joke.id,joke.ts,joke.title,joke.content
201,"2018-04-12 01:33:06","Just Can't Figure It Out Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. ""I don't get it,"" complained the first guy, ""He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"" ""Yeah,"" replies his buddy, ""He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."""
202,"2018-04-12 01:33:11","Just Looking Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, ""Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."" ""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."" ""I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."""
203,"2018-04-12 01:33:15","Laughing Matter Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A pregnant woman get on a bus, and sits next to this man, who smiled. Feeling uncomfortable moves and he smiles more. She moves to a third seat and he starts laughing, but when she moves to a forth seat he loses control. Later in court. ""When the lady got on the bus her condition was apparent yet she sat under a sign that said ""Coming soon: gold rush twins."" Then she sat under a second sign, a shaving sign it read: ""Williams stick did the trick"". Yet she moved to another seat that said ""Linament will reduce swelling."" Then when she moved to a forth seat the sign said ""Dunlop rubber goods would have prevented this accident"" and I lost control."
204,"2018-04-12 01:33:18","Learn ABCs Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes At school a boy has to go to the bathroom and his teacher says ""Okay, but learn your ABC's when you get home."" When he goes home he asks his mom (whose on the phone) to teach him some letters and she replies""shut-up"" His dad (watching foot ball) says ""score"" his sister(headphones on while taking out trash) says ""you're garbage you're garbage"" his brother (watching batman ) says ""nunununu BATMAN!"" The next day when he goes to school his teacher says say your ABC's ""shut-up"" he replies. Do you want to go to the principles office? ""score"" he says. I'm disappointed in you.""you're garbage you're garbage"". Who do you think you are? ""Nunununu BATMAN!"""
205,"2018-04-12 01:33:19","Lodge Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says ""I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast"" Manager:""I am sorry sir this is your personnal issue,please solve it by yourself."" Husband: ""The window is not opening, this is not perosnnal issue this is a maintaince issue."""
206,"2018-04-12 01:33:26","Lone Ranger Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, ""Who's white horse it that outside?"" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, ""It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"" The cowboy looks at him and says, ""Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."" The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, ""Who's white horse is that outside?"" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, ""That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"" ""Nothing,"" replies the cowboy, ""I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."""
207,"2018-04-12 01:33:29","Magic Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, ""Do you want to play magic?"" ""What's that?"" she replies. Grinning a little, he continues, ""You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."""
208,"2018-04-12 01:33:33","Magic Slide Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three little boys found a slide. It was a magic slide. The first litle boy said coke and landed in coke. The second litlle boy said cake and he landed in cake. The third litle boy said weeeeeeee and landed in piss."
209,"2018-04-12 01:33:39","Main Street DUI Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A businessman who had too much alcohol at his company's christmas party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the sharply dressed man couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. ""Are you Mr. Johnson?"" the asked? He admitted that he was. ""Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"" Again, the man admitted that was he. ""And what did you do then,"" the troopers asked."" The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. ""Where is your car now?"" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. ""May we see the car?"" asked the troopers. The man, becoming a little flustered answered, ""Sure, let me just....,"" and opened the garage. Sure enough the car in the garage was a state troopers car."
210,"2018-04-12 01:33:40","Menu Readers Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently. ""What the hell do you think you're doing?"" she screams. One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, ""Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"""
211,"2018-04-12 01:33:45","Middle of the Ocean Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A Russian, a Mexican, and a White guy are stranded in the middle of the ocean. The Russian takes out a bottle of the finest Vodka, chugs a third of the bottle and throws the rest overboard. The beaner and white guy scream ""Why did you do that? Why not share."" The Russian replies, ""Don't worry, we have plenty of that in Russia. When we are rescued we'll have all the Vodka we would ever need. Hearing this the Beaner gets out a huge joint, lights it up, takes several long tokes and tosses the rest overboard. He gets the same reaction from the other two. To which he replies, ""Don't worry, we have more than enough smoke to go around in Mexico."" After several minutes, the white guy goes to the beaner, picks him up and tosses him overboard. ""Don't worry, we have plenty of those where I come from too."""
212,"2018-04-12 01:33:51","My Point Exactly Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says ""I want you to see this."" She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, ""what do you have to say about this experiment?"" He responds by saying: ""If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"""
213,"2018-04-12 01:33:55","My Watch Pick Up Line Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No,"" he replies, ""I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."" Intrigued, the woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" ""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,"" he explains. ""What's it telling you now?"", she asks. ""Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."". The woman giggles & replies, ""Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"" The man exclaims, ""Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!""."
214,"2018-04-12 01:33:59","Need A Necktie Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, ""Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."""
215,"2018-04-12 01:34:02","New Alcohol Warnings Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob."
216,"2018-04-12 01:34:04","No Bananas Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes This monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ""Do you have any bananas?"" The bartender says no, and the monkey leaves. The next day, the monkey returns and asks, ""Do you have any bananas?"" The bartender again says no, and the monkey leaves. Two days later the monkey returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, ""Do you have any bananas?"" The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the monkey, ""I told you monkey, I don't have any bananas and if you ask me again I will nail your paws and tail to the floor!!"" The monkey looked startled and leaves. Two days later the monkey returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, ""Do you have any nails?"" The bartender replied, ""No,"" and the monkey said, ""Good! Got any bananas?"""
217,"2018-04-12 01:34:07","No Land Lovers Here Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, ""So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"" The pirate replies, ""We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."" ""Wow!"" said the seaman. ""What about your hook""? ""Well"", replied the pirate, ""We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."" ""Incredible!"" remarked the seaman. ""How did you get the eye patch""? ""A seagull dropping fell into my eye,"" replied the pirate. ""You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,"" the sailor asked incredulously. ""Well,"" said the pirate, ""it was my first day with my hook"""
218,"2018-04-12 01:34:14","Not My Husband Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three women are walking down the street late one evening in a small village, when from the bar they see a man stubble out and fall face first into a mud puddle. They ran up to him and rolled him over but couldn't tell who he was, one of the women pulled his pants down looked and said... ""That's not MY husband"" the second woman looked and said...""Nope, that's not your husband"" The third woman looked and replied ""He's not even from our village""!"
219,"2018-04-12 01:34:15","Old Man Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes OK... Theres these two guys that walk into a bar. There is a old guy and his son. They order two beers. The bartender asks them where they are from. And the old guys says "" what did he say"" and his son replies he said where are u from. The old man replies San antonio. The bartender says aaah "" Ive been to San Antone before. The oldman says ""what did he say "" His son replies ""He says hes been to San Antonio before"" the old man replies oooo. The bartender says Ya i got the best blowjob there i have ever had. the old man says what did you say. The son replies he said he met your sister"
220,"2018-04-12 01:34:21","Old West Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There was a cowboy, an indian man, and a black man setting at a bar. The indian says many many moons ago there were thousands of indians in America but today we are very few, The black man says long time ago there were very few black men around but today there's thousands of blackmen in America, The cowboy laughs and says well thats because we haven't played cowboys and blackmen yet!"
221,"2018-04-12 01:34:24","One Eyed Bastard Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Once there was a one eyed man who walked in to a pet shop He said ""Hi I'd like to buy that parrot"" The clerk said ""I think that the bird will make fun of your one eye The guy laughingly says ""I think I can deal with it"" He gets the bird home and says ""Polly want a cracker?"" The bird replied ""Fuck you you one eyed bastard"" Then the guy hit the parrot on the head with a spoon He says ""Polly want a cracker?"" and the bird says ""Fuck you you one eyed bastard"" Then he puts the bird in the microwave for 30 seconds and says it again and again the bird says ""Fuck you you one eyed bastard"" So he puts it in the freezer and says he will come back in ten minutes He ends up falling asleep for 3 hours He wakes up and says ""Oh shit the bird"" He goes upstairs to get the bird, opens the freezer and sees the bird frozen solid with his middle finger up and one hand over his eye"
222,"2018-04-12 01:34:29","One Liners Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes What does a man who walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm say? ""Pint please, and one for the road."" Why didn't the bartender serve the snake? Because he couldn't hold his beer. What do two condoms say when walking past a gay bar. ""Wanna go get shit faced?"" What do you call a basement full of women? A whine cellar! Four gays in the bar and only one stool. What do they do? Turn it over! So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . . a guy walks into a bar he says ouch it was a crowbar A giraffe walked in to a bar and the barman said whats with the long face A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says ""We don't serve poultry!"" The chicken says ""That's OK I just want a drink."" Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, ""Hey, do you taste something funny?"" This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, ""Hey! We have a drink named after you!"" The grasshopper replies, ""Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"" What does a termite say when he walks into a bar? ""Is the bar tender here?"" What did the Bartender say when two jumper cables walk into a bar. ""You guys better not start anything in here."""
223,"2018-04-12 01:34:31","One More Shot Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of tequila. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot of tequila. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot of tequila. The bartender is curious and askes him ""every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"" The man replies, ""I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."""
224,"2018-04-12 01:34:36","Panda Bears Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar. A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, ""What was that all about?"" The bartender replies, ""Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."" And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.' ""What's it say?"" asks the bartender. The patron replies with a grin, ""Eats shoots and leaves."""
225,"2018-04-12 01:34:38","Pet Alligator Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. ""I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."" The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. ""I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try"". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. ""I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle""."
226,"2018-04-12 01:34:39","Pet Monkey Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, ""Did you see what your monkey just did?"" The guy says, ""No, what?"" ""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"" says the bartender. ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replies the patron. ""He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."" He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. ""Did you see what your monkey did now?"" ""Now what?"" asks the patron. ""Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"" says the barkeeper. ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replies the patron. ""He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"""
227,"2018-04-12 01:34:41","Pint Of Less Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A drunk guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, ""Can I have a pint of Less, please?"" ""I'm sorry sir,"" the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, ""I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"" ""I've no idea,"" replies the guy, ""The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."""
228,"2018-04-12 01:34:46","Pirate Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says ""Hey, did you know there is a a steering wheel in your pants?"" The pirate goes ""ARRRRGGGG and it's driving me nuts!"""
229,"2018-04-12 01:34:49","Plastic Surgery Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, ""Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."" The lady asks, ""How do I do it without surgery?"" ""Just rub toilet paper between them."" Startled the lady asks, ""How does that make them bigger?"" ""I don't know, but it worked for your ass."""
230,"2018-04-12 01:34:52","Playing It Cool Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, ""Would you like to dance?"" The girl says, ""I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."" The guy says, ""I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."""
231,"2018-04-12 01:34:56","Pounds of Dynamite Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A strong man barges into a bar feeling all pumped up to bang a chick. He is confronted with this sexy bimbo waitress who falls head over heals for him. The guy shows off his muscles and winks at this girl, she responds with A flying kiss of her own. This continues for a while when fianlly the girl invites this dude to sleep with her at her place. He accepts gleefully. In the room The girl is lying on the bed and the hunk starts to strip off. He takes off his shirt pointing towards his biceps, says ""Look at them, these are one thousand pounds of dynamite"" The girl gets blown away at this sight. Next goes off his pants and the focus is on his thighs, saying ""Look at them, these are one thousand pounds of dynamite"" Now she's starting to get wet and all ready for the trailor to ride home as the only thing left are the underpants. Muscle maniac pulls out the jack pot and lets loose of his jumbo. On sight of his dick the girl, ""Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh........... Get away from me"" runs away. The guy eventually catches up and asks ""What the hell happened?"" Girl ""Danger! Danger! I had to go, I was scared"" Guy ""What do you mean?"" Girl ""With two thousand pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse I thought you were about to explode"""
232,"2018-04-12 01:35:01","Price For Love Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, ""Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?"" As she got up to move, he said loudly, ""Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."" She looked back and replied just as loudly, ""What makes you think I charge by the inch?"""
233,"2018-04-12 01:35:05","Quiet Smoke Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, ""Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll kick your head in!"""
234,"2018-04-12 01:35:06","Real Cheap Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. ""Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."" ""One penny?!"" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, ""Yes."" So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, ""Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"" ""Certainly sir,"" replies the bartender, ""but all that comes to real money."" ""How much money?"" inquires the guy. ""Four cents,"" he replies. ""Four cents?!"" exclaims the guy. ""Where's the guy who owns this place?"" The barman replies, ""Upstairs with my wife."" The guy says, ""What's he doing with your wife?"" The bartender replies, ""Same as what I'm doing to his business."""
235,"2018-04-12 01:35:11","Redneck Roadblock Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, ""Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"" ""Don't worry Bubba,"" Earl said. ""We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."" ""What fer?"" asked Bubba. ""Just let me do the talking, okay?"" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, ""Have you boys been drinking?"" ""No sir."" said Earl. ""We're on the patch."""
236,"2018-04-12 01:35:12","Reincarnation Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes These three men died in a bar fight and went to Heaven. God told these Men that they could return to Earth an animal of their choice (excluding humans). And they were told to jump off a cliff and say what animal they wanted to be. the first one ran, jumped and said eagle. The second one did the same and said bear. the third one did the same but when he got close to the cliff he slipped and said shit. Sure enough they turned into what they said."
237,"2018-04-12 01:35:15","Roll of Quarters Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. ""Hi, there, I'm Jerry,"" he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, ""and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"" ""As a matter of fact there is,"" she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. ""Do you have change for a dollar?"""
238,"2018-04-12 01:35:21","Scotch Drinker Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. ""This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."" The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. ""This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."" The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, ""What do you think of this?"" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling ""Why, this tastes like piss,"" The old drunk replies, ""That's right, now tell me how old I am."""
239,"2018-04-12 01:35:25","Second Chance Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes One day there was a gay guy, a robber and a drunk. They were living their life and one day the gay guy did his deed and poof he is gone. Then the robber goes and robs a bank and poof he's gone. Then the drunk gets drunk at a bar and poof he's gone. When they were up in heaven and begging god can for another chance, god relents but warns all three men ""You cannot repeat your mistakes at all"" They all said okay so god sends them down to earth. The drunk thinks for a moment and says ""I will just step into a bar there is no way god can see me"" So as soon as he steps foot in poof hes gone Then the gay guy and the robber are walking when the thief sees a 20 dollar bill and says ""If it is just laying on the ground it is not stealing"" So he bends down to pick it up and poof poof they are both gone."
240,"2018-04-12 01:35:28","Sign on Beer Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, ""I spat in this beer, do not drink!"" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, ""So did I!"""
241,"2018-04-12 01:35:35","Smart Ass Questions Popular Pick Sobriety Test Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Smart Ass Questions If bars aren't allowed to serve drunk people, then why is McDonald's still allowed to serve fat people? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? what do butterflies feel in their stomach when they're in love? why can't our mind tell the difference between hungry & bored? Why is pizza round but come in a square box. can you cry under water? Why is it that if someone yells ""duck"" they are helping you, but if they yell ""chicken"" they are insulting you? Do penguins have knees? Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its turning on? Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway? In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section? Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel? If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy? Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts? If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant? If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient? Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are? Can a comedian bound to a wheelchair do standup? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? If a hermaphrodite got sent to a gender specific prison, which one would it get sent to? What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? Why are violets blue and not violet? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in ""anagram""? Why can't we tickle ourselves? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight? Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4"" x 3 1/2""? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it called a ""building"" when it is already built? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Dumb Questions What do people in China call their good plates? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? What do you call male ballerinas? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Does a man-eating shark eat women, too? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? How can someone ""draw a blank""? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath? How dead is the Dead Sea? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? How many weeks are there in a light year? How much milk is there in the Milky Way? If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing ""Happy Birthday?"" If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from? Why do we sing ""Take me out to the ball game,"" when we are already there? If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do? If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why don't they just make food stamps edible? Why is a boxing ring square?"
242,"2018-04-12 01:35:41","Stella Awards Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual ""Stella Awards."" The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners: 7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. 6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around."
243,"2018-04-12 01:35:43","Stupid Watch Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three men have a bet they had to throw their watches down a hill run down and catch it. First the man from England went but the watch hit the ground ""Oh hell"" he shouted Next the man from scotland went and his watch hit the ground ""Oh hell"" he shouted Next the man from Austallia threw his watch in the air and did the shopping had a date came back and caught the watch ""Yes"" he shouted ""Wow how you do that?"" the other 2 men said ""I am austraillian my watch is 4 hours slow."""
244,"2018-04-12 01:35:45","Stupid Wife Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, ""Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."" The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, ""It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, ""I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"""
245,"2018-04-12 01:35:46","Stupid Wish Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his ass. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: ""Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"""
246,"2018-04-12 01:35:48","Super Drunk Man Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, ""hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"" The first guy responds, ""oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."" ""WOW!"" exclaims the second man, ""I gotta try that!"" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, ""Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."""
247,"2018-04-12 01:35:53","Taco Bell Chihuahua Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ""Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."" So the Doberman says in an American accent, ""I think liver and cheese sucks."" The Collie replies, ""That's not good enough."" The Bulldog says in a British accent, ""I find Liver and cheese to be a bit dodgey."" She says, ""That's not creative enough."" Finally, the Chihuahua says in a mexican accent, ""Liver alone . . . cheese mine."""
248,"2018-04-12 01:35:58","Talk To The Hand Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes This guy walks into a biker bar talking on his hand. The bartender asks ""What the hell are you doing?"" He says ""I'm talkin on my phone."" The bartender says ""What do you mean, you're talking on your hand?"" He says ""I know but it's also a phone. Here tell me your number and I'll call your house an you can talk to whoever is their. So the bartender tells him his number and it works, but the bartender tells him not to talk on his hand here or he'll get his ass kicked. So he walks in to the bathroom. A hour later the bartender figures he probably got his ass kicked. So he walks in to the bathroom and the guys standing naked in the middle of the bathroom with toilet paper sticking out of his ass. The bartender asks ""What are you doing now? The guy replied ""I am waiting for a fax."""
249,"2018-04-12 01:36:00","Tattoo Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him ""Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"" The Jamaican replied, ""No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day""."
250,"2018-04-12 01:36:02","Tequila Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks,"" How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!"" The jumper responds by slurring, ""Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."" He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him,"" You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."""
251,"2018-04-12 01:36:07","Texas Smarts Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ""That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."" He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, ""Kin ya swaller?"" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, ""Kin ya breathe?"" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, ""Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."""
252,"2018-04-12 01:36:12","Thank God Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ""I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."" Our wasted friend asked, ""Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"" ""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,"" said the cop. ""Let's go."" Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, ""Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."""
253,"2018-04-12 01:36:14","Things You Think About When Drunk Jokes","Back to: Bar Jokes One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..... Is Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? What if there were no hypothetical questions? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to ""get away from it all?"" If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? What was the best thing before sliced bread? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word ""Lisp"" to have ""S"" in it? Why are haemorrhoids called ""haemorrhoids"" instead of ""asteroids""? Why is there an expiry date on sour cream? If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented? Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
254,"2018-04-12 01:36:21","This Little Piggy Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, ""Where's the bathroom?"" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, ""Where's the bathroom?"" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in. One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. ""Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?"" says the bartender. ""No thanks,"" the piggy slurs, ""I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"""
255,"2018-04-12 01:36:26","Three Bouncers Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There's 3 bouncers and they are being interviewed by the owner of a club who has no ears. Th first bouncer walks in, the guy interviewing is like 'This a job based on observation, make an observation about me."" The bouncer being interviewed is like ""You got no ears,"" the owner giving the interview says ""Get out!"". Second bouncer walks in sits down, the guy says ""This a job based on observation, make an observation about me."" The bouncer is like, ""You got no ears,"" the club owner says ""Get out!"" The third bouncer is walking to the door, but the second bouncer stops him and says, 'Don't mention his ears he gets very sensitive about it."" Third guy says ""OK"" he goes in sits down, the owner is like ""This a job based on observation, make an observation about me,"" The bouncer is like ""You're wearing contacts,"" the club owner is like ""How can you tell?"" The bouncer is like ""You can't wear glasses you got no ears."""
256,"2018-04-12 01:36:29","Three Californians Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Three Californians go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, ""I am from the San Diego School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."" They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. ""I am from the University of California School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."" The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side and let him go. The last one is strapped in and says, ""Well, I'm a Cal-Berkley Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."""
257,"2018-04-12 01:36:35","Three Sausages Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes There's this butcher and one day as he turned to go home a dog stopped him an d there was a note in his mouth. The note read ""Can I have a steak and three sausage links please?"" The butcher took the note and gathered the things. When he turned back around he was surprised to see a twenty dollar bill in the dog's mouth. The dog grabbed the meat in a bag and padded off. The astounded baker closed up shop and followed the amazing dog. The pair soon came to a bus stop. The dog looked at the schedule and sat down on the bench. The first bus came and the dog got up and trotted over to the front of the bus, looked at the number and sat back down. Another bus came and again the dog looked at the bus number and saw it was the right one. He got on, the butcher closely following. The bus rumbled on and the dog jumped up walked to the front of the bus, leaped up and grabbed the leaver to stop the bus. As the dog got out with the butcher in tow he set down the meat at the beggining of a walkway and ran all the way up and banged his head against the door of a nice house. The dog did it again and hopped up on a fence to peer in the window. The canine knoked on the window with his head and jumped back to the end of the walkway, grabbed the meat and walked up to the door. The door opened and a man walked out and started to yell at the dog. The butcher ran up to stop him. The butcher said"" what are you doing? This dog is amazing,"" ""What are you talking about, This is the second time he's forgot his key!"""
258,"2018-04-12 01:36:39","Tongue Twisters Popular Pick Trapped Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes If A Dog Chews Shoes, What Shoes Should He Choose To Chew. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude If you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish Mixed biscuits, mixed biscuits. You cuss, I cuss, we all cuss, for asparagus! Colorful, caramel colored cows can climb in cold climates on colossal cliffs. A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer! I gratefully gazed at the gracefully grazing gazelles. A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym. While we were walking, we were watching window washers wash Washington's windows with warm washing water. The soldier's shoulder surely hurts! She sifted seven thick-stalked thistles through a strong think sieve. If you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! I spy a spotted sandpiper seemingly sipping on the shore. Rumbling in the chimneys, rattling at the doors, Round the roofs and round the roads the rude wind roars, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled pepper? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper, Where's the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked? If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing. A smart fella, a fella smart. It takes a smart fella to say a fella smart. I wish I were what I was when I wished I were what I am. How many slim slimy snakes would slither silently to the sea if slim slimy snakes could slither silently? A maid named Lady Marmalade made mainly lard and lemonade. M'lady lamely never made a well-named, labelled marmalade! Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish. but, if you wish the wish the witch wishes i won't wish the wish you wish to wish. The big black bug bit the big black bear, but the big black bear bit the big black bug back! A good cook could cook good! Crunchy Crispy Chicken Strips and sauce Amtrak tramp stamp. Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas. Surely the soft summer sun shall shine soon. Sixty sleepy sheep shun sunshine shearing. How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could bag douche? She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore. Swan swam over the pond, Swim swan swim! Swan swam back again - Well swum swan! Three grey geese in green fields grazing. How can a clam cram in a clean cream can? Sheena leads, Sheila needs. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude. Top chopstick shops stock top chopsticks If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews? How many mounds would a groundhog pound if a groundhog pounds hog mounds the sharp shark shop sells short silk shorts Frogfeet, flippers, swimfins. How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot. Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward. Double bubble gum, bubbles double. Knife and a fork bottle and a cork that is the way you spell New York. Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France. A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule. A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk. A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies Vera bought a very big bag of very big avocados. A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back. Don't trouble trouble, until trouble troubles you! If you trouble trouble, triple trouble troubles you! A noise annoys an oyster, but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more! I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop....Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits."
259,"2018-04-12 01:36:45","Two Builders Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. ""I'll bet he's an accountant."" said the first builder. ""Looks more like a stockbroker to me."" argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. ""Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?"" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, ""I'm a logical scientist."" ""A what?"" asked the builder. ""Let me explain"" the man continued, ""Do you have a goldfish at home?"" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, ""Yes, I do as it happens."" ""Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"" ""A pond"" the builder replied. ""Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden."" The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, ""which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."" ""I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself."" the builder said proudly. ""Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."" The builder nodded again, ""Yes, I'm married and we have three children."" ""Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."" ""Five nights a week!"" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, ""Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."" ""Never!"" the builder exclaimed. ""Well there you have it"" the man explained, ""That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, ""I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"" ""Yeah,"" replied the first, ""He's a logical scientist. ""A what?"" the puzzled second builder asked. ""Let me explain"" the first builder continued, ""Do you have a goldfish at home?"" ""No"" replied his mate. ""Well, you're a tosser then!"""
260,"2018-04-12 01:36:49","Two Strings Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells ""I don't serve strings in this bar..."" The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, ""Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"" String says ""Yeah."" Bartender says, ""aren't you a string?"" String says, ""No, I'm a frayed knot..."""
261,"2018-04-12 01:36:51","Underwear Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man goes to a bar. He goes to the dance floor with three ladies. He says to them if I can guess the color of your underwear you have to dance with me. His shoe is shiny so he stuck his foot under the 2 of 3 girls and guessed the color of underwears correctly. When he stuck his foot under the third girl he asked her if she was wearing any underwear. She replied ""No."" He said ""Good because I thought I had a crack in my shoe."""
262,"2018-04-12 01:36:54","Walk Home Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. ""What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?"" said the officer. ""I'm going to a lecture."" The man said. ""And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"" the cop asked. ""My wife,"" said the man."
263,"2018-04-12 01:36:55","What Time? Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes At 4 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. ""It opens at noon,"" answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. ""What time does the bar open?"" he asks. ""Same time as before - noon,"" replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. ""Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"" The clerk then answers, ""It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."" ""No you don't understannnnnd... I don't wanna get in, ah wanna get OUT!"""
264,"2018-04-12 01:36:59","Wifey Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, ""I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."" ""Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!"" she screamed. ""Funny,"" he muttered, ""you even sound exactly like her."""
265,"2018-04-12 01:37:04","Wish For Beer Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, ""Make the entire ocean into beer!"" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: ""Nice going asshole! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."""
266,"2018-04-12 01:37:09","Wish Granted Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, ""I'll have a beer"" and turns to the ostrich. ""What's yours?"" ""I'll have a beer too"" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says ""That will be $3.40 please,"" and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says ""I'll have a beer,"" The ostrich says ""I'll have the same."" Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. ""The usual?"" asks the bartender. ""Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch"" says the man. ""Same for me"" says the ostrich. ""That will be $7.20"" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. ""Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"" ""Well,"" says the man, ""several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."" ""That's brilliant!"" says the bartender. ""Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"" ""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"" says the man. ""That's fantastic!"" says the bartender. ""You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"" The man replies, ""Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."""
267,"2018-04-12 01:37:14","Woman and Her Dog Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, ""Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"""
268,"2018-04-12 01:37:15","Women and Hockey Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, ""You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."" ""Well,"" said the other woman,"" that will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!"""
269,"2018-04-12 01:37:19","Work Outing Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him. ""What do you think you're doing there?"" the policeman asked. ""I'm on my works outing"" came the slurred reply. ""Then"" the policeman queried, ""where are all the others?"" ""Ah"" the man grinned, ""You see officer, I'm self employed!"""
270,"2018-04-12 01:37:24","You Know Your An Alcoholic When Joke Popular Pick Your Mom Joke","Back to: Bar Jokes You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: ""Hi, my name is... uh..."" Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..."
271,"2018-04-12 01:37:26","Blonde Jokes","Back to: Blonde Jokes One Liners Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck. Q: Whats better than roses on a naked blonde? A: Her Tulips ( two lips ) on your organ! Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted. Q: What can save a dying blonde? A: Hair transplants.. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets! Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter? A: They spread for the bread. Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? A: They have to pull their own pants down. Q: Why did the blonde get blown up into pieces A: Because she bought a Palestinian Blow Up Doll from the Sex Shop Q: Why do blondes wear panties? A: To keep their ankles warm. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day? A: Give her a bottle of shampoo which says ""lather, rinse, repeat."" Q: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? A: There is white out on the screen. Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why are blondes bad at Hide and Seek? A: Because they can never find the sausage. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? A: They both swallowed a lot of semen. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. Q: Why do blondes always want boob jobs? A: Because it's the only job they are qualified for. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: What do you call a blond with a brain? A: A golden retriever. Q: Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see ""Closed for the Winter"". Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: Why dont blondes talk while having sex? A: Their moms told them NEVER to talk to strangers. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark! Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers? Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other? A: An air mattress. Q: Where do you look for blondes' obituaries? A: Under ""Home Improvements."" Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? A: She sticks it in the microwave! Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives. Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs? A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box! Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw ""911"" on the back and thought it was a Porsche Q: Why does a blonde dog have lumps on his head? A: From chasing parked cars! Q: Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall? A: So she could see what was on the other side! Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: What do blondes and dog shit have in common? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. Q: What happened after the blonde ran to meet her long lost twin sister? A: She got 7 years of bad luck for breaking her nose on the mirror Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Put ""flip"" on both sides of a piece of paper! Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for French fries. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW? A: Divorcee' Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, ""Sorry, try again."" Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A: A blow job with handle bars. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. Q: Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? A: Because she heard the drinks were on the house. Q: What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer? A: Frosted flakes. Q: What's a brunette's mating call ? A: Has that blonde gone yet? Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige? A: Lipstick on the cucumbers! Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans? Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing? A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes. Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor. Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common? A: They get laid all over America. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: ""Oh look! Donut seeds!"" Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: ""Thanks for the refill!"" Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. Q: What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing, they haven't met! Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold onto a thought. What do you call a brunette between two blondes? A mental block. Q: What goes ""Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screech?"" A: A blonde at a flashing red light. Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers? A: They can't keep their calves together! Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: ""'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"" Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: ""Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."" Q: What does a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: You can put three fingers in both of them, throw them in the gutter, and they'll still come back for more. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? A: Because she kept throwing away all of the W's A blonde went to the bathroom. She had to go #2. She got out of the bathroom and she went to her mom and said look mom I found a friend! Q: What does a blonde and a tornado have in common? A: At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing and then you lose your house! Q: What do u call a blond with 2 ponytail ? A: A blowjob with handelbars! Q: How can you tell if a blonde woman is having a bad day? A: If she is wearing a tampon in her ear and she cant find her pencil. Q: If a blonde and a burnette were to jump off a bridge at the same time witch one would hit the water first? A: The burnette cause the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Q: Why did the blonde highjack a plane and demand to be taken to Jeopardy A: Because she was told that 1000 jobs were in Jeopardy. Q: how do you recognise a blonde at the beach A: They were their g-strings back to front Q: What do you call a blond who never took a shower A: A dirty blonde"
272,"2018-04-12 01:37:31","Dumb Blonde Jokes","Back to: Blonde Jokes Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, ""I slept with a Brazilian...."" The blonde replies, ""Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"" Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an ""F"" in sex. Q: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? A: She sticks it in the microwave! Q: Why did God give blondes 2 more brain cells than horses? A: So they don't shit in the parade. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: ""I'm sooooo drunk!"" Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: Why are blondes bad at Hide and Seek? A: Because they can never find the sausage. Q: Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? A: She wanted a Big Mac meal. Q: Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? A: It only had 1 stalk. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees? A: Cum. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? A: Air Pockets Q: What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A: A Blonde-tourage. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue. Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails? A: To hide the valve stem! Q: Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? A: She didn't know which ""1"" came first! Q: What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A: A blonde at a flashing red light Q: Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? A: She wanted to be spotless inside and out. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins Q: Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? A: Because she wanted sweet dreams! Q: Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? A: Because she wanted to measure how long he slept. Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the door. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken. Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? A: There is white out on the screen. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: ""Thanks for the refill!"" Q: Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? A: To pay her phone bill. Q: How do you kill a Blonde? A: Put a Scratch 'n Sniff at the bottom of a pool. Q: Why blondes can't make Koolaid? A: Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope. Q: Why did the blonde have square tits? A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? A: To record what she was going to dream that night. Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? A: It finally dawned on her! Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. A: So they have somewhere to put their feet when having sex. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't come home with you? A: ""Have another beer."" Q: Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? A: Because on the bottom it said ""Taiwan"" (Tie one) Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant? A: She blew them both Q: Why did God invent orgasms? A: So blondes know when to stop screwing. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks. Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? A: They drowned in Spring Training Q: Why were there 6 bullet holes in the blondes mirror? A: She tried to kill her self Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B.L.O.N.D.E. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A: Their Mommies told them never to speak to strangers. Q: Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? A: She was trying to send a voicemail! Q: whats the differance between a blonde and a mosquito? A: When you slap the blonde she keeps on sucking. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. Q: How many dumb blonde jokes are there? A: None there all true... Q. Why are only 2% of blondes touch typists? A. The other 98% are huntin' peckers Q: Why did the blonde eat a dictionary? A: Because she wanted to be smart. Q: How do you know if a Blonde has been using your computer? A: The joystick is still wet. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A: They can't remember the number. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh? A: She wanted a lot of male in her box. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions. The advantage of having a blonde as your girlfriend is that you can park in the handicap zone. Blonde Cop A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ""What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, ""Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, ""Aha! This must be my driver's license"", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, ""You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."" Blonde vs Lawyer There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, ""What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, ""What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, ""What is the answer to your question?"" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. Another Chance One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: ""Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."" The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: ""What is the first month of the year?"" The blonde responded: ""November?"" ""Nope,"" said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, ""Give her another chance, give her another chance."" So the man asked: ""What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"" The blonde responded: ""Paris?"" So the crowd began chanting again: ""Give her another chance, give her another chance."" The man said: ""Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"" The blonde replied: ""Two?"" ""Give her another chance, Give her another chance."" screamed the crowd. The Movies Blonde and boyfriend go to movies. Blonde: Can I have two tickets please? Clerk at movies: For Romeo and Juliet? Blonde: No,for my boyfriend and me. Blind Date A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend. ""After dinner,"" she said, ""he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."" ""That was smart,"" her friend said, approvingly. ""Then what happened?"" ""He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,"" the secretary said. ""You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?"" asked the friend. ""Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."" Slices of Pizza A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. ""Six please"" she said, ""I could never eat twelve!"" Blondes Mailbox A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ""Is something wrong?"" To which she replied, ""There certainly is!"" My stupid computer keeps saying, ""You've got mail!"" Breast Feeding A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, ""Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."" As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, ""Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"" She says, ""Why, officer?"" ""Well, your breast is hanging out."" She looks down and says ""OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"" Car Accident A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. ""My God!"" the trooper gasped. ""Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"" ""Yes, officer, I'm just fine"" the blonde chirped. ""Well, how in the world did this happen?"" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. ""Officer, it was the strangest thing!"" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."" ""Uh, ma'am"", the officer said, cutting her off, ""There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."" Painting The House This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. Death Row Three women are on death row in Utah (death penalty by firing squad) and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, ""Ready.....Aim....."" Suddenly the brunette yells, ""Earthquake!!"" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, ""Ready....Aim...."" The redhead then screams, ""Tornado!"" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, ""Ready....Aim...."" The blonde shouts, ""Fire!"" Dandruff A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says ""Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"" The blonde replies, ""How do you give shoulders?"" Phone Call Once there was a blonde talking to her friend then suddenly the line was cut. She noticed that she can't talk to her friend so she resersitates her phone. Her neighbour saw her resersitating her phone and says 'Why are you resersitating the phone?' The blonde answers back ""Because my phone dropped dead"" Cereal One day, a blonde was watching the news and the news anchor said that a serial killer was on the loose. So, she rushed into her kitchen, grabbed all her cereal and brought it down to the basement and said ""Don't worry, no one can kill you down here!"" Speeding Blonde One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. ""I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"" ""What's a license?"" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. ""It's usually in your wallet,"" replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. ""Now may I see your registration?"" asked the cop. ""Registration..... what's that....?"" asked the blonde. ""It's usually in your glove compartment,"" said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. ""I'll be back in a minute."" said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, ""Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"" ""Yes."" replied the officer ""Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?"" asked the dispatcher. ""Uh... yes."" replied the cop. ""Here's what you do,"" said the dispatcher. ""give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."" ""What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate."" exclaimed the cop. ""Trust me. Just do it."" said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... ""Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"""
273,"2018-04-12 01:37:33","Working Blondes Jokes","Back to: Blonde Jokes One Liners Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards Q: Why do blondes always want boob jobs? A: Because it's the only job they are qualified for. Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ? A: ""'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"" Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. The lady then asked him, ""Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"" ""I'm sorry,"" came the reply. ""But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's."
274,"2018-04-12 01:37:38","You Know You are a Blonde If Jokes","Back to: Blonde Jokes You know you are a blonde if you're pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback. You know you are a blonde if you believe ""Spread Eagle"" is an extinct bird. You know you are a blonde if you think a G-string is part of a violin. You know you are a blonde if you think Anus is the Latin word for yearly. You know you are a blonde if you believe Testicles are found on an octopus. You know you are a blonde if you think an umbilical cord is part of a parachute. You know you are a blond if you believe a diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. You know you are a blond if you're think lesbian is a person from the Middle East. You know you are a blonde if you think Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass. You know you are a blonde if you believe Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. You know you are a blonde if you think Douche is the Italian word for twelve. You know you are a blonde if you think An enema is someone who is not your friend. You know you are a blonde if you believe Menopause is a button on the TIVO remote control. You know you are a blonde if you think the holidays require more glitter You know you are a blonde if you don't know what ""too much pink"" means. You know you are a blonde if you don't have too many clothes, but not enough closets. You know you are a blonde if in every one of your dreams it's raining glitter. You know you are a blonde if your greatest fear is wearing a cute outfit on an insignificant day. You know you are a blonde if Google can't even translate you. You know you are a blonde if you go to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed. You know you are a blonde if you don't see the world in black and white, but in pink and glitter. You know you are a blonde if you think Elle Woods should run for President. You know you are a blonde if you believe Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday. You know you are a blonde if you think Socialism is another word for partying. You know you are a blonde if your a walking punchline. You know you are a blonde if you think about why the walls at Walgreens aren't green. You know you are a blonde if your blood type is glitter. You know you are a blonde if you make Jessica Simpson look like a genius. You know you are a blonde if teachers don't waste time trying to educate you. You know you are a blonde if you win the Nobel Prize for Stupidity. You know you are a blonde if you think Dunkin Donuts is a basketball team. You know you are a blonde if you believe shopping is a calorie burner."
275,"2018-04-12 01:37:43","25 Things a Blonde Says During Sex Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. But whipped cream makes me break out. 5. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 6. I accept Visa? 7. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 8. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend! 9. Hope you're as good- looking when I'm sober... 10. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 11. This would be more fun with a few more people. 12. You're almost as good as my ex! 13. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 14. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 15. No, really... I do this part better myself! 16. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 17. I think you have it on backwards. 18. When is this supposed to feel good? 19. You're good enough to do this for a living! 20. Is that blood on the headboard? 21. Did I remember to take my pill? 22. That leak better be from the waterbed! 23. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 24. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 25. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance."
276,"2018-04-12 01:37:47","Aches and Pains Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. ""Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"""
277,"2018-04-12 01:37:52","Alligator Shoes Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the ""no haggle"" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ""Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"" The shopkeeper said, ""By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, ""Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"""
278,"2018-04-12 01:37:55","Backseat Blonde Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to that citys makeout spot ""Lookout Point"", where things get a little hot 'n' heavy. Then the guy leans over, ""Do you want to go in the backseat?"" ""No."" Unfazed, they continue making out. The guy trys again, ""Do you want to go in the backseat?"" ""No. A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it. Soon, the man figures he can ask again, ""Do you want to go in the backseat?"" ""No."" ""Why not?"" ""Because I want to stay up here with you."""
279,"2018-04-12 01:37:58","Barbie Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 2004 Barbie turned 45 - just in time to greet the 21st century. And they've been 45 full, rich years indeed. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market. In every incarnation,nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what did Mattel think of next to meet the challenge of Barbie turning 40? Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel brought to the table as they considered producing a past 40 Barbie: Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Cook's Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With mini van in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. Mid-life Crisis Barbie: Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so it's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a bed and breakfast. Comes with real tape of ""Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."" Single Mom Barbie: There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke. Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless!"
280,"2018-04-12 01:38:02","Blind Date Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend. ""After dinner,"" she said, ""he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."" ""That was smart,"" her friend said, approvingly. ""Then what happened?"" ""He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,"" the secretary said. ""You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?"" asked the friend. ""Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."""
281,"2018-04-12 01:38:05","Blonde Car Accident Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, ""When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"""
282,"2018-04-12 01:38:06","Blonde Cashier Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes There is a blonde who is starting work at a store. The blonde starts off as a cashier. A customer comes in and says, ""How much is this cookie?"" The blonde says, ""I don't know."" The customer leaves angrily. The manager tells the blonde, ""You have to say, '50 cents.'"" A second customer comes in and says, ""Is this cookie fresh?"" The blonde says, ""I don't know."" The customer leaves angrily and the manager says, ""You have to say, 'Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh as can be.'"" A third customer comes in and says, ""Can I buy this cookie?"" The blonde says, ""I don't know."" The customer leaves angrily and the manager says, ""You have to say, 'If you don't, someone else will.'"" A robber comes in and points a gun at the blonde and says, ""How much is this cookie?"" The blonde says, ""50 cents."" The robber says, ""Are you being fresh with me?"" The blonde says, ""Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh as can be."" The robber says, ""Maybe I should shoot you."" The blonde says, ""If you don't, someone else will."" BANG!"
283,"2018-04-12 01:38:07","Blonde Mom Jokes Popular Pick Blondes on the Road Jokes","Back to: Blonde Jokes Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework! I heard my daughter tell her friend she ate her boyfriend's cock last night. Last time I checked she didn't like chicken for dinner! My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home! My husband is so thoughtful...I overheard him say he gave his secretary a cream pie. My son's black friends always ask me if I can ""make it clap""...of course I can? All I need is two hands. My daughter's boyfriend always checks her for breast cancer...How considerate. My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me. My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick. I put the oregano in my sons room all over my spaghetti and now everything has been so funny for me. My son's friend said he wanted to get ""stoned""...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that? My son sent a text to his girlfriend saying ""Im gonna tear that pussy up"". He's grounded! Animal abuse is NOT tolerated in this household! I think my daughter secretly love's star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed! My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though. My daughter is such a great tutor...Every boy in school is always leaving her room with a big smile on their face. My son always deletes the history on his laptop...He's always thinking of ways to make it run faster! Smart boy. My son's bedroom is filled with beer bottles. I'm so glad he decided to start recycling! I think my son's friend wants to fix up my car...He told me he'd give me the best rim job ever. My son just went out to buy new ""rubbers""... We used to call them ""erasers"" when I was in school. My daughter is always talking about getting the D...She better pull her grades up or she will be grounded. My son said he wants to be a drug dealer...I think he meant pharmacist though! Cute kid. I found used condoms in the trash ... they probably just ran out of water balloons. I heard my son's girlfriend screaming ""Oh God!"" in his bedroom upstairs ... Im so glad he found a good religious girl. My son's friends always talk about how they'd love to run a train with me. I'm not sure why they think I know anything about locomotives. My daughter sent a text to her boyfriend saying that she wants a big cock for her birthday?Why would she want a pet rooster? My son wants to be a pilot he's always talking about getting high. I always hear my son on the phone saying ""Can I hit that?"". I really have to sit down with him and talk about domestic violence. My daughter's Spanish tutor really wants her to pass his class...She's been in her room with him shouting ""Me Gusta!"" all afternoon. My daughter taught me that new dance called ""twerking"". My son's black friends love when I do it for them. My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing. Im so popular ... All the neighborhood boys bought me yoga pants for christmas My sons friends all must have lisps because they always ask me for a glass of Milf. My kids were talking about the Adele song Rolling a Joint and I corrected them. It's Rolling in the deep. I think my daughter wants to be a policewoman when she gets older ... She has a pair of handcuffs under her bed. My daughter must have a Biology project cause I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom. My son's black friend asked me if I could handle his ""long pipe""...I was more than happy to give him my plumber's number. My son got in trouble for telling his teacher he wants a hand job...But why? I think it's wonderful he wants to be more hands on at school. I heard my husband telling his friend that he rammed his secretary. I better check the car insurance to see if they will pay for her car! My daughter and her boyfriend are cute sleeping in the bed together, I wonder what they're dreaming about with all the yelling and movement!"
284,"2018-04-12 01:38:10","Blonde Police Woman Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ""What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, ""Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, ""Aha! This must be my driver's license"", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, ""You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."""
285,"2018-04-12 01:38:15","Blonde Ransom Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. ""I've kidnapped you!"", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, ""I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."" The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ""How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"""
286,"2018-04-12 01:38:19","Boeing 747 Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, ""BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."" She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts ""BE SILENT!"" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, ""OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."""
287,"2018-04-12 01:38:21","Bowling Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, ""What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"" One of the Blondes looks up and says, ""Yeah, but you've got a driver!"""
288,"2018-04-12 01:38:26","Brainy Blonde Jokes","Back to: Blonde Jokes One Liners Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash? A: She got cold and turned off the fan. Q: Why did the blonde have square tits? A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement? A: An IN-body experience!"
289,"2018-04-12 01:38:27","Breast Feeding Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, ""Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."" As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, ""Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"" She says, ""Why, officer?"" ""Well, your breast is hanging out."" She looks down and says ""OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"""
290,"2018-04-12 01:38:28","Breathalyzer Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. ""I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"" ""What's a license?"" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. ""It's usually in your wallet,"" replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. ""Now may I see your registration?"" asked the cop. ""Registration..... what's that....?"" asked the blonde. ""It's usually in your glove compartment,"" said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. ""I'll be back in a minute."" said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, ""Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"" ""Yes."" replied the officer ""Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?"" asked the dispatcher. ""Uh... yes."" replied the cop. ""Here's what you do,"" said the dispatcher. ""give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."" ""What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate."" exclaimed the cop. ""Trust me. Just do it."" said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... ""Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"""
291,"2018-04-12 01:38:32","Breathing Blonde Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head. ""I need to take that walkman off your head,"" says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde. ""You can't! I'll die!"" retorts the blonde. ""I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!"" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed. ""I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"" The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating ""breath in, breath out, breath in""."
292,"2018-04-12 01:38:36","Brunette Smarts Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A brunette who can't stand blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden she sees a magic lamp on the ground. Thinking to herself,""It always works in the movies,"" and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp. A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says,""I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive. Do you understand?"" ""Yes I understand,"" says the brunette, ""and for my first wish, I want you to give my an incredibly handsome man."" ""Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?"" asks the genie. The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her. ""For my second wish,"" saya the pleased brunette, ""I want you to give me 1 million dollars."" ""Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 million dollars?"" said the genie. The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side. Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, ""Lastly - you see that stick over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it."""
293,"2018-04-12 01:38:41","Capital Blonde Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, ""Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."" A friend says, ""OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"" The blonde replies, ""Oh, that's easy: W."""
294,"2018-04-12 01:38:45","Car Trouble Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, ""Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."""
295,"2018-04-12 01:38:53","Castaway Blonde Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says ""since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"" So the brunette goes first, ""I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home"" and POOF she is gone. The the red head makes her wish ""I can't stand this place, I want to go home too"" and poof she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "" my dear what is the matter, ""I wish my friends were here"""
296,"2018-04-12 01:38:55","Cliff Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes There was a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. They find a genie at the end of a cliff. The genie says,"" You have 3 wishes."" The redhead jumped off the cliff and yelled,"" Whale,"" and swam away. The brunette jumped off and yelled,"" Bird,"" and flew away. The blonde jumped off and yelled,"" Crap,"" and she fell into the water and floated away."
297,"2018-04-12 01:38:58","Comfortable Blonde Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde and a brunette (sisters) just inherited a ranch. They thought that the ranch looked a little empty so they wanted to buy a bull, together they had $500 to spend. The brunette fount an ad in the paper that had a healthy bull for sale for $500, so the brunette went to look at him. The brunette decided to buy him. She had to send a telegram to her sister telling her to come with a trailer to get the bull. the telegrams cost $1 per word. The brunette sent the word comfortable. The telegram guy asked ""Why comfortable?"" ""Because my sisters a blonde and she will read it slow and she will think it says come for the bull."""
298,"2018-04-12 01:39:00","Condescending Dummy Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Tennessee. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' Embarrassed now, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''"
299,"2018-04-12 01:39:05","Confessions of a Teenage Blonde Popular Pick Construction Site Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes None of my yoga pants have actually ever been to yoga. My actual New years resolution: look like a Victoria's Secret model. If pink and glitter were vitamins I would be the healthiest person alive If it's pink and if it sparkles, I either already own it or I will. My mind says Victoria's Secret model, but my heart says chocolate, Starbucks, wine. Too much glitter isn't enough glitter. I believe shopping is the best calorie burner Every time I see a brunette I think, ""Bitch please. My straightener is hotter than you."" Pink makes everything pretty. If you don't love pink, you're wrong. I can't wear it Friday night if I've already taken a picture in it. The Holidays require extra glitter. I wish my hair grew as fast as my nails. Whenever I get blood work done, the nurse is always surprised to see glitter in the vial. You can never be too blonde. You only have one life to live; wear the sequins, fall in love, buy the shoes and never worry about what negative people think. My blood type is pink glitter My closet is full of clothes with the tags still on them but I shop anyways. I have this fear of wasting a really cute outfit on an insignificant day. My blonde hair came from God, yours came from a box. I win. It doesn't matter what time I start getting ready. I am always late. Things I liked as a little girl: Pink, dressing up, and glitter. Things I like now: Pink, dressing up, and glitter. My room was clean until I had to figure out what to wear. I don't see the world in black and white, I see it in pink and glitter. Whoever said money can't buy happiness obviously never went to Victorias Secret. I don't know what you mean by ""too much pink"" There should be a Victoria's Secret Fashion Show once a month. My eyelashes always hit the lenses of my sunglasses. Christmas would be perfect if it snows pink glitter! Blonde hair and pink were made for each other I don't have too many clothes, I just don't have enough closets. If it has to rain, can it at least rain glitter? Studies show that women who wear pink go farther in life. I am convinced heaven and Victoria's Secret are the same thing."
300,"2018-04-12 01:39:10","Contractions Joke","Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde husband spoke frantically into the phone: ""My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"" ""Is this her first child?"" the emergency operator asked. ""No, you idiot!"" the blonde shouted. ""This is her husband!"""