm say to the shark? A: Do not consume if seal is broken. Q: Where do Seals get money from?"
105,"2018-04-12 01:27:10","Shark Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Short Shark Jokes Q: What kind of shark is always gambling? A: A CARDSHARK Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show A: Shark Trek Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers? A: They're too nice! Q: What do you call a solitary shark A: A ""lone"" (loan) shark Q: Why do sharks live in the ocean and not the sky A: The sky is Jet territory Q: What did the seal with the broken arm say to the shark? A: Do not consume if seal is broken. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy! Q: Why don't sharks like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! What did the shark say to the whale? What are u blubbering about? Q: What's the difference between OJ Simpson and the Sharks? A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence... Q: WHat doe a shark like to watch on tv A: Anything but Flipper! Q: What is a sharks favorite bible story A: Noah's SHARK Q: What was the shark;s favorite James Joyce novel A: FINnegan's wake Q: What do you call a shark that can't stop singing ""U Cant Touch This?"" A: An M.C. Hammerhead. Q: Why did the shark throw his clock out the window? A: He wanted to see time fly! Q: Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef? A: To get to the other TIDE Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark? A: an animal that talks your head off. Q: How do you make a shark laugh? A: Tell a whale of a tale. Q: What is a sharks favorite Dustin Hoffman Film A: Midnight Caudal Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actress A: Dorsal Day Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actor A: Shark Hudson Q: Why did the shark commit suicide A: He was tired of feeling like he was swimming in circles Q: What did one shark say to try to comfort a friend who had just gotten out of a relationship A: ""its ok there are plenty of other birds in the sky"" Q: What do yuppie sharks like to drink A: Jaw-va Q: What was the nerd shark's favorite programming language A: Jaw-va Q: what is the shark worlds favorite macintosh web browser A: jawvari Q: What was the shark jazz musician's favorite illegal substance? A: Reefer! Q: why did the mommy shark and daddy shark get divorced A: they no longer loved each other Q: What do sharks eat for dessert? A: Octo-pie. Q: Who was the first shark elected president of the united states? A: James K. Shark Q: What was the sharks favorite Orson Welles movie A: Citizen Kane-i-kokala Q: What does a snowshark give you? A: Frost bites. Q: Whats the Great White Sharks favorite candy? A: The Jaw-Breaker! Q: What was the sharks favorite B-52s song A: Love Shark Q: What did one shark say to the other after eating a clown fish? A: 'Not only does it look funny, but it tastes funny too.' Q: What is a shark's favorite smell? A: Human blood. Q: What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich A: Peanut butter and jellyfish! Q: how did the crazy shark become normal again A: electro shark therapy Q: why did the street sharks get arrested A: dorsal profiling Q: what did the street shark say when something radical happened? A: JAWESOME Q: Why doesn't anybody like the stand-up comedy of Margaret Shark? A: She bites! Q: Why don't sharks have tools? A: They don't have opposable thumbs Q: Whats green and gross and lives under the sea? A: Shark boogers! Q: What did the teenage sharks say when they were having sex? A: ""we're going to need a bigger condom!"" Q: What should you do if you see a shark? A: Swim far, far away! Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: A mulatto scuba diver who has just been mauled to death by a shark Q: What does a shark eat for dinner? A: Whatever it wants! Q: What was the shark's favorite Tim Burton film? A: Edward Scissorfins Q: What do sharks use before attacking surfers? A: Sun Scream. Q: Where can you buy sharks on Wall Street? A: At the shark (stock) market, of course! Q: What do British sharks like to eat? A: Fish and kids! Q: Why did the shark cross the road? A: To get to the other tide! Q: What was the shark's favorite Pixar movie? A: Eating Nemo Q: What did the shark plead in the murder case? A: Not gill-ty! Q: Where are sharks from? A: Finland. Q: Who was the shark's favorite Norwegian painter? A: Edvard Munch! Q: Who was the shark's favorite 20th century art figure? A: Marcel DuChomp Q: What's better than a shark in a blender? A: Two sharks in a blender Q: How did the shark avoid serving in the army? A: He was a conscientious ob-shark-ter Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind shark excel at? A: Finball Q: What kind of shark is always quoting Shakespeare? A: A bard shark Q: What do you get if you cross a shark with a Rottweiler? A: An abomination unto God Himself Q: What's worse than being bitten by a shark? A: Being bitten by a vampire shark Q: What do cat sharks cough up? A: Human balls. Q: Why are shark comedians so funny? A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth! Q: What magical spell causes the victim to bleed profusely? A: Shark-temsempra Q: Did the shark who was raised by fish receive any education? A: Yes, he was home-schooled (in a school of fish) Q: What is the shark worlds most popular comic strip A: Seanuts Q: Why are sharks so patriotic? A: They are marine fish Q: What would they call a quarter pounder with cheese at a hypothetical McDonalds for sharks A: a quarter flounder with cheese Q: What brand of caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts do sharks prefer? A: Cracker Sharks Q: Why aren't there any shark puppeteers? A: They have no hands! Q: What's worse than one shark coming to dinner? A: Two sharks coming to dinner Q: What was the teenage sharks favorite internet site A: MyShark Q: What was the college student sharks favorite internet site? A: Finsbook Q: Who was the sharks favorite character on NBC's ""The Office"" A: Michael Shark Q: What's a shark favorite substance? A: Reefer Q: Who was the sharks second favorite character on NBC's ""The Office"" A: Dwight K. Shark Q: Why didnt the lumberjack shark believe in God A: He chose log-shark (logic) Q: What kind of sharks make the best pog players? A: Slammerheads! Q: Who gives sharks presents on Christmas? A: Santa Jaws! Q: What do you call the stuff between a shark's teeth? A: Slow Swimmers. Q: What is King Arthur?s favorite fish? A: A swordfish. Q: What was the marine biologist's kid's excuse for not having his homework? A: ""My shark ate it!"" Q: Why did the shark joke book writer's wife leave him? A: She wanted to start a relationship with that blond-haired meathead who ""wrote"" 200 Gross Jokes Q: What do sharks call human children? A: Appetizers. Q: What kind of photographs do shark crime scene investigators use? A: Placoid photos Q: What was Shark Elvis's biggest hit? A: You Ain't Nothin' But A Houndshark Q: Who was the politcally saavy shark's favorite Newsweek reporter? A: Fareed Sharkaria Q: What is the keenest kind of shark? A: A swellshark! A shark swims into Sea World and says whale whale whale what have we here. I saw a man at the beach screaming, ""Help, shark, help!"" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him. Shark Bar Jokes Rich Millionaire A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!' Two Brothers One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood. They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill. John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him. Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, ""Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."" Jack calls back ""Yeah Im coming bro"" John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg. Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline ""Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs. Jack yells back ""yeah hold on Im coming!!"" John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms. He yells back to his brother Jack ""Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."" Jack calls back ""Hold on Im coming!!!"" Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells ""Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."" And as usual Jack replies. ""Just wait Im coming"" The shark then bites off Johns other arm. Now John has no arms or legs. His brother finally arrives to save him. Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore. When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh ""I feel fucked"" And John replies ""Well I had to hold on some how!"""
106,"2018-04-12 01:27:13","Sheep Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A: A Candy Baa. Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow? A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood. Q: What do you call a sheep with a machine gun? A: A b-aa-aa-aa-d situation. Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? A: Merry Christmas to Ewe! Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: ""Fleece Navidad!"" Q: How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater? A: Don't be silly - sheep can't knit! Q: What animal sounds like a sheep but isn't? A: A baaaa-boon! Q: What do you call a dancing sheep? A: A baa-lerina! Q: What do you call a sheep that is always quiet? A: A shhhheep! Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs? A: A cloud. Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine? A: An animal that can sew its own sweaters. Q: Where did the sheep get a haircut? A: The baa-baa shop! Q: Where do sheep get their wool cut? A: At the baa-baa shop! Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a porcupine? A: An animal that knits its own sweaters Q: Where do sheeps take a bath? A: In a baaaa-th tub! Q: Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway? A: Because she did a ewe-turn! Q: Why couldn't the little lamb play outside? A: It was being baaaaaaaad! Q: Where do sheep go when they die? A: To the baa baa que. Q: Why are sheep baaaaaad drivers? A: They always make illegal ewe turns. Q: Where do sheep go on vacation? A: To the baaaaaahamas. Q: What did the sheep want to do? A: To wool the world. Q: What do you call a religious sheep? A: a baaaa=ptist. Q: What Jewish holiday do sheep celebrate? A: Baa-nukkah What football club do sheep's like? Baaaaaaaaa-rcelona. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A woolly good jumper. Q: What do you call sheep taking over France? A: Baaaa-stile Day. Q: What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A: A Lamborghini Q: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket? A: He was a baaaaaaaaad driver. Q: what is a sheep's favourite food? A: chocolate baar. What stroke do sheep enjoy doing? The baaaackstroke! A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. What sound do they make? Baaa-Dum-Tssss! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sheep's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the sheep. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet sheep walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my sheep."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the sheep falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a sheep."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a sheep sitting next to him. ""Are you a sheep?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The sheep replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a sheep in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that sheep?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the sheep again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that sheep to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a sheep in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No, the sheep because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away. A shepherd was looking for a lost sheep, after a couple hours he found it stuck in some briar bushes and covered with mud. He rescued the sheep. After several slanderous remarks about the muddy dumb sheep, the sheep blurted out, ""What are you griping about, I almost drowned in the pond?"" Shocked at hearing the Sheep speak, the Shepherd asked the sheep why he was in the pond in the first place, ""Don't you know sheep can't swim?"", We were not swimming, we were wallowing in mud and I stepped into, a deep hole?"" ""Who is we?"" the Shepherd asked. ""Me and the pig?"" The sheep replied. ""Why on earth would you wallow in mud?"" asked the Shepherd. ""Well the pig said it would make me cooler, I was getting hot."" The shepherd asked the sheep where the pig was. The sheep replied. ""He went back to the barn."" So the Shepherd put the sheep on his shoulders and began his trip back to the barn. He did not own a pig, and he planned to take the pig to task for the mud wallowing incident. The next day the shepherd?s rich neighbor a farmer came by and inquired if the shepherd had seen his pig. Soon the Shepherd began telling the rich farmer about the sheep and pig story, and demanded compensation for the incident caused by the farmer's pig."" The farmer expressed his doubts to the Shepherd, whereupon the Sheep blurted out ""He's right, it was your pig that did it."" Just then the rich farmer realized that this was a talking sheep. He thought to himself, ""I can make millions with a talking sheep. He stopped the discussion and asked if the shepherd would take 500 dollars for the sheep. The shepherd replied that he would consider the sale on an as is basis, no guarantees. The farmer then bought the sheep and the trade was done. The shepherd turned and as he walked away the farmer heard him say ""Well that's one less diseased and dying sheep I have to worry about, Your pig said he was full of shit anyway."""
107,"2018-04-12 01:27:18","Skunk Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Have you heard the skunk joke? A: You don't want to; it really stinks! Q: How do you make a skunk stop smelling? A: Plug up its nose! Why does the skunk bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink? A: A phew! Q: How much money does a skunk have? A: One scent! Q: What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? A: Odor in the court! Q: What did the religious skunk say? A: ""Let us spray!"" Q: What do you call a flying skunk? A: A smell-icopter. Q: What do you get when you cross a bear and a skunk? A: I don't know, but it can easily get a seat on the bus! Q: What do you get when you cross a robot and a skunk? A: R-2 P-U! Q: Which rapper do skunks like? A: 50 Scent! Q: Why are skunks so smart? A: Because they have a lot of scents! Q: Why did Sally bring her skunk to school? A: For show-and-smell! Q: Why didn't the skunk call his parents? A: Because his phone was out of odor! Q: Have you read the autobiography by the skunk? A: Don't bother it stinks! Why did the skunk sleep under the car? Because he wanted to wake up oily Did you hear about the joke about the skunk? No? Good because it stunk! Q: What do you get when you cross a bear and a skunk? A: Winnie the PU A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a skunk walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the skunk's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the skunk. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my skunk."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a skunk."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a skunk sitting next to him. ""Are you a skunk?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The skunk replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a skunk in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that skunk?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the skunk again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that skunk to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
108,"2018-04-12 01:27:23","Sled Dog Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What is worse than a sled dog howling at the moon? A: A whole team of sled dogs howling at the moon! Q: What do sled dogs play with to amuse themselves? A: Their ""Sony Sleigh Station"". Q: What do you get if you cross a sled dog and a cheetah? A: A dog that chases snowmobiles - and catches them! Q: What do you do if your sled dogs won't run? A: Get the AHA (Arctic Husky Association) to make an emergency service call. Q: What do you do when you park your sled in very cold weather? A: Plug in your dogs. Q: What is the difference between a sled dog and a mailbox? A: You don't know? No wonder we're not getting any mail from the Arctic! Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers on the tundra? A: A bud hound! Q: What would you get if you crossed a puffin with a sled dog? A: A dog that lays pooched eggs! Q: Why did the hunter name his sled dog Frost? A: Because Frost bites! Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog? A: It chases parked snowmobiles! Q: What did the hunter say when the polar bear ate his sled dog? A: ""Well, doggone!"" Q: What do sled dogs say before telling you a joke? A: ""This one will sleigh you!"" Q: Why did the sled dog cross the snow softly? A: Because it just got hit by a snowmobile and couldn't walk hardly. Q: What is the difference between Santa Claus and a warm sled dog? A: Santa wears a whole suit - a dog just pants! Q: Why did the sled dog in the Iditarod race wear little booties? A: Because its kamiks were being repaired! Q: What time is it when ten sled dogs are chasing a polar bear across the ice? A: Ten after one. Q: What does a sled dog that was an Iditarod competitor become after it is ten years old? A: Eleven years old. Q: What did the sled dog take when it was run down? A: The description of the snowmobile that hit it! Q: How long are a sled dog's legs? A: All the way down to the snow. (Or maybe... four feet?) Q: Where are sled dogs trained? A: In the mush-room! Q: What is a sled dog's favorite sport? A: Formula 1 drooling! Q: Why did the sled dog bite the man's ankle? A: Because it was a short dog and couldn't reach any higher! Q: Why do sled dogs bury their bones in the ground? A: Well, doesn't everybody put their leftover food in the refrigerator? (Permafrost is a handy thing, y'know.) Q: Why do sled dogs bury their bones in the ground? A: Because they can't put them in the trees! Q: Why is it called a ""litter"" of puppies? A: Because they mess up the whole igloo! Q: What do you call a litter of young dogs that have come in out of the snow? A: Slush puppies! Q: How did the sled dog make antifreeze? A: It ran off with her blanket! Q: Where should you leave your dog team and sled? A: At the barking lot! Q: How is a sled dog like your nose on a cold day? A: They both run! Q: Where do sled dogs go when they've lost their tails? A: A retail store. Q: Ten sled dogs shared one umbrella, yet none got wet. Why? A: It wasn't raining. (There's no drownpour here - the Arctic is a desert.) Q: What do you call a sled dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter what you call it, it still won't run! Q: How many legs to sled dogs have? A: Six. Forelegs at the front and two at the back! Q: If your sled dog fell through a hole in the ice, what is the first thing it would do? A: Get wet! Q: How many hairs are in a sled dog's tail? A: None. They're all on the outside. Q: What did the sled dog with a limp say after it finally tracked down and cornered the hunter? A: ""You're the #&%@!#%* that shot my paw!"" Q: Why did the sled dog run in circles? A: It was the watchdog and needed winding. Q: How do you make a slow sled dog fast? A: Don't feed it! Q: Why aren't sled dogs good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet! Q: What did one sled dog say to the other while leaving the party in the igloo? A: ""That was one of the best parties we've ever been to... and then you had to go and do that on the floor!"" Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog? A: There's a long pause after ""Bow"" while it tries to remember ""Wow"". Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog? A: Buries its tail - wags its bones! Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog? A: When you give it that canned food from down south - it just eats the meat-by-products part! Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not be an Iditarod winner? A: Its collar doubles as its medic alert bracelet. Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not like you? A: You catch it gnawing on your snowmobile's brake line. Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not like you? A: Whenever you're having a bath, it decides to fetch electric appliances."
109,"2018-04-12 01:27:28","Sloth Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What did the grape say when the sloth stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job? A: He would only do the BEAR minimum. Q: When does a sloth go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? A: Slow Patrol. Q: How do you apologize to a sloth? A: BEAR your heart and soul. Q: What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A: A slow leopard. Q: What do sloths throw in winter? A: Slowballs. Q: What do sloths make when it snows? A: Slow Angels. Q: What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A: A slow-off (show off). A tree with a sloth in it bears fruit. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a sloth walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sloth's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the sloth. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a sloth in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Assaulted A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. ""What happened to you? the officer asks. ""A gang of snails beat me up,"" Herman replied. ""Can you describe what they looked like?"" ""I don't know,"" the sloth says. ""It all happened so fast."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a sloth in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the sloth because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
110,"2018-04-12 01:27:30","Slow Race Horse Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. ""Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"" ""Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."""
111,"2018-04-12 01:27:33","Slug Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out! What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs? School dinners come on a plate! How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish! Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers! Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back! What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime! What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day! What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem! What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies! How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty? The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads ""clean me""! I felt so guilty after I stepped on that slug this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Night of Drinking A man and his pet slug walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my slug."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the slug falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a slug."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a slug sitting next to him. ""Are you a slug?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The slug replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
112,"2018-04-12 01:27:36","Smart Dog Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. ""That's the most amazing thing I've seen,"" I said. ""That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."" The man turned to me and said, ""Yeah, it is. He hated the book."""
113,"2018-04-12 01:27:42","Snail Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out! Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food. How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish! Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers! What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots. Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back! How do snails make important calls? On shell phones. What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish. What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime! What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day! What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem! What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies! How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty? The snails leave a trail on the floor that reads ""clean me""! I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Night of Drinking A man and his pet snail walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my snail."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the snail falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a snail."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a snail sitting next to him. ""Are you a snail?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The snail replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Knocking at the Door A boy hears a knocking at the door, he oppens it, he looks left, he looks right, he looks up and down, and sees a snail. He throws the snail into the yard about fifty feet. Thirty years later the man hears a knocking at the door, he goes to the door, looks up, looks right, looks up, and then sees a snail at the door step. The snail says ""What the heck was that for."""
114,"2018-04-12 01:27:46","Snake Jokes (Cobra, Python)","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: In which river are you sure to find snakes? A: The Hiss-issippi River! Q: What is a snakes favorite dance? A: The Mamba Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government? A: A civil serpent! Q: What did the snake give to his wife? A: A goodnight hiss! Q: Why did the snake's wife file for divorce? A: Ereptile Disfunction. Q: What did the naughty little diamondback say to his big sister? A: ""Don't be such a rattle-tail!"" Q: What does an exhibitionistic snake wear to the beach? A: A pythong. Q: What do you call a snake that tells jokes? A: Monty Python. Q: How do you measure a snake? A: In inches. They don't have any feet! Q: Did you hear about the snake love letter? A: He sealed it with a hiss. Q: If you crossed a snake with a robin, what kind of bird would you get? A: A swallow! Q: Why couldn't the female snake have any babies? A: Because she'd had a hiss-terectomy! Q: Why did the snake laugh so hard she started to cry? A: She thought the joke was hisss-terical Q: Why are snakes so good at rapping? A: They rap around there prey! Q: What do you call a reptile that plays baseball? A: Snake Arrieta. Q: What clothing might sister snakes share? A: Co-bras! Q: How does a snake shoot something? A: With a boa and arrow! Q: What's the wrong time to reason with a snake? A: When it's throwing a hissy fit. Q: How do you know it's time to buy a new pair of shoes? A: When your old ones have snake eyes. Q: What kind of snake keep its car the cleanest? A: A windshield viper! Q: Did you hear about the two snakes that were in love but related? A: They were hissing cousins. Q: What snake is a member of the band? A: The RATTLEsnake! Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A: A PIE-THON! Q: Why don't snakes need to weigh themselves? A: Because they have their own scales. Q: How can you revive a snake that looks dead? A: With mouse-to-mouth resuscitation! Q: What is the most popular snake dialect? A: Boomslang! Q: What do snakes do after they fight? A: Hiss and make up! Q: What do snakes use to cut paper? A: Scissss-ors! Q: What do you call taking a selfie with a rattlesnake? A: A missssss-take. Q: Did you hear about the man who crossed the snake mafia? A: He was given the hiss of death. Q: What do you call a snake that builds things? A: A boa constructor! Q: What do you call snake without clothes? A: Snaked. Q: What do you call a snake that only eats desert? A: A pie-thon. Q: What is a snake's favorite subject? A: Hiss-tory! Q: What type of snake does a baby play with? A: A rattlesnake! Q: What's a snake's favorite school subject? A: Math, because it's an adder! Q: Why did the snake cross the road ? A: To get to the other s-s-s-side! Q: Why was the mongoose listening to Taylor Swift? A: He was trying to ""Snake It Off"". Q: What kind of snake is completely different? A: A Monty Python. Q: What do you give a baby mongoose? A: A rattle-snake. Q: Why did the cobra ask a man out on a date? A: Because he was a snake charmer. Q: Why did the Meerkat die? A: Because she trusted a snake in the grass. Q: What did Samuel L Jackson do in the sky? A: Snake the world record on a plane. A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. What sound do they make? Baaa-Dum-Tssss! They found a new species of rattlesnake that can't produce venom. They say it has a reptile disfunction! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a snake walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the snake's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the snake. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet snake walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my snake."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the snake falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a snake."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a snake sitting next to him. ""Are you a snake?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The snake replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
115,"2018-04-12 01:27:53","Spider Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web. What is a spiders favorite TV show? The newly web game! What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late? Your spinning me a yarn here! Q: What do you call an under cover spider? A: A spy-der What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose? I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it! Why are spiders like tops? They are always spinning! Why can you never trust spiders? Because they post stuff on the web. What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre? A spinning wheel! What do geeky spiders like to do? Make Websites."
116,"2018-04-12 01:27:55","Squirrel Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Squirrel Bar Jokes Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a squirrel in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of Squirrels. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with squirrels in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of squirrels, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Father Son Hunting Trip A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said ""Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."" A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. ""What's wrong?"" the father asked. ""I told you to be quiet."" The son answered"" ""Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck."" ""But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?"" ""I guess I just panicked""."" Squirrel Short Jokes How do squirrels remember where they stored their nuts during winter? They use acorn-yms Q: Why do squirrels swin on there back? A: To keep their nuts dry! Q: What do you call a squirrel with no nuts? A: Female Squirrel. Q: Why can't you be friends with a squirrel? A: They drive everyone nuts. Q: Why shouldn't you rape a tree? A: There might be a squirrel in there looking for nuts. Q: Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans? A: Because their nuts won't fit. Q: Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car? A: To get down to the nuts and bolts. Q: Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut? A: It was one tough nut to crack. Q: What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A: A bug that will run up your leg and eat your nuts. Q: What did the Psychologist say to the Squirrel with multiple personalities? A: You're one tough nut to crack! Q: What did the bird say to the racing squirrel? A: You walnut beat that! Q: How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb? A: Actually, none because squirrels only change bulbs that are NUT broken. Q: Why does it take more than one squirrel to screw in a lightbulb? A: Because they're so darn stupid! Q: Why was the squirrel late for work? A: Traffic was NUTS. Q: How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)? A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood. Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology? A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis). Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut. Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel? A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits). Q: How do you catch a squirrel with a Katy Perry fixation? A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut. Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut. Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays? A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg. Q: How do you catch an Irish squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut. Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut. Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like nutty. Q: How do you catch a rich squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a cashew. What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel? Want these nuts? What do squirrels drink? Nut-Tea. Psychologist: What brings you here today? Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat.....Nuts."
117,"2018-04-12 01:27:59","Stupid Bird Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes There was a robber and he went to this big house on a hill Well when he saw the Priest wasn't home he went into the house Before he had even taken two steps, he heard a voice say ""Jesus is watching you and so am I"" The burglar turned around and saw a parrot in a cage ""Oh it's just a stupid bird"" he said Right after he took a couple more steps, he heard the parrot say ""Jesus is watching you and so am I"" ""Shut up you stupid bird"" he said As he continued he was about level with the dinning table when he heard the parrot say ""Jesus is watching you and so am I"" Before he could turn to say shut up he heard a low growl come from under the table and a huge pit bull came out The parrot said ""Sic um Jesus"""
118,"2018-04-12 01:28:11","Three Mice Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, ""I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"" The second says, ""Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"" Then the third rat gets up and says, ""Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."""
119,"2018-04-12 01:28:16","Three Legged Pig Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck. As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out. He asks ""why does that Pig only have three legs?"" She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out. He said ""but why does the Pig only have three legs?"" She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him. Again he asked ""why does the Pig only have three legs?"" After all the Pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once."
120,"2018-04-12 01:28:21","Tiger Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's a tiger running a copy machine called? A: A copycat! Q. Why did the tiger loose at poker? A. Because he was playing with a cheetah Q: Why are tigers religious? A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family! Q: Where does a tiger sleep? A: Anywhere he wants to! Q: What is the fiercest flower in the garden? A: A tiger lily! Q: Whats striped and bouncy? A: A tiger on a pogo stick! Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off? A: A tiger moth! Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: He was looking for pooh. Q: What does Calvin feed Hobbes? A: Nothing he's already stuffed. Q: How are tigers are like sergeants in the army? A: They both wear stripes! Q: What do tigers sing at Christmas? A: Jungle bells!jungle bells! Q: What do you call a tiger that likes to dig in the sand? A: Sandy claws! Q: How do tigers describe themselves? A: Purr-fect! Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? A: Frost-bite! Q: Would you rather have a tiger eat your or a lion? A: I would rather have a tiger eat a lion. Q: Why can't a tiger become a herbivore? A: A tiger can't change his stripes. Q: On which side does a tiger have most stripes? A: On the outside. Q: Who went into the tigers den and came out alive? A: The tiger. Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger and a sheep? A: A stripey sweater. Q: What's striped and goes round and round? A: A tiger in a revolving door. Q: What 4 animals does a woman need in her life? A: A mink on her back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all. Q: What's the silliest name you can give a tiger? A: Spot. Q: If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what's a tiger? A: Stri-ped. Q: What happened when the tiger ate the comedian ? A: He felt funny ! Q: What does the tiger say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? A: 'Let us prey.' Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a watchdog ? A: A terrified postman ! Q: What's the difference between a tiger and a lion ? A: A tiger has the mane part missing Q: What is tiger's favorite food ? A: Baked beings ! Q: How does a tiger greet the other animals in the field ? A: 'Pleased to eat you.' ! Q: On which day do tiger eat people ? A: Chewsday ! Q: Why don't tigers like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: How do you take a tiger's temperature? A: Very carefully! Q: Why do tigers always eat raw meat? A: Because they don't know how to cook. A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood. Is your daddy, Tony The Tiger, cause you look grrrrreattt. Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a tiger walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the tiger's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the tiger. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet tiger walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my tiger."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the tiger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a tiger."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a tiger sitting next to him. ""Are you a tiger?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The tiger replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a tiger in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that tiger?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the tiger again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that tiger to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the tigers birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The tiger?"" Then the student said ""No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away. Tiger Woods Jokes"
121,"2018-04-12 01:28:22","Toad Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad sandals! What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad. What do you call a woman with a toad on her head? Lilly. Q: Whats a toads favorite game? A: It's croak-et! Q: What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? A: Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth! Q: How do toads manage to lay so many eggs? A: They sit eggsaminations! Q: How do frogs die? A: They kermit suicide! Q: What's a toads favorite flower? A: A croakus! Q: What do you get if you cross a toad and a dog? A: A croaker spaniel! Q: What do toads drink? A: Croaka-cola! Q: What do you get if you cross a toad with a ferry? A: A hoppercraft! Q: What do toads drink? A: Hot croako! Q: What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? A: Star Warts! Q: Why did the tadpole feel lonely? A: Because he was newt to the area! Q: Where do toads keep their treasure? A: In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow! Q: What did the bus conductor say to the toad? A: Hop on! Q: What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? A: Morse toad! Q: Whats the world weakest animal? A: A toad, he croaks if you even touch him! Q: What kind of pole is short and floppy? A: A tadpole! Q: What do Scottish toads play? A: Hop-scotch! Q: Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? A: He had his own frog horn! Q: What's a toads favorite sweet? A: Lollihops! Q: What do you call a toad spy? A: A croak and dagger agent! Q: How did the toad die? A: He simply croaked! Q: Where do toads leave their hats and coats? A: In the croakroom! Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking toad? A: Hop in! Q: What is a toads favorite place to eat? A: ihop! What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a toad walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the toad's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the toad. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a toad in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet toad walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my toad."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the toad falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a toad."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a toad sitting next to him. ""Are you a toad?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The toad replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
122,"2018-04-12 01:28:27","Turtle Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine? A: a slow-poke. Q: What do turtles use to communicate? A: A shellphone! Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the shell station! Q: What does a turtle do on it's birthday? A: It shellebrates! Q: What kind of photos does a turtle take? A: Shellfies. Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive? A: Because their ears are so small! Q: Where do you send turtles who commit crimes? A: To the shell-block. Q: What do you call a turtle with 6 feet? A: A 6-foot turtle. Q: What happens when you bring a turtle to a party? A: It becomes a shellebration. Q: What did the cow say to the turtle? A: Get a moove on Q: What do you call a famous turtle? A: A shellebrity. Q: What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich? A: Peanut butter and jellyfish. Q: What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? A: You get shell shocked. Q: What do you call a turtle that shits a lot? A: a turdle Q: What kind of jokes do sea turtles tell? A: Shell-arious ones! Q: What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Giraffe? A: A Turtle-Neck Q: What does a turtle do during winter? A: Sit by the fire and worm himself up. Q: Why didnt Shell City have any rules? A: Because it was turtlely extreme. Q: What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins? A: a turtle disaster. Q: What happens when your kids want to buy a tortoise? A: You shell out a lot of money. Q: Why couldn't the ninja turtle cross the road? A: Because it didn't have enough turtle power. Q: What does a turtle need to ride a bike? A: A shellmet. Q: What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A: A slow poke. Q: Why didnt the tortoise cross the road? A: It got turtled. Q: What do you call a sea turtle that flies? A: A shell-icopter! Q: What did the pig say to the turtle? A: I'm boared Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise? A: A slow-pork. Money comes like a turtle and goes like a rabbit. If a turtle loses it's shell is it naked or homeless? Some turtles possess the ability to absorb oxygen directly from the water in which they swim. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a turtle walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the turtle's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the turtle. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet turtle walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my turtle."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the turtle falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a turtle."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a turtle sitting next to him. ""Are you a turtle?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The turtle replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a large tortoise in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that turtle?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the turtle again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that turtle to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
123,"2018-04-12 01:28:31","Two Whales Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, ""Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."" They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, ""Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."" At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. ""Look,"" she said, ""I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."""
124,"2018-04-12 01:28:32","Unicorn Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast. Unicorns are real they're just fat, grey, and called rhinos. What did the Unicorn tell the carrot? U-No-Corn! What do you call a smart unicorn? The ""A""corn. What do unicorns call their father? ""Pop"" corn. Why didn't the Unicorn want to join the Military? She had to wear a U-Ni-Form! Whats the difference between a smart Republican and a unicorn? Nothing, they're both fictional characters. What do unicorns use for money? Corn ""Bread."" How did the poltician win the election? He promised to balance the budget, rein in the banks and put a unicorn in every backyard! What do you call a Unicorn with large Eyelashes? U-Ni-Brow! What did the baby unicorn say to mommy unicorn? Where is my pop corn? What do Unicorns eat for breakfast? Lucky Charms. What did one unicorn say to the other? The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane. Keep calm and be a Unicorn. Are you a unicorn cause your my fantasy. Chuck Norris coined the phrase, ""I could eat a Horse"" after he ate every last unicorn in existence. Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a unicorn sitting next to him. ""Are you a unicorn?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The unicorn replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a unicorn walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the unicorn's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the unicorn. ""Your name is written inside the cover."""
125,"2018-04-12 01:28:35","Walrus Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's the difference between yo mama and a walrus? A: One smells and has a mustache and the other is a walrus. Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange? A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus. Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana? A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus. Q: What's a balanced diet for a walrus? A: A seal in each paw! Q: What has 5 flippers and 3 tusks? A: A walrus with spare parts! Q: What did the walrus say when it was late? A: ""I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."" Q: What does a Walrus get from sitting on the ice too long? A: Polaroids! Q: What's the difference between a redhead and a walrus? A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus! Q: Why do walrus' swim in salt water? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze! Q: What do you get when you put John Lennon and Lewis Carroll in a room? A: Two people claiming ""I am the walrus!"" Q: What did the grape say when the walrus stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: What's the difference between a straight and gay walrus? A: The smell of their mustache. Q: What do you call a walrus in a phone booth? A: Stuck. Q: What do you call a walrus that flies? A: A jumbo jet. Q: What weights 2 tons and rolls around? A: A walrus on a skateboard. Q: How do you know a walrus is under your bed? A: Your nose gets cold because it's squished against the top of your igloo. Q: Where do walrus' go to see movies? A: The dive-in! A walrus walks into Sea World and says whale whale whale what have we here. Trained Walrus I man with a walrus on a leash flopping along behind him walked into a bar. He pointed with his cane at the patrons and announced: ""This is an amazing Canadian trained walrus. Buy me a drink and I will show you the most amazing thing! She's fantastic!"" So a guy buys him a drink. The man looks down at the walrus. The walrus looks back at the man. Then the man whacks the walrus on the head with a cane! The walrus immediately sits up on her tail and unzips the man's pants. She pulls out his tent pole and services it, rolling her eyes and using just a little tusk. As the man groans with pleasure, the walrus cleans him off with a napkin and rezips his pants. ""Now, would any of you like to try it? Just buy me another beer,"" the man says. One fellow raises his hand. ""Sure, man, I'll try it...but please...don't hit me with that stick!"" Religious Eskimo The devout eskimo lost his favorite Bible while he was ice fishing. Three weeks later, a walrus walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The eskimo couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the walrus's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the baby walrus. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet walrus walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my walrus."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the walrus falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a walrus."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a walrus sitting next to him. ""Are you a walrus?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The walrus replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby walrus in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that walrus?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the walrus again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that walrus to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
126,"2018-04-12 01:28:37","Whale Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do whales eat? Fish and ships. What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum! Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station How do you circumsize a whale? You send down four-skin divers. Did you hear about the flying whale? Actually its a whale of a story. What do you call a baby whale? A little squirt! What did the shark say to the whale? What are you blubbering about? What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A submarine with a built-in snorkel. What do you get when you cross a cow and a whale? Sha-Moo. How do you get banned from Sea World? Free Willy. What is an investment bankers favorite fish? White Whales. How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale. Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide! What's Moby Dicks fathers name? Papa Boner. How do fish travel long distances? They whale (hail) a cab. What do you calf a whale with the stomach virus? A be-loogie How do you make a fish laugh? Tell a whale of a tale. Whats the difference between your mom and a blue whale? Ten pounds. I know a whale joke. Its a real killer. Do you like whales? Cause we can go hump back at my place. A man walks into Sea World and says whale whale whale what have we here. Jonah and the Whale A young girl and her teacher are arguing about whether humans can be swallowed by whales. Her teacher says that it's impossible for whales to swallow humans because whales have small throats. The little girl says, ""How can this be? Jonah got swallowed by a whale."" The teacher says, ""That's not even a true story."" The girl says,""When I go to heaven, I'll ask him."" The teacher says, ""What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?"" The girl says, ""Then you ask him."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a whale sitting next to him. ""Are you a whale?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The whale replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Salty Sea Son: 'Dad, why is the sea salty?' Father: 'Son, when a male blue whale mates, it releases over 40,000 gallons of sperm. Only 30% of this reaches the female and you ask me the why the sea is salty...'"
127,"2018-04-12 01:28:41","Wittle Wabbit Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: ""Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: ""Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: ""I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."""
128,"2018-04-12 01:28:44","Wolf Jokes (Coyote)","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What did the wolf say when someone stepped on his foot? A: Aoooowwwwww! Q: Why did the boy cry wolf? A: To get a Howling experience. Q: What did one wolf say to another? A: Howl's it goin'! Q: What do wolf parties always start at midnight? A: So they can have a howling good time! Q: Why did the little boy cry wolf? A: Because it ate the three little pigs. Q: What do you call a lumberjack wolf? A: A timber wolf! Q: What did one wolf say to another? A: Let's go catch some fast food! Q: What do you call a lost wolf? A: A where-wolf! Q: What did Matt Damon say when a wolf took a bite out of his leg? A: Howl do you like them apples! Q: What do you get when you cross Fred Astaire and a wolf? A: Dances with wolves. Q: What's the difference between Cersei Lannister and a direwolf? A: Lipstick. Q: Why did the wolf cross the road? A: He was chasing the chicken! Q: What did one wolf say to the other? A: Howl do you do. Q: What does a wolf receptionist say? A: Howl may I help you? Q: Where does a wolf sit in the movie theater? A: Anywhere it wants to! Q: What do you call an wolf with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What do you say when you meet a talking wolf? A: Howl about that? Q: What did the grape say when the wolf stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: What do you get when you cross Rocky Marciano and a wolf? A: White Fang. Q: Why did the wolf cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Knock knock Who's there Where wolf Werewolf who Where wolf I find a bathroom! Little Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a tree log. ""My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"" says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. ""My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,"" says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. ""My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,"" taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... ""Will you friggin' leave me alone? I'm trying to take a shit!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a wolf walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the wolf's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the wolf. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of wolf pups. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with wolf pups in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of wolf pups, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these wolf pups to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet wolf walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my wolf."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the wolf falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a wolf."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a wolf sitting next to him. ""Are you a wolf?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The wolf replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
129,"2018-04-12 01:28:49","Woolly Mammoth Jokes (Mastodon)","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why did Manny the Mammoth cross the road? A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age. Q: What did the Mastodon say to a naked man? A: Hey that's cute but can you breath through it? Q: What happened to the Mammoth that swallowed the Guiding Orb? A: It roared with de-light! Q: Why did the Woolly Mammoth swallow the Guiding Orb? A: It wanted some light refreshment. Q: What is an Mastodons favorite sport? A: Squash. Q: What time is it when a Great Woolly Mammoth sits on your igloo? A: Time to build another igloo. Q: What is huge, shaggy, has 16 feet and sounds terrible. A: A Mammoth barbershop quartet. Q: What's huge and shaggy with tusks and horns? A: The Woolly Mammoth Marching Band! Q: What would you give to a Mammoth that is having an anxiety attack? A: Trunkquilizers! Q: What is shaggy, has a wand, huge wings, flies at night, and gives money to Woolly Mammoths? A: The tusk fairy! Q: What do you call a Squallhoot under a Great Woolly Mammoth? A: Flat! Q: How much does Manny the Mammoth weigh? A: Enough to break the ice.....age. Q: Why do Mammoths sometimes walk on two feet? A: To give Squallhoots a chance. Q: What kind of vehicle is big, has shaggy upholstery and a trunk that won't open? A: A Mammoth-mobile. Q: What weighs 4 tons and has 16 wheels? A: A Mastodon on roller skates! Q: Why do Mastodons have trunks? A: Because they'd look pretty silly with glove compartments. Q: What's another reason Mammoths have trunks? A: Because they'd also look silly carrying suitcases! Q: What do Mastodons wear when they go swimming? A: Their trunks. Q: Why couldn't the two Great Woolly Mammoths go swimming? A: Because between the two of them - there was just one pair of trunks! Q: Why were the Mammoths thrown out of the swimming pool? A: Because they couldn't keep their trunks up! Q: What has four legs and a trunk? A: Wrong! Not a Woolly Mammoth! Two Throps going on a holiday! Q: What do you do when a Great Woolly Mammoth sneezes? A: Dive for the snow and DIG IN! Q: Why were the mastodons thrown out of the swimming pool? A: Because they couldn't hold their trunks up! Q: What has 5 legs, 3 ears, 2 trunks and 3 tusks? A: A Woolly Mammoth with spare parts. Q: How do you know when a Mammoth is under your bed? A: Your nose gets cold because it's squished against the top of your igloo. Q: How do you run over a Mammoth? A: Climb up its tail, run to its head, and slide down its trunk. Q: What do you get if you cross a Woolly Mammoth and a kangaroo? A: Big holes all over the ice! Q: What do mammoths and trees have in common? A: They both have big trunks! Q: What's the difference between a cookie and a Mammoth? A: Try dunking a Mammoth in your milk - THEN you'll know! Q: What's the difference between an injured Mammoth and bad weather? A: One roars with pain and the other pours with rain! Q: How do you write a report on a Great Woolly Mammoth? A: First, you get a really big ladder... Q: What do you get when you cross a potato with a mastodon? A: Mashed potatoes! Q: Why do Mammoths wear red toe polish? A: Sorry, we don't tell Polish jokes on this web site. Q: What do you call an Mammoth that flies? A: A jumbo jet! Q: What did the Mammoth say when the Squallhoot grabbed its tail? A: ""That's the end of me!"" Q: How do you know when there is an mastodon under your bed? A: When your nose touches the ceiling! Q: What do you get when you cross a jaguar with a Woolly Mammoth? A: A fancy car with shaggy upholstery and a big trunk! Q: What do you call an mastodon in a phone booth? A: Stuck! Q: What's got a trunk, ivory, and four legs? A: An old piano in a tree! (Fooled ya! You were gonna say ""a Great Woolly Mammoth"", weren't you?)"
130,"2018-04-12 01:28:53","Worm Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming! What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth! What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden! What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm! What did the woodworm say to the chair? It's been nice gnawing you! What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid! What did the maggot say to another? What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this! Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load! What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death! What is a worm's favorite band? Mud! How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted. What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps! Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs! What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up. Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher! What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh. What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out. Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm. What eats laptops? Computer worms. How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light! How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs! How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted! What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench. What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been! When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light! I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a glow worm sitting next to him. ""Are you a glow worm?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The glow worm replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
131,"2018-04-12 01:28:54","Yak Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do you get when you cross a yak and Kanye West? A constant yapper. What kind of animal do you need in the Himalayas? A yak of all trades. Did you hear about the yak who got into a car accident? He wrecked his cadill-yak. How do you get a yak drunk? With a bottle of Cogn-yak. What do you call the yak mafia? Yak-uza. What has 2 tails, 3 horns and 6 feet? A Yak with spare parts! How did the yak almost die? Cardi-yak arrest. What did the grape say when the Yak stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! What do you call an animal serial killer? Yak the Ripper. What do you call a yak that is full of himself? Egomani-yak. What do you call a yak fortune teller? Zodi-yak. Why did the Yak cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done! When does a Yak go ""mooooo""? When it is learning a new language! Did you hear about the animal who knew the weather a year in advance? They called him Alman-yak. What happens to a Yak during puberty? He gets horny. How do you know there is a Yak in the fridge? You cannot shut the door. What do you call a yak that can chisel concrete? Yakhammer. Did you hear about the animal on Tinder? He is a nymphomani-yak. How do you get a yak to reproduce? With an aphrodisi-yak. How does a yak win the lottery? By hitting the yak-pot. What do you get if you cross a yak and a donkey? A yak-ass. What do you call an animal that's a know it all? Braini-yak. What do you call a yak that won't shut up? Yakkety Yak. What do you call an animal that cuts down trees? A lumber-yak. Did you hear about the zoo animal that was totally out of control? He was a mani-yak. Why did the zoo name an animal Ted Cruz? People thought it was the zodi-yak killer. What's more amazing than a talking Yak? A spelling bee! What nursery rhyme do they sing in the Himalayas? Yak and Jill. What kind of car does a yak drive? A Furrari. What do you call a Yak with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you! Knock knock Who's there Yak! Yak who? Actually, I prefer Google. If you want to live in the Himalayas you better be able to yak (hack) it. Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck and a Yak in the cab. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with Yaks in this town! Take him to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with a Yak, and he is wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take this Yak to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking him to the beach!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Yak walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Yaks mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Yak. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Yak walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Yak."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Yak falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Yak."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Yak sitting next to him. ""Are you a Yak?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Yak replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
132,"2018-04-12 01:28:56","Zebra Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Short Zebra Jokes Q: What does a zebra and michael jackson have in common? A: They can't decide whether to be black or white! Q: Whats black and white and red all over? A: A sun-burned zebra! Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot! Q: If a quadruped has four legs and a biped has two legs, what is a zebra? A: A stri-ped. Q: What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man? A: Tarzan with stripes. Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds? A: A zebra! Q: Did you know that scientists crossed a zebra and a donkey? A: They called it a zeedonk. Why does the zebra bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. Why did the zebra cross the road? Because it was a zebra crossing. Q: What is black and white and eats like a horse? A: A zebra. Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green? A: 3 zebras fighting over a pickle. I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a zebra, you've seen a maul. Zebra Bar Jokes Life In A Zoo There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, ""Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?"" ""I'm a cow"" said the cow. ""Right, and what do you do?"" asked the zebra. ""I make milk for the farmer"" said the cow. ""Cool."" The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. ""Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"" ""I'm a chicken,"" said the chicken. ""Oh, right, what do you do?"" asked the zebra. ""I make eggs for the farmer."" said the chicken. ""Right - o, great, see ya round."" Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, ""Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"" ""I am a Stallion,"" said the stallion. ""Wow,"" said the zebra. ""What do you do?"" ""Take off your pajamas darling, and I'll show you."" Racist Zebra Joke There once were two little zebras who wanted to know if they were white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. One little zebra suggested to visit the ""Zebra of the Wise"" The two little zebras went to the Zebra of the wise and asked, ""Are we black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?"" The Zebra of the wise replied "" We are who we are."" The one little zebra said ""OK"" and ran away. Then the other little zebra followed him. The one little zebra said to the other... "" He didn't answer us, so what are we?"" The one little zebra said "" We are white with black stripes."" The other zebra said ""how do you know that."" Then the little zebra said, "" Well if we were black with white stripes he would have said "" We is who we is."" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a zebra walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the zebra's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the zebra. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Teacher Once a teacher was teaching the children about stripes animal. Teacher:Aisha stand up and tell me any two names of striped animals. Aisha:Zebra. Teacher:Very good now tell the other name! Aisha:Another zebra. Night of Drinking A man and his pet zebra walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my zebra."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the zebra falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a zebra."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a zebra sitting next to him. ""Are you a zebra?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The zebra replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a zebra in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that zebra?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the zebra again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that zebra to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a zebra in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the zebra because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
133,"2018-04-12 01:29:01","Zebra's Day With God Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A zebra wanted to know if he was white with black strips or black with white stips. So he walked up to all the zebras around and asked them if he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes. Then one of his freinds said the only way you will find out is if you ask god. He goes to heaven and asked god and on his way out St.peater said ""So what did you find out?"" The zebra said ""I am white with black stripes."" St. Peter ""How do you know that?"" Because god said ""You are what you are."" Then St. Peter said ok!!!. The zebra said well if I was a black hourse with white stripes god would have said (YOU IS WHAT YOU IS)"
134,"2018-04-12 01:29:03","Zoo Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Why don't they play poker in the zoo? Too many cheetahs. Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog? It was a shih tzu. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it? How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster! What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator What do you call an angry monkey? Furious George. Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo? Because they'd rather go to the cinema! Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds. What do you call a crocodile with GPS? A Navi-gator. What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? A tiger has the mane part missing. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A Mars-upial Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank! Why can't you own a sick eagle? Because it's Ill-eagle! What do elephants and trees have in common? They both have big trunks! What did Matt Damon say when a wolf took a bite out of his leg? Howl do you like them apples! What to polar bears eat for lunch? Ice berg-ers! What do you call a naughty hippopotamus in nature? Hip Hop Hooray...Ho..Hey...Ho. What do you get when two giraffes collide? A giraffic jam. What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? Elephino. (HEll if I know) Whats a penguins favorite relative? Aunt Arctica! What do you call a talking kangaroo? A quantum leap. What do you call a place where the animals pratice martial arts? A Jujit-zoo. What happened when the lion ate the comedian ? He felt funny! Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted! Why can't zoo animals take tests? There are too many cheetahs! Why don't Penguins like rock music? They only like sole. Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo? It was Panda-monium. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch. Don't tell me a funny lion joke or I'll puma pants. A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood. Matt Damon asked his friends what they were planning for his birthday. They told him ""We bought a kazoo"". Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that monkey?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" Life In A Zoo There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, ""Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?"" ""I'm a cow"" said the cow. ""Right, and what do you do?"" asked the zebra. ""I make milk for the farmer"" said the cow. ""Cool."" The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. ""Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"" ""I'm a chicken,"" said the chicken. ""Oh, right, what do you do?"" asked the zebra. ""I make eggs for the farmer."" said the chicken. ""Right - o, great, see ya round."" Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, ""Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"" ""I am a Stallion,"" said the stallion. ""Wow,"" said the zebra. ""What do you do?"" ""Take off your pajamas darling, and I'll show you."""
135,"2018-04-12 01:29:04","3 Pregnant Women Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, ""I know what I'm going to have."" The other to asked how. She replied, ""Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy"". The red head said, ""If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, ""PUPPIES, PUPPIES!""."
136,"2018-04-12 01:29:08","A Few Drinks Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes So this guy meets a girl at the bar and after a few drinks they go back to her place. Going hot and heavy at it he goes down on her. While he's eating her out a kernel of corn comes out. He finds it odd but keeps going. Then a piece of carrot comes out and he thinks to himself, ""wow this chick is in to kink!"" But bits of food keep coming out of her snatch when finally a chunk of potato comes out and he freaks out looking up and says, ""Damn baby, you sick?"" She looks down and says, ""No the guy before you was."""
137,"2018-04-12 01:29:22","Alcoholic Jokes Popular Pick Angry Wife Joke Popular Pick Arthur Guinness Joke","Back to: Dirty Jokes | Back to: Bar Jokes Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand! Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke! Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: ""Olive or twist?"" Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A: ""Please, no stories!"" Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world! Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit! Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: ""A beer please, and one for the road."" Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A: Nothing. Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex! Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game! Q: How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? A: They keep falling off the wagon. Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table! Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light? A: He's the one dancing like an asshole! Q: How do you know a man is really really gay? A: When he's nursing a Bacardi Breezer! Q: What happens when a ghost drinks boos? A: They get sheet-faced. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels. Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one. What's the cure for marriage? Answer: Alcoholism. Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color Q: How do you get a computer drunk? A: A Screenshot of Tequila. Q: When do women drink alcohol? A: Wine O'Clock. Q: Whats the difference between a dog and a fox? A: 2 drinks. Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking? A: He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay! Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light! Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat? A: They are both SO close to water! Q: What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone? A: Al-cohol you Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common? A: Their both empty from the neck up! Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere! Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense! Q: Where do monkeys go to drink? A: The monkey bars! Q: Why don't Democrats drink? A: It interferes with their suffering! Q: What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka? A: a ""Pabst Smir!"" Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: How do you know when you really pissed off your Bartender? A: She leaves the string in the Bloody Mary! Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey? A: Because it makes him mean! Q: What does an alcoholic ghost drink? A: BOO'S Q: What do you call a man with a shot of whiskey on his head? A: A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance. What is the difference between an alcoholic and drunk? A drunk drinks until he passes out, an alcoholic drinks till the house burns down with them in it. A bee goes into a bar, It comes out 2 hours later buzzing Boy: ""I love you so much, I could never live without you."" Girl: ""Is that you or the beer talking?"" Boy: ""It's me talking to the beer."" Mayan: Hey wanna drink? Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough. Why did the girl blow chunks all over the house? She wasn't party trained. Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?... Got plastered... Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves. Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results. I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic? I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man. I'm not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties. Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people. My body is not a temple.....it's a distillery with legs. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk? You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast Who is this ""moderation"" people keep telling me to drink with? Take me drunk I'm home. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt! Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary, but I looked it up on whiskeypedia. And learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequil-ya. Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere A hangover is the wrath of grapes. I've been told I've got A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder) It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it? Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question. A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror. ""Relationship"" has 12 letters but then again so does ""Time For Shots"" Confucious says, ""Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night"". What doesn't kill me, makes my drinks stronger I started drinking very young. My first DWI was on a Big Wheel. Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties. Alcohol is my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy... Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don't want to lower the bar. Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution. Yo mamas so dumb when I said ""Drinks on the house."" She got a ladder I don't have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems. Two midgets walk into a mini-bar. If you drink and drive, don't forget your car. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol. You lost me at ""non-alcoholic"" When a ghost drinks boos, they get sheet-faced. My girlfriend told me her spirit animal is a tiger. I told her my spirit animal is Grey Goose. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover. Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy alcohol. I'm in a commited relationship with Jim Beam. I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. An alcoholic hits his woman, a stoner hits it with his woman. I'm not alcoholic, I only drink twice a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ""My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic?"" I asked this blonde in a bar if she liked cocktails. She replied: ""I don't know - tell me one!"" A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs, The guy ask ""Do they swell?"" The girl replies ""No they spread"" A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, ""If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink."" The man replies, ""If you were my wife, I'd drink it."" A Shot of Whiskey A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, ""I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."" Bar One Liners A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't serve food in here."" A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""So, why the long face?"" A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ""Gimme a beer, and a mop."" A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it! A dyslexic guy walks into a bra. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, ""For you, no charge!"" An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen! A man gets off work goes across the street,walks into a bar...and about 20 minutes later, he comes too with a massive headache... Homeless Man A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, ""Will you buy booze?"" The bum replied, ""No."" Then the man asked, ""Will you gamble it away?"" The bum said, ""No."" Then the man asked the bum, ""Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"" Drunk Driving It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. ""Are you Mr. Johnson?"" the asked? He admitted that he was. ""Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"" Again, the man admitted that was he. ""And what did you do then,"" the troopers asked."" The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. ""Where is your car now?"" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. ""May we see the car?"" asked the troopers. The man answered, ""Sure,"" and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car. Moral Of the Story One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.... The next day Billy tells his story.... ""My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....Billy replies, ""Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking Drunk Husband A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. ""Stay where you are,"" she said. ""He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."" Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: ""Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"" ""Nonsense,"" said the wife. ""You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."" The husband climbed out of bed and counted. ""One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."" Wino The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ""I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"" The wasted wino asked, ""Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"" ""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,"" said the copper. ""Let's go."" Obviously relieved, the wino said ""That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."" Police Patrol From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.' Worms A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. ""All right, son."" asked the father, ""what does that show you?"" ""Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."" Better Boyfriend Two girls were comparing boyfriends. ""Mine's the best,"" said the first. ""I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"" ""Oh yeah,"" exclaimed the other, ""I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"" Just Looking There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, ""Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."" ""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."" ""I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."" Alcoholic Pick Up Lines ""Girl, this isnt a beer belly, its a fuel tank for my love machine! Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me. Your one tall glass of Labatts Blue and I'm real thirsty. Girl, I would buy you a drink but I'd be jealous of the glass. ""Baby, you put the 'hot ass' in my shot glass. I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you. (After spilling a beer on a pretty lady) Did you just take a shower or is it me that's making you wet? Hey, you owe me a drink. I dropped mine when you walked past. Toasts Here's a toast to the nights we wont remember with the friends we'll never forget. To Summer, Alcohol, and Friends! Friends that drink together, stay together Our hangovers will last a day, but the memories we make tonight will last a lifetime."
138,"2018-04-12 01:29:23","Bar Compliments Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively ""You've got great hair!"" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say ""You're a handsome man!"" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again ""What a stud you are!"" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said ""Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."""
139,"2018-04-12 01:29:25","Bank Robbers Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, ""Bark! Bark!"" ""Ah, must be a dog!"" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, ""Meow!"" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, ""Must be cats!"" and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, ""Potatoes!"""
140,"2018-04-12 01:29:30","Bar Semantics Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, ""What can I get for you?"" The guy answers, ""A scotch, please."" The bartender hands him the drink, and says ""That'll be five dollars,"" to which the guy replies, ""What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."" A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ""You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."" The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, ""Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."" The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ""What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"" The guy says, ""What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"" The bartender replies, ""I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."" To which the guy replies, ""Thank you. Make it a scotch."""
141,"2018-04-12 01:29:38","Beer Jokes Popular Pick Beethoven Joke","Back to: Dirty Jokes | Back to: Bar Jokes Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand! Q: How is a casino like a woman? A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back! Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke! Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: ""Olive or twist?"" Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A: ""Please, no stories!"" Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world! Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit! Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A: Nothing. Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: ""A beer please, and one for the road."" Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex! Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game! Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table! Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light? A: He's the one dancing like an asshole! Q: How do you know a man is really really gay? A: When he's nursing a Bacardi Breezer! If beer pong was a sport, I'd have a full scholarship Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels. Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one. Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking? A: He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay! Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light! Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat? A: They are both SO close to water! Q: What do you call a man with a pint of Labatts on his head? A: A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much booze and is being a nuisance. Q: What do you call a man running with a beer? A: Edward Forty-hands. Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common? A: Their both empty from the neck up! Q: Where do monkeys go to grab a beer? A: The monkey bars! Q: What does a wet beer fart leave in your shorts? A: A Bengal stripe. Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere! Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense! Q: What is a rednecks last words? A: ""HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"" Q: Why don't Democrats drink? A: It interferes with their suffering! Q: What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka? A: a ""Pabst Smir!"" Q: What does a ghost drink? A: BOO'S Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in the south? A: Open other end. A bee goes into a bar, It comes out 2 hours later buzzing Boy: ""I love you so much, I could never live without you."" Girl: ""Is that you or the beer talking?"" Boy: ""It's me talking to the beer."" Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?... Got plastered... Mayan: Hey wanna beer? Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world. Beer doesn't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves. A duck walks in to a bar and says ""Give me 200 beers"". The bar tender says ""How are you going to pay for that?"" So the duck says ""Just put in on my bill!!!"" There once was a bar maid from Yale Upon her chest tattooed were the prices of ale And for the sake of the blind Upon her behind was the same thing in brail Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results. If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? There's an icebox where my heart used to be. I needed more storage for my beer. If beer, coffee, or a nap can't cure it, you've got a serious problem. God is great, beer is good, & people are crazy. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy beer. Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question. Love has 4 letters, but then again so does beer Warning! Beer will make your clothes shrink. Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy beer. Beer is my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy... Beer doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people. Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. Beer Pong is a sport, right guys? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. I don't drink to forget. I drink because beer is delicious. Forgetting is just a bonus. Never text while driving, you might spill your beer. I started drinking very young. My first DWI was on a Big Wheel. I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man. Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror. My body is not a temple.....it's a microbrewery with legs. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk? Anyone who says that beer is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it. I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. I want my last words to be ""Hold my beer and watch this."" A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. Life is too short to drink cheap beer. A Shot of Whiskey A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, ""I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."" Bar One Liners A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't serve food in here."" A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""So, why the long face?"" A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ""Gimme a beer, and a mop."" A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it! A dyslexic guy walks into a bra. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, ?For you, no charge!? An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen! Homeless Man A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, ""Will you buy booze?"" The bum replied, ""No."" Then the man asked, ""Will you gamble it away?"" The bum said, ""No."" Then the man asked the bum, ""Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"" Drunk Driving It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. ""Are you Mr. Johnson?"" the asked? He admitted that he was. ""Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"" Again, the man admitted that was he. ""And what did you do then,"" the troopers asked."" The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. ""Where is your car now?"" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. ""May we see the car?"" asked the troopers. The man answered, ""Sure,"" and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car. Drunk Husband A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. ""Stay where you are,"" she said. ""He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."" Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: ""Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"" ""Nonsense,"" said the wife. ""You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."" The husband climbed out of bed and counted. ""One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."" Wino The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ""I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"" The wasted wino asked, ""Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"" ""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,"" said the copper. ""Let's go."" Obviously relieved, the wino said ""That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."" Police Patrol From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.' Worms A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. ""All right, son."" asked the father, ""what does that show you?"" ""Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."" Blonde A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, ""Bring me a beer."" The bartender then asks, ""Anheuser-Busch?"" To which she replies, ""Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"" King of the Hill Hank: ""You're 12 years old, and drinking a beer."" Bobby Hill: ""I didn't even like it."" Hank: ""Now you're just trying to get me mad."" Better Boyfriend Two girls were comparing boyfriends. ""Mine's the best,"" said the first. ""I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"" ""Oh yeah,"" exclaimed the other, ""I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"" Liquor Pick Up Lines ""Girl, this isnt a beer belly, its a fuel tank for my love machine! Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me. Your one tall glass of Labatts Blue and I'm real thirsty. Girl, I would buy you a drink but I'd be jealous of the glass. ""Baby, you put the 'hot ass' in my shot glass. I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you. (After spilling a beer on a pretty lady) Did you just take a shower or is it me that's making you wet? Hey, you owe me a drink. I dropped mine when you walked past."
142,"2018-04-12 01:29:42","Bin Laden and Bush Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three men , a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ""I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total,"" says the Genie. The Canadian says, ""I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Usama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, ""I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into our precious state."" Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. President Bush, asks, ""I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."" The Genie explains, ""Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."" President Bush says, ""Very impressive. Fill it with water."""
143,"2018-04-12 01:29:43","Bragging Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The American guy boasts, ""I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."" Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, ""I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."" So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, ""Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."" Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, ""Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!""."
144,"2018-04-12 01:29:46","Bull Frog Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ""If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, ""If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $400 for the bullfrog. ""Sorry,"" the man replies, ""he's not for sale."" The stranger increases the offer to $500 cash up front. ""No,"" he insists, ""he's not for sale."" The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $700 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. ""Are you insane?"" the bartender demanded. ""That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $700"" ""Don't worry about it."" the man answered. ""The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."""
145,"2018-04-12 01:29:51","Bus Stop Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man his wife and their 6 children are standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus. The man sees a blind man with a cane walking up to the bus stop. The bus arrives and the wife and husband notice that the bus is quiet full so the blind man and the husband ordered the wife to take the children and get on the bus. The blind man and the husband tell her that they can walk to their next destination. So the wife and children get on the bus and the bus drives off. The husband and the blind man start walking. The husband is annoyed by the tapping of the blind man's stick, so he says to the old man ""If you would put a rubber on the end of that stick, it wouldn't make so much noise"". The blind man turns to the young man and says ""if you would have put a rubber on the end of your stick, we would have fit on that bus""."
146,"2018-04-12 01:29:52","Canine Bites Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. ""Does your dog bite?"" ""No."" A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. ""I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"" the man says indignantly. ""That's not my dog."""
147,"2018-04-12 01:29:54","Carmen Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. ""Carmen,"" she replied. That's a nice name,"" he said warming up the conversation, ""Who named you, your mother?"" ""No, I named myself, she answered. ""Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"" ""Because I like cars, and I like men,"" she said looking directly into his eyes. ""So what's your name?"" she asked. ""Beersex."""
148,"2018-04-12 01:29:59","Cheap Drunk Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, ""What'll it be buddy?"" The man says, ""Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."" The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. ""You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."" The bartender hastily asks, ""What do you have pal?"" The man quickly replies, ""I have a dollar."""
149,"2018-04-12 01:30:05","Cheating Wife Joke Popular Pick Church Bells Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. ""Wow"", says the bartender, ""Something bad must have happened"". Yeah it did, he said. ""I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."" The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. ""This one's on the house"". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks ""Did you say anything to your wife ? "" The guy answers ""Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"" ""What about your friend ?"" asks the bartender. ""I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"""
150,"2018-04-12 01:30:10","Colorful Parrot Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A black man walks into a bar. He has a very colorful parrot sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender to get a beer. The bartender says, ""Wow! He's pretty. Where'd you get him at?"" The parrot said, ""Over in Africa. There's millions of 'em running around over there!"""
151,"2018-04-12 01:30:12","Dealing With Trouble Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The ""disturbance"" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, ""I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."" The giant nodded. ""If I had some chains,"" the deputy continued, ""you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. ""I can't get out of these,"" the giant growled. ""Are you sure?"" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. ""Nope,"" he replied. ""I can't do it."" ""In that case,"" said the deputy, ""you're under arrest."""
152,"2018-04-12 01:30:14","Delivery Room Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A young women goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband or boyfriend is present. The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says I must warn you your baby is black. The woman says ""Well I was in desprate need for money and there was a porno and the guy was black."" The nurse quickly apologizes and says it was none of my business. The woman didnt seem to mind. The nurse says just so you know the baby has slanted eyes. The woman says ""They told me for more money that there was a chinese guy too and she needed the money."" The nurse brings the woman her baby and the mother turns the baby over and slaps its bottom so hard it started to cry. The nurse yelled ""What the hell are you doing?"" The woman looks the nurse square in the eyes and says ""I wanted to make sure it didnt bark too."""
153,"2018-04-12 01:30:17","Designated Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, ""Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."""
154,"2018-04-12 01:30:21","Dog Gone Logic Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, ""I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."" The bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."" The dog replies, ""Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."" The bartender says, ""Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"" ""No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you,"" says the man, ""I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Spot here."" The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. ""Now, can I have my drink."" says the dog. The bartender is amazed. ""Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."" ""Okay."" says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Spot going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, ""Spot! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"" The dog shrugged. ""Hell, I've never had any money before."""
155,"2018-04-12 01:30:25","Donkey in a Bar Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the man turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked the man how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? He said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him."
156,"2018-04-12 01:30:26","Drinking At Work Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten."
157,"2018-04-12 01:30:30","Drunk Driving Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. ""Are you Mr. Johnson?"" the asked? He admitted that he was. ""Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"" Again, the man admitted that was he. ""And what did you do then,"" the troopers asked."" The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. ""Where is your car now?"" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. ""May we see the car?"" asked the troopers. The man answered, ""Sure,"" and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car."
158,"2018-04-12 01:30:34","Drunken Charity Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: ""Drinks for all on me including you, bartender."" So the bartender follows the drunks orders and says: ""That will be $36.50 please."" The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. ""What, no drink for me?"" replies the bartender. ""Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."""
159,"2018-04-12 01:30:39","Drunken Deafs Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed ""Now cut that out! I warned you!"" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, ""If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"""
160,"2018-04-12 01:30:43","Drunk Husband Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. ""Stay where you are,"" she said. ""He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."" Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: ""Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"" ""Nonsense,"" said the wife. ""You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."" The husband climbed out of bed and counted. ""One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."""
161,"2018-04-12 01:30:48","Drunk Idiots Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, ""All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!"" A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks ""Anyone got a problem with that?"" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, ""And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!"" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, ""Anyone got a problem with that?"" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. ""You got a problem, buddy?"" ""Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."""
162,"2018-04-12 01:30:53","Drunk Police Call Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A drunk stumbles out of the bar and phones the police to report that thieves had been in his car. ""They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,"" he cries out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rings a second time and the same voice came over the line. ""Never mind,"" he said with a hiccup, ""I got in the back seat by mistake."""
163,"2018-04-12 01:30:57","Drunk Wino Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ""I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"" The wasted wino asked, ""Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"" ""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,"" said the copper. ""Let's go."" Obviously relieved, the wino said ""That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."""
164,"2018-04-12 01:31:02","Duct Tape Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. ""Well,"" replies Paul, ""you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"" ""Yes,"" replies Jeff with a laugh. ""Well,"" says Paul, straightening up, ""I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."" ""That's great!"" says Jeff, ""When are you going out?"" ""I went to meet her this evening,"" continues Paul, ""but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."" ""Sensible"" says Jeff. ""So I get to her door,"" says Paul, ""and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."" ""And what happened then?"" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) ""I kicked her in the face."""
165,"2018-04-12 01:31:03","Ethnic Confusion Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A drunken Jew goes across the bar and breaks the chinaman's nose. The chinaman asks ""What was that for?"" The jew responds ""That was for Pearl Harbor!"" ""Pearl Harbor,"" responds the Chinaman ""that wasn't Chinese that was Japanese!"" The jew retorts ""Chinese, Japanese, Korean, your all the same to me."" Later the Chinaman busts the jew in the mouth. The Jew asks why,the response is ""for the Titanic"" Jew replies ""Titanic, that was an iceberg"" Chinaman retorts ""Iceberg, greenberg 'goldberg......"""
166,"2018-04-12 01:31:11","Everybody Knows Andre Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Andre was bragging to his boss one day. ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. ""OK, Andre how about George Clooney?"" Andre replied: ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Andre and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on George Clooney's door and sure enough, George Clooney shouts: ""Andre! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"" Although impressed, Andre's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Clooney's house, he tells Andre that he thinks him knowing Clooney was just lucky. ""No, no, just name anyone else,"" Andre says. ""President Bush,"" his boss quickly retorts. ""Yes,"" Andre says, ""I know him, let's fly out to Washington."" And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Andre on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, ""Andre, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."" Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Andre, who again implores him to name anyone else. ""The Pope,"" his boss replies. ""Sure!"" says Andre. ""My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."" So off they fly to Rome. Andre and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Andre says, ""This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."" And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Andre emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Andre returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Andre asks him, ""What happened?"" His boss looks up and says, ""I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: ""Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Andre?"""
167,"2018-04-12 01:31:16","Fart Jokes Popular Pick Favorite Drink Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes Q: What do you call a person that doesn't fart in public? A: a PRIVATE TUTOR. Q: What's more fun than a Canadian Microwave? A: A dutch oven Q: What's the definition of bravery? A: a man with diarrhea chancing a fart! Q: Why don't farts graduate from high school? A: Because they always end up getting expelled! Q: What's the difference between Mozart and Mr. Methane? A: One is music to your ear; the other is music from his rear. Q: Why don't little girls fart? A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married. Q: What is the Definition of bravery? A: Someone who has diarrhea and chances a fart. Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world? A: A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole. Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions? A: Tear Gas. Q: Did you hear about ninja farts? A: They are silent but deadly. Q: Why do farts smell? A: For the benefit of people who are hearing impaired! Q: What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans? A: Puss n Toots. Q: What do you call a television episode dedicated to flatulence? A: A gassy montage. Q: Why do horses like to fart when they buck? A: Because they can't achieve full horse power without gas. Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings. Q: What did the high Priest comment before he flushed the toilet? A: Holy Crap! Q: Why don't you fart in church? A: Because you have to sit in your pew. Q: What do you call a dinosaurs fart? A: A Blast from the past. Q: What did Britney Spears say after she let one rip? A: ""Oops I Sharted Again"" Q: Why do cherry trees stink? A: Because George Washington 'cut one'. Q: What does Mitt Romney say when he farts? A: Obama did it. Q: What do surfers worry about? A: A shart attack. Q: What did the burp say to the other burp? A: Let's be naughty and go out the other end! Q: What do you call ""fart"" in German? A: Farfrompoopin! Q: What is a fart? A: The lonely cry of an abandoned turd. Q: What did one butthole say to the other? A: Let's get the ffffaaarrrtt out of here! Q: What is it called when Queen of England farts? A: A noble gas. Q: What does it mean to 'cupcake' someone? A: Fart in your hand and put you hand in someone's face Q: What's the difference between a museum and a Mr. Methane act? A: One has artifacts; the other does farty acts. What does Beyblade and farts have in common? 3,2,1... Let it rip! A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place. But in the end it couldn't 'cos it had no guts. Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste? I fart. Why?....... because it's the only gas I can afford. If you fart during a game of Twister, you are dead to me. >br? I would make a fart joke but i am afraid that it would stink. Farting on an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably shit. I didn't fart. My intestines just blew you a kiss. it was Saturday night and the moon was green and around the corner came a fart machine a fart was left a scream was heard and the moon got killed by a flying turd Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing. While at dinner party, a man farts. Other man says ""How dare you fart in front of my wife"". First man says ""Sorry, I didn't realize it was her turn"". Doctor's Visit Doctor: ""What seems to be the problem today?"" Patient: ""Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"" The Doctor nods, ""Hmm."" Patient: ""My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."" ""Hmm,"" says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled ""Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"" ""No,"" sighs the Doctor, ""The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."" Old Lady An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says ""Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!"" Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says ""Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!"" About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says ""Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"" Car Shopping A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, ""Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, ""Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"" He answers, ""Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."" Pilots There was a Mexican, a American and a Japanese pilot. They were taking turns flying over each of ther countries so they were flying over Kapan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said ""Because I love my country!"" So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said ""Because I love my country"" So they went on to America and the American drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said ""Because I hate my country"" So they landed in their respective countries and the Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said whats the matter and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head. Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit him in the head. Then the American was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and he said ""I farted and the building behind me exploded"" Teachers Lesson The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "" definitely "" in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, ""Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"" The Teacher says, ""Of course not Johnny,"" To which Johnny replies, ""Then I have definitely s**t my pants,"". The Question A boy comes home and says to his parents ""Mom, dad, the teacher asked a question today and I was the only kid in the class that knew the answer!"" And the parents say ""That's amazing son! What was the question?"" And the boy says ""Who farted?"" Restaurant A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the Waiter right behind her. Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts ""Stop That!"" To which the Waiter replies ""Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"" Fart Dixie A broke dirty Cowboy walks into a bar and says, ""Gimme whiskey."" The bartender says, ""I'll have to see your money first."" ""I'm broke, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"" The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience start cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leave. The bartender screams, ""You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"" And the Cowboy replies, ""Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"" Starbucks A man walks into a Starbucks with his iphone... He suddenly realises he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking 'the music is loud no one will hear' So he farts... When he looks around, everyone's staring at him Then he realises... He was listening to his iphone with headphones. Brothel Man goes to a brothel. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Polack comes out in five minutes. ""How was it?"", says the Madam. ""I don't know,"" says the Polak, ""I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"" Elderly Couple An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, ""I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"" The husband replies, ""Put a new battery in your hearing aid."" Medical Students Two medical students saw a man limping down the street outside the teaching hospital. One student told the other ""That limp is due to arthritis of the hip"". ""No"" said the other ""he has an artificial leg"". ""Lets ask him"" said the first student and they went up to the man. ""I hope you don't mind sir but we are medical students from the hospital and we are interested in your limp"". He went on to explain their respective theories. The limping man looked at them with pity and said--""you thought it was arthritis and you are wrong, you think it""s a wooden leg and you're wrong, I thought it was a fart and I was wrong"". Your Mom Your moms so poor, I farted and she said who turned on the heat. Your moms so old, she farts dust. Your mom so fat when she farted in the Gulf of Mexico it caused Hurricane Katrina Farting Pick Up Lines Did you fart? 'cuz you just blew me away! Mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted? Did you fart....Because you are blowing me away! Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
168,"2018-04-12 01:31:18","Female Hormones Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive."
169,"2018-04-12 01:31:20","Fight With Wife Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried. ""What's the matter?"" the bartender asks. ""My wife and I got into a fight,"" explained the guy ""and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."" After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. ""But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"". ""Yeah, except today is the last night."""
170,"2018-04-12 01:31:23","Fire Engine Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, ""If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"""
171,"2018-04-12 01:31:27","Fly In Beer Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, ""Come on you little git, spit it out!"""
172,"2018-04-12 01:31:32","Foreign Leaders Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes During a World Economic Summit, Barack Obama, Mexican President Enrique Pe?a Nieto, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Manuel Valls are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. George Bush says ""This is a fine bottle of wine Prime Minister Chirac"" Upon hearing this Prime Minister Chirac throws out a case of France's finest wine and says ""In France fine wine is bountiful and plenty!"" Not to be outdone by Vladimir Putin who then throws out two cases of Russia's finest Vodka ""In Russia premier vodka spirits flow like the Volga River"" President Bush not wanting to seem weak, thinks for a moment, looks at Mexican president Vicente Fox, and throws him out the window."
173,"2018-04-12 01:31:33","Four Brothers Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There were four brothers , Somebody, Nobody, Brain and Mad. One day Somebody got angry and killed Nobody, then Brain went in the toilet crying. Then Mad phoned the police and said ""Somebody killed Nobody"". The Police said ""Where is your brain"", Mad said ""It is in the toilet."""
174,"2018-04-12 01:31:39","Foxy Lady Jokes Popular Pick Free Beer Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked. After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. ""There might be some matches in the top drawer."", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. ""Is this your husband?"" he inquired nervously. ""No, silly,"" she replied, snuggling up to him. ""Your boyfriend then?"" he asked. ""No, not at all,"" she said, nibbling away at his ear. ""Well, who is he then?"" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, ""That's me before the operation."""
175,"2018-04-12 01:31:43","Friday the 13th Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. ""There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. ""What am I doing?"" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ""It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."" The guy thinks about it for a second and says, ""Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"" ""Have a nice weekend,"" said the officer."
176,"2018-04-12 01:31:47","Giraffe In Bar Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, ""A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please."" So they proceed to drink. Then: ""...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too"" And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, ""Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"" The guy replies ""That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."""
177,"2018-04-12 01:31:48","Girls Night Out Joke Popular Pick Give Me A Beer Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary. One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a reef off a head stone. Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says ""I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night."" The other one says ""Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying you were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department."""
178,"2018-04-12 01:31:52","Going Home Drunk Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: ""Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."" The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: ""Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"""
179,"2018-04-12 01:31:55","Golden Bar Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a bar.. Everything in this bar is golden!!! Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats...... After one too many drinks he stumbles into what he thinks is the toilet and theres even a golden urinal!! The man goes home and tells his wife about this place and she isnt convinced, so in the morning she fones the bar and says, ""Is every thing in your bar golden..? Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats???"" ""Yes"" ansers the bartender.. ""What about a golden urinal?"" ""Wait Right Here"" says the bartender.... ""Eddie.. I think we found the guy who leaked in your saxophone!"
180,"2018-04-12 01:32:01","Golfing Priest Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ""Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."" God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, ""Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."" God smiled. ""Think about it -- who can he tell?"""
181,"2018-04-12 01:32:06","Green Yellow Pink Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer. He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another. I said ""You got money? He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round.... I looked at him and told him..if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow. The drunk mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me..""I got it senor, I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?"" I bought him a round...."
182,"2018-04-12 01:32:09","Greyhound Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, ""I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ""Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"""
183,"2018-04-12 01:32:11","Golf Club Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. ""Why not,"" asks the golf club. ""You'll be driving later,"" replies the bartender."
184,"2018-04-12 01:32:15","Hand Job Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. ""Are you the manager?"" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. ""Actually, no"" he replies. ""Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?"" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. ""I'm afraid I can't"" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. ""Is there anything I can do?"" ""Yes there is. I need you to give him a message"" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. ""Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."""
185,"2018-04-12 01:32:18","Hanging From Ceiling Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar and sees steaks hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender about the steaks and he tells him that if he can hit 1 of the steaks he would get free drinks for the night. ""But if you fail"" the bar tender said ""You'll be buy'n drinks for everyone for the rest of the hour."" ""Nah i'm good"" said the man ""I think the steaks are too high"""
186,"2018-04-12 01:32:20","Hangover Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes Do you know the fun thing about being sober? Nothing. What do you call the comedy about two blondes and a hangover? ""Dude, Where's my bra"" What do you call a wine induced hangover? A grape depression. What's the only way an Irishman will get the brown bottle flu? A dirty glass. What's the best way to avoid a hangover? Stay Drunk! What's the difference between Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday? Mardi Gras is an all night party in New Orleans, Fat Tuesday is who you wake up with hungover the next morning. Did you hear about the Irishman who woke up with dawn damage? He got a dirty glass. Our hangovers will last a day, but the memories we make tonight will last a lifetime. I've been told I have A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder) A hangover is a wrath of grapes. Don't know if I avoided a hangover or if I'm still drunk. I'm not hungover someone just slipped me a bad ice cube. I love alcohol, but I hate hangovers. And my hatred of hangovers wins by a landslide every time. Drunk Mexican I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer. He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another. I said ""You got money? He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round.... I looked at him and told him..if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow. The drunk mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me..""I got it senor, I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?"" Drunk Driving It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. ""Are you Mr. Johnson?"" the asked? He admitted that he was. ""Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"" Again, the man admitted that was he. ""And what did you do then,"" the troopers asked."" The man replied that he was a little hungover but he remembered driving his car home and going to bed. ""Where is your car now?"" the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. ""May we see the car?"" asked the troopers. The man answered, ""Sure,"" and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car."
187,"2018-04-12 01:32:25","Happy People Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There was a mexican, black, and a redneck were walking along. When at the same time they all see a lamp sitting on a table and run up to it. A genie pops up and says sense there is 3 of you, you each get one wish. The mexican stepped forward and said, ""I wish all my people could go back to mexico and be happy."" Then the black man walks up and says, ""I wish all my people could go back to africa and be happy."" Then the redneck steps forward and says, "" let me get this straight all the mexicans are going back to mexico and all the blacks are going back to africa in that case i'll take a pina colada."
188,"2018-04-12 01:32:28","Hardcore Mice Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, ""I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times."" And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, ""That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it."" And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, ""Where the hell are you going?"" The third mouse stops and replies, ""I'm going home to shag my pussy."""
189,"2018-04-12 01:32:28","Hate Tha Playa Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes This Playa Playa goes into a bar and notices a major hotie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, Playa Playa couldn't put a dent into this little cutie ""No thank you,"" she would always say."" Playa Playa was determined, this little cutie was worth giving up the game They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities At the end of the night he finally caved ""Why won't you come home with me?"" The little cutie said the following ""This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."" ""That must be rather difficult,"" playa playa replied. ""Oh, I don't mind too much,"" she said. ""But, it has my husband pretty upset."""
190,"2018-04-12 01:32:32","How To Explain Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, ""Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"" The farmer says, ""Some things you just can't explain."" ""So what happened that is so horrible?"" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, ""Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."" ""That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"" The farmer says, ""Some things you just can't explain."" ""So what happened?"" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued ""I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."" ""Again?"" The farmer says, ""Some things you just can't explain."" "" So, what did you do then?"" then man asked, intrigued. ""I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."" ""Wow, you must have been pretty upset!"" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."" The farmer says, ""Some things you just can't explain."" ""So then what else did you do?"" the man asked again. ""Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."""
191,"2018-04-12 01:32:35","Hygiene Salesman Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen. Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: ""Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?"" Bill replied, ""Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with green onions, parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'HOLY SHIT!! This fucking tastes like CRAP!!' I reply 'Yes sir! That's what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"""
192,"2018-04-12 01:32:36","Ice Fishing Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There's a drunk guy who decides that he wants to go ice fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot. Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, ""There's no fish in here."" The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing. Again, the voice booms out, ""I've told you once, there's no fish in here!"" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task. ""Stop it!"" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, ""You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."" ""Who are you"" shouts the drunk guy, ""you don't scare me!"" ""Look,"" replies the voice, ""I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"""
193,"2018-04-12 01:32:38","If You Like Pina Coladas Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a jazz bar in Caribbean and orders a pina colada. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a hot blonde grabs the drink pours it on his head and stabs him with the umbrella The man asks the barman ""Whose that blonde?"". The barman replies ""She's the piano player's girlfriend"". The man walks over to the piano player and says ""Do you know your girlfriend poured a drink on me and stabbed me in the back."" The pianist replies ""No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."""
194,"2018-04-12 01:32:41","Inheritance Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, ""You look terrible. What's the problem?"" ""My mother died in August,"" his friend replied, ""and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000."" ""Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."" ""And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."" His friend continued. ""Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."" ""Then this month,"" concluded, the friend, ""absolutely nothing!"""
195,"2018-04-12 01:32:45","In The Navy Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the size of a grapefruit. The first man said ""Excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"" The man said ""buy me a drink and I'll tell you."" The drink was ordered and the story began. I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to swim to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was walking on the beach one day looking for food and when I looked up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and told me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. That's great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and I was built like a Stallion. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and only one wish left, I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all, so I said, ""well, how about a little head then?"""
196,"2018-04-12 01:32:51","Ireland Mates Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ""Why of course,"" comes the reply. The first man then asks: ""Where are you from?"" ""I'm from Ireland,"" replies the second man. The first man responds: ""You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."" ""Of course,"" replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: ""Where in Ireland are you from?"" ""Dublin,"" comes the reply. ""I can't believe it,"" says the first man. ""I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."" ""Of course,"" replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: ""What school did you go to?"" ""Saint Vincent's,"" replies the second man, ""I graduated in '62."" ""This is unbelievable!"", the first man says. ""I went to Saint Vincent's and I graduated in '62, too!"" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. ""What's been going on?"" he asks the bartender. ""Nothing much,"" replies the bartender. ""The O'Malley twins are drunk again."""
197,"2018-04-12 01:32:56","Irish Widow Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ""Brenda, may I come in?"" he asks. ""I've somethin' to tell ya."" ""Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"" ""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."" ""Oh, God no!"" cries Brenda. ""Please don't tell me..."" ""I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."" Finally, she looked up at Tim. ""How did it happen, Tim?"" ""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."" ""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"" ""Well, no Brenda, no."" ""No?"" ""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."""
198,"2018-04-12 01:32:57","IronMan Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the bouncer would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money. Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar! Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked ""What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a construction worker, weightlifter, what?"" ""No"" the man replied, ""I work for the IRS."""
199,"2018-04-12 01:33:00","Investment Advice Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $16.00. With Enron, you would have $12.50 of the original $1,000.00 invested a year before bankruptcy.. With WorldCom, you would have less than $4.00 left. If you invested $1000.00 with Bernie Madoff you would have $0 If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $215.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle."
200,"2018-04-12 01:33:03","Jewish, Catholic, and Mormon Joke Popular Pick Jumper Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.? ? The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, ""I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team!"" ? The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, ""That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team."" ? To which the Mormon man replied, ""You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"""