joke.id,joke.ts,joke.title,joke.content
1,"2018-04-12 01:20:21","Alligator Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Alligator Short Jokes Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator Q: What's the similarity between a Alligator and Windows? A: Neither of them has enough bytes! Q: How many arms has a alligator got? A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner! Q: Why don't alligators like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: What do you get if you cross a alligator with a flower? A: I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it! Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers? A: It's filled with liti-gators. Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS? A: A Navi-gator. Q: What do alligators call human children? A: Appetizers. Q: Who gives alligators presents on Christmas? A: Santa Jaws! Q: What's worse than one alligator coming to dinner? A: Two alligators coming to dinner Q: What do alligators drink before a race? A: Gator-Ade. Q: Why are alligators comedians so funny? A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth! Q: Why won't alligators attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy! Q: Why shouldn't you shoot an alligator? A: He'll just bite the bullet and make the best of it. Q: What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind? A: A tail-gater. Q: What do yuppie alligators like to drink A: Jaw-va Q: What was the nerd alligators favorite programming language A: Jaw-va Q: What do you call an alligator that makes others fight? A: An Instigator. Q: What is an alligators favorite smell? A: Human blood. Q: What do you get a girl that likes crocodiles? A: All I got her is shoes. Q: What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat? A: a jawbreaker. Q: Did you hear about the crocodile who became a congressman? A: He was an expert dele-gator. Q: Why shouldn't you taunt an alligator? A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end. Q: What do you call a reptile that works on a farm? A: An irri-gator. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a gator? A: One's bark is worst than his bite. An alligator can go through 3,000 teeth in a lifetime. Got infected from an alligator bite, now I have gatoraids. An alligator walks into Sea World and says whale whale whale what have we here. See ya later alligator, getting wild crocodile The news reported that an alligator had been found in the Artic, the locals said they were not surprised because they were expecting a cold snap! Customer: ""Do you have alligator shoes?"" Clerk: ""Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"" Alligator Bar Jokes Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: ""Do you serve lawyers here?"" ""Sure."" ""Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."" Double Dare One day, a very rich man announced in a party that if any person present in the party dares to swim across the swimming pool which has more than twenty crocodiles, he will be awarded with either half of the rich man's property or his beautiful daughter. After a period of silence, the rich man saw a young man splashed into the pool swimming as fast as he can, with all his efforts, saving himself from the crocodiles. And at last, he survived through the pool. Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what do you want, my property or daughter. To this, the man replied, ""Sir, neither I want your property, nor your daughter, I just want the man who threw me in the water."" Army Training At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: ""The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment."" An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off. ""Now who's ready to show their commitment?"" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said ""I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."" Rich Millionaire A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two alligators in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the alligators are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!' Alligator Shoes A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting ""I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own ""croc!,"" to which the shopkeeper replied, ""by all means, just watch out for those two ""ole boys"" who are doing the same!"". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed ""Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"". The Alligator Does Tricks A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, ""You can't bring that animal in here!"" But the guy says, ""Hey, he does tricks. Watch!"" He taps on the crocodile's head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile's mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile's head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, ""I'll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that."" Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, ""I... I think I can do that. But I don't think I can leave my mouth open that long!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of alligators and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the alligators are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
2,"2018-04-12 01:20:26","Alligator Shoes Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting ""I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own ""croc!,"" to which the shopkeeper replied, ""by all means, just watch out for those two ""ole boys"" who are doing the same!"". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed ""Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!""."
3,"2018-04-12 01:20:30","Alpaca Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch. Q: What do you call Alpacas taking over the world? A: The Alpacalypse. Q: What do you call an alpaca with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the alpaca stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the alpaca cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a alpaca go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call it when Alpacas sing? A: Alpacapella. Q: What's more amazing than a talking alpaca? A: A spelling bee! Q: What did they alpaca say to the blade of grass? A: Nice knawing you! Road trip? Alpaca my bags. The Wife A guy brings a Alpaca home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a Alpaca walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Alpacaes mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Alpaca. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Alpaca walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Alpaca."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Alpaca falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Alpaca."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Alpaca sitting next to him. ""Are you a Alpaca?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Alpaca replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
4,"2018-04-12 01:20:32","Animal Football Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. ""I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."" He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0. Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk. ""Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."" The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. ""Did you do this?"" he asked the centipede. ""Yeah, I did."" the centipede replied. The lion retorted, ""Where were you during the first half?"" ""I was putting on my shoes."""
5,"2018-04-12 01:20:34","Animal Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs. Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? A: To the retail store. Q: What kind of dog tells time? A: A watch dog. Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pit bull. Q: Why is a tree like a dog? A: Because they both lose their bark when they die. Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund? A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie. Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops? A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station! Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road? A: To get to the car accident on the other side. Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road? A: To break on through to the other side. Q: Why do birds fly South? A: Because it's too far to walk. Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Because they don't know the words. Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar. Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire? A: He was going to make a long-distance caw. Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest? A: Look at the orange mama laid. Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers? A: No, you should eat your fingers separately. Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break. Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone. Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager. A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either. Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? A: The outside. Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course. Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable. Q: Why did the farmer name his pig ink? A: Because he kept running ot of his pen"
6,"2018-04-12 01:20:38","Ant Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants. What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes? Antteneye! What do you call an and with frogs legs? An antphibian! What do you call an ant that won't go away? Permanant Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? Because he was pissed off. What kind of ants are very learned? Pedants! What do you call an ant who can't speak? A mutant (mute ant). Why did the ant cross the road? Because he needed to buy deodorant! What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? deadant deadant deadant deadant. What do you call a well-dressed ant? Elegant! If three ants are lost in a jungle. Who do u call to find them? The Minister of finance.(find-ants) What do you call an ant who can't play the piano? Discordant! What kind of ant is good at maths? An accountant! Where do ants go for their holidays? Frants! What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant! What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics? All sorts of antics! What do you call an ant in space? Cosmonants & Astronants! What medicine would you give an ill ant? Antibiotics! What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth! What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle? Your great-ant! Who was the most famous ant scientist? Albert Antstein! What games to ants play with elephants? Squash! What do you call an ant who can't find his way back home? Incogniz-ant Why are ants bad at spelling? They only know Conson-ants What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique! What kind of ant can you colour with? A crayant! What do you call an ant who likes to be alone? An independant Who is the most famous French ant? Napoleant! What do you call an ant with lots of bling? Extravag-ant Did you hear about the ant that wasn't allowed in the Catholic Church? He was Protest-ant. Why did the ant-elope? Nobody gnu! What do you call an ant running away with another ant? Antelope. What do ants eat for breakfast? Croiss-ants What do you call an ant that doesn't eat cake? Queen Ant-oinette What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant! Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they are full of antibodies! Where do ants go to eat? At a restaurant! What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant Did you hear about the ant that was good at solving quadratic equations? He was brill-ant. How do you know if an ant is a male or a female. They would call them uncles if they were males. I felt so guilty after I stepped on that ant this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a colony of ants walked up to him carrying the Bible on their backs. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book from the ants, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the ants. ""Your name is written inside the cover."""
7,"2018-04-12 01:20:42","Antelope Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What does a lion call an antelope? A: Fast Food. Q: Why couldn't the wildebeests get married? A: Because they cantelope. (cant elope) Q: What do you call an antelope with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the antelope stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the antelope cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a antelope go ""roarrrr""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What's more amazing than a talking antelope? A: A spelling bee! Q: What did they antelope say to the blade of grass? A: Nice knawing you! The Wife A guy brings a Antelope home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Antelope walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Antelopees mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Antelope. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Antelope walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Antelope."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Antelope falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Antelope."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Antelope sitting next to him. ""Are you a Antelope?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Antelope replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
8,"2018-04-12 01:20:47","Ape Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why did the ape fall out of the tree? A: It was dead. Q: Why don't the apes in the jungle play poker any more? A: There are just too many Cheetahs. What do you call an exploding ape? A baboom. Do Apes kiss? Yes, but never on the first date! What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to Paris? Ape Suzettes! How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!' How do you make an Ape float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla! How does a Gorilla become another animal? When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon! How do you make an Ape laugh? Tell it a whale of a tale! What did the great Ape say as he plummeted from the skyscraper? Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you! What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen, hotshots, don't monkey around with me! If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom, what do you have? A very large bedroom. If you throw a great Ape into one of the Great Lakes, what will it become? Wet! Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A ape with a machine gun. Q: Why are apes so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo! How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper? The elevator was broken! What do you call an ape with a hat and wand? Hairy potter. Q: What do baby apes sleep in? A: Ape-ricots! Q: What's the first thing an ape learns in school? A: The ape b c's! Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky? A: During ape-ril showers. Q: Which sea will make you go ape? A: The chimpan-sea! Q: What is a ape's favorite cookie? A: Chocolate chimp! What does a Ape attorney study? The Law of the jungle! What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl? I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me! What happened when the Ape won the door prize? He didn't take it - he already had a door! What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus? You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves! What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split! When did the Apes start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers! When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree, where did the Ape hiding in the uppermost branches land? Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree! Which author do the Gorillas love most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!' Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush? The Naked Ape! Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by an Ape jumping off a tall building? Fall-adelphia! Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour! Which technique does a Ape borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug! Who is the Apes favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman! Why couldn't the Ape pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite! Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare! Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite! Why did the Gorilla fail English? He had little Ape-titude! Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money? It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you! Q: Why do apes have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers. Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head? A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)! Q: What's a monkey's favourite type of computer? A: an Ape-le mac! Q: What's a monkey's favourite fruit? A: An ape-le! Q: What do apes do when they're mad at each other? A: They have a Gorilla war! Q: Why did the ape go to the doctor? A: Because his banana wasn't peeling very well! Q: What do monkeys read? A: The 'apers Q: What's an apes favourite drink? A: A sas-gorilla. Q: What do monkeys wear when they are cooking? A: Ape-rons! Q: How do apes get down the stairs? A: They slide down the banana-ster! Q: What do apes do when they go mad? A: Go bananas! Q: Where do chimpanzees keep their babies? A: In apricots! Q: What do you call a ape playing quidditch? A: A hairy potter!! Q: What's a ape's favourite pop group? A: Bananarama! Q: What is a ape's favourite toy? A: A Bab-boom-orang! Q: What do you call six green apes? A: A bunch of gr-apes! Q: What sort of key does a ape need to open a banana? A: A monk-key! Q: What did the monkey say to the other monkey that went mad? A: You've gone completely ape! Q: Where do apes like to get their hair cut? A: Vidal Baboon! Q: Why do apes tell such bad stories? A: Because they have no tales! Q: What did the banana say to the ape? A: Nothing, bananas don't talk! How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put an ape in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the ape because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
9,"2018-04-12 01:20:54","Baboon Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a flying primate? A: A hot air baboon! Q: What do you call a naughty monkey? A: A badboon! Q: What do you call an exploding monkey? A: A baBOOM! Q: What is a Baboon's favorite cookie? A: Chocolate chimp! Q: What kind of monkey flies to school? A: A hot air baboon. How did Gertie Baboon win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show! How do you prepare a Baboon sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae! What did George Washington have to do with Baboons? As little as possible, dummy! What do you feed a 600 pound Baboon? Anything it wants! What does a Baboon attorney study? The Law of the jungle! What does a Baboon learn first in school? The Apey-cees! What gives a Baboon good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school! What happens if you cross a parrot with a Baboon? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen! When did the Baboons start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers! Which author do the Baboons love most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!' Which drink makes a Baboon feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour! Which technique does a Baboon borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug! Who is the Baboons' favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman! Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Baboons during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare! Why did the actor fire his Baboon agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite! Why did the female Baboon, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it! Why did the Baboon fail English? He had little Ape-titude! Why do waiters like Baboons better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Baboon in my soup!' Q: Why do Baboons have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers. How do you make a Baboon laugh? Tell it a whale of a tale! How do you make a Baboon float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Baboon! Q: Why don't the Baboons in the jungle play poker any more? A: There are just too many Cheetahs. Q: Why are Baboons so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo! How did a Baboon come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You!' Q: Why do Baboons have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers! Q: Why did the Baboon fall out of the tree? A: It was dead. Q: What do Baboons do when they're mad at each other? A: They have a Gorilla war! Q: Why did the Baboon go to the doctor? A: Because his banana wasn't peeling very well! Q: What should you do if you find a Baboon sitting at your school desk? A: Sit somewhere else! Q: What's a Baboon's favourite drink? A: A sas-gorilla. Q: How do Baboons get down the stairs? A: They slide down the banana-ster! Q: What do Baboons do when they go mad? A: Go bananas! Q: What do you call a Baboon playing quidditch? A: A hairy potter!! Q: What's a Baboons's favourite pop group? A: Bananarama! Q: What is a Baboons's favourite toy? A: A Bab-boom-orang! Q: What sort of key does a Baboon need to open a banana? A: A monk-key! Q: Where do Baboons like to get their hair cut? A: Vidal Baboon! Q: What's a Baboons favourite music band? A: The Gorillaz! Q: What did the banana say to the Baboon? A: Nothing, bananas don't talk! How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a baboon in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the baboon because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
10,"2018-04-12 01:20:59","Baby Bears Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said ""No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."" ""OK,"" said the judge, ""then you want to live with your mother, right?"" ""No way!"" replied baby bear, ""She beats me worse than Papa bear does."" The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. ""Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?"" asked the judge. ""Yes,"" answered baby bear, ""my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."" ""You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?"" asked the judge. ""Oh definitely,"" said baby bear, ""the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."""
11,"2018-04-12 01:21:01","Badger Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call an Badger with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the badger stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the badger cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a badger go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do Honey Badgers drink? A: Mead. Q: Where do Badgers come from? A: Wisconsin. Q: Why did the badger sleep under the car? A: Because he wanted to wake up oily. Q: What do you call a badger that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Husband & Wife A husband and wife are driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says ""Put it between your legs to warm it up"" Wife replies ""But its all wet and it stinks!"" Husband says ""Well hold its nose!"". Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a badger walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the badger's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the badger. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a badger in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my badger."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a badger."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a badger sitting next to him. ""Are you a badger?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The badger replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
12,"2018-04-12 01:21:07","Bat Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's a bats favorite desert? A: I-Scream! Q: How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? A: Every night he turns into a bat. Q: How do you write a book about Bats? A: With a ghostwriter. Q: Did you hear about the two bats meeting? A: It was love at first bite! Q: What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? A: blood-thirsty hacker baby Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A: Because he had bat breath. Q: What did the pitcher tell the bat? A: Batter-up. Q: Where do bats keep their money? A: The blood bank!!! Q: How do bats tell their future? A: They read their horrorscope. Q: What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: What is the first thing that bats learn at school? A: The alphabat. Q: When does a bat go ""mooooo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Who were the original transformers? A: Vampire bats! Q: What's more amazing than a talking bat? A: A spelling bee! Q: What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A: A wheely bat idea. Q: What did the bat say to the diabetic? A: Nice knawing you! Q: What do you call a bat with ebola? A: African batman. Knock Knock Who's there! Bat! Bat who? Bat you'll never guess! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Bat walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Bates mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Bat. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Bat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Bat."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Bat falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Bat."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Bat sitting next to him. ""Are you a Bat?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Bat replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
13,"2018-04-12 01:21:09","Bear Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: How do you catch a fish without a fishing rod? A: With your BEAR hands. Q: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? A: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo Q: Why do polar bears like bald men? A: Because they have a great, white, bear place! Q: What do you call a bears without ears? A: B's Q: What is a bear's favorite drink? A: Koka-Koala! Q: What do you call a wet bear? A: A drizzly bear Q: How do you apologize to a koala? A: BEAR your heart and soul. Q: Why don't bears like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job? A: He would only do the BEAR minimum. Q: What does pooh eat at parties? A: blue bear-y pie. Q: What do polar bears have for lunch? A: Ice burger! Q: What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands? A: Peter Panda. Q: Why did the bear dissolve in water? A: Because it was polar. Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? A: It lives on ice! Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo? A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema! Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: A gummy bear! Q: What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off? A: Bipolar. Q: Why didn't the baby leave his momma? A: Because he couldn't bear it! Q: What do you call a freezing bear? A: A brrrrrrr. Q: How do you start a teddy bear race? A: Ready, teddy, GO! Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled? A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim! Q: Why do pandas like old movies? A: Because they're in black and white. Q: How did the panda lose his dinner? A: He was ""Bamboozled""! Q. What do you get when you cross a bear with a garden? A. Squash! Q: Have you ever hunted bear? A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts! Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A: A bear faced lyre! Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a bear an Apple? A: It didn't bear fruit. Q: What did the teddy bear say after dinner? A: I'm stuffed. Q: Why did the bear cross the road? A: It was the chickens day off! Q: Why do bears have fur coats? A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks! Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? A: A teddy boar! Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin! Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? A: Winnie the PU! Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh Q: What is as big as a bear but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow! Q: What do you call a grizzly bear in a phone booth? A: Stuck! Q: What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend? A: Hunny! Q: What kind of car does Yogi bear drive? A: A Furrari. Q: How do you hire a teddy bear? A: Put him on stilts! Q: What time is it when a bear sits on your bed? A: Time to get a new bed! Q: What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket? A: Just the ""Bear"" necessities. Q: Why did the bear get so scared? A: Because he looked in the mirror Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle? A: A polo bear! I invited a teddy bear round for dinner yesterday. I offered him some food but he said no thanks I'm stuffed yo mama so fat she sat on a bear and turned it into rug A sloth in a tree bears fruit. This arguing is becoming unbearable. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to the national park, the bears hide thier food. The Woods Two guys are walking thru the woods when they see a charging Grizzly Bear. First guy says ""Run for it!"" Second guy says, ""You can't outrun a Grizzly!"" First guy says ""I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU."" Teddy Bears A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ""Well, how was it?"" The woman says, ""You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the bear's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the bear. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet bear walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my bear."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the bear falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a bear."" Goldilocks and the Three Bears Once upon a time their was three bears. They decide to take a walk in the woods as their porridge cools. When they get back they are surprised. Daddy bear said ""Who's been eating my porridge"" Mummy bear said ""Who's been eating my porridge"" Baby bear said ""Never mind about the porridge who's nicked the TV"" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him. ""Are you a bear?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The bear replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby bear in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that bear?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the bear again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that bear to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
14,"2018-04-12 01:21:14","Bee Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why did the bee get married? A: Becase he found his honey Q: What do you call a bears without ears? A: B's Q: What do you call a wasp? A: A wanna-bee! Q: What's a bees favorite novel? A: The Great Gats-bee! Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell? A: A hum dinger! Q: Who is the bees favorite singer? A: Sting! Q: Who is the bees favorite pop group? A: The bee gees! Q: What is a bee's favorite part of a relationship? A: The Honeymoon period. Q: What did the sushi say to the bee? A: Wassabee! Q: What do you call a bee that can't stop eating? A: Chub-bee. Q: What kind of bee is a sore loser? A: a cryba-bee Q: What singer is most popular for the bees? A: Bee-yonce. Q: Who protects the Queen Bee? A: Her Hub-bee. Q: How many bees do you need in a bee choir? A: A humdred! Q. What's the last thing to go through a bees mind when it hits your windshield? A. Its bum. Q: Why did the bee go to the barbershop? A: To get a buzz-cut. Q: What did one bee say to the Queen bee? A: Your so bee-tiful! Will you bee my wife? Q: What do you call a bee born in May? A: A maybe! Q: What kind of bee can't be understood? A: A mumble bee! Q: What does a Wasp say during an Identity Crisis? A: ""TO BEE OR NOT TO BEE"" Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America? A: USB Q: Where do bees keep their money? A: In a honey box! Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee? A: a Greyhound Buzz. Q: What is a bees favorite sport? A: Rug-Bee. Q: What TV station do bees watch? A: Bee bee c one! Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee? A: Neigh buzz Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee? A: Bee-hive yourself! Q: Why did the bees go on strike? A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers! Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk? A: An animal that stinks and stings! Q: How do you fight a killer bee? A: With a Buzz-ooka. Q: What does a queen bee do when she burps? A: Issues a royal pardon! Q: How do you propose to the queen bee? A: With a Ru-Bee ring. Q: Did you hear about the bee that was overweight? A: It had chub-bee legs and a flab-bee stinger. Q: How do you seduce a bee? A: With a succu-buzz. Q: How does a queen bee get around her hive? A: She's throne! Q: What do you call a bee that prefers nectar to pollen? A: Snob-Bee. Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say? A: Ho hum hum! Q: Why do bees hum? A: Because they've forgotten the words! Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things? A: A fumble bee! Q: What did the bee say to the flower? A: Hello honey! Q: What's a bees favorite flower? A: A bee-gonias! Q: What do you call a bee who single handedly defended the colony from a wasp attack? A: Not to shab-bee. Q: What did the confused bee say? A: To bee or not to bee! Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A: A Frisbee. Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport? A: Wait at a buzz stop! Q: What do you give a bee on the first day of class? A: A Sylla-buzz. Q: How does a bee get to class? A: On the school-buzz. Q: What is a bees favorite shape? A: A Rhom-buzz, of course. Q: Why do bees hummm? A: They forget the words to the song. Q: What do you call a bee explorer? A: Christopher Colum-buzz. Q: What do you call a bee you can't share secrets with? A: a blab-bee. Q: What's a bee-line? A: The shortest distance between two buzz-stops! Q: What is a baby bee? A: A little humbug! Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds? A: A humburger! Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea? A: A bee in a submarine! Q: What's more dangerous than being with a fool? A: Fooling with a bee! Q: What kind of animal kills a lot of people? A: Hepatitis Bee. Q: What did the spider say to the bee? A: Your honey or your life! Q: What did the bee say to the other bee when they landed on the same flower? A: Buzz off. Q: Who is a bee's favorite painter? A: Pablo Beecasso! Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer? A: Swarm here isn't it! Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer? A: Bee-thoven! Q: Who writes books for little bees? A: Bee-trix Potter! Q: Where do bees go on holiday? A: Stingapore! Q: What do you call bees buzzing in unison? A: Stingalongs. Q: what does a bee style his hair with? A: a honeycomb Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him? A: He's bee-witched! Q: Why do bees buzz? A: Because they can't whistle! Q: What letter make honey? A: b Q: Can bees fly in the rain? A: Not without their little yellow jackets! Q: Why did the bee started talking poetry? A: He was waxing lyrical! Q: What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend? A: Hunny! Q: What flies in the air and goes zub zub? A: A bee flying backwords. Q: What goes zzub, zzub? A: A bee flying backwards! Q: What are the cleverest bees? A: Spelling bees! Q: What bee is good for your health? A: Vitamin bee! If you want a pet bee, you must be called a wanna-bee. Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bumble bee sitting next to him. ""Are you a bumble bee?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The bumble bee replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
15,"2018-04-12 01:21:18","Bird Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees? A: Birds of prey! Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? A: Tweetie Pie! Q: What do you call a very rude bird? A: A mockingbird! Q: Why couldn't anyone see the bird? A: Because it was in da skies! (disguise) Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up? A: Jail-birds! Q: What kind of math do birds like? A: Owlgebra. Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy: Who? Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot? A: Plant bird seed! Q: How did the bird break into the house? A: With a crow bar. Q: How do blue jays stay fit? A: Wormups. Q: What language do geese speak? A: Porchageese Q: What kind of bird runs the church? A: A cardinal! Q: Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? A: Because he had a very big bill. Q: How do you get a raven to stop calling? A: Take away its cell phone? Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car? A: Don't ask her out again. Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. Q: What do you get when you cross a bird and a lawn mower? A: Shredded tweet. Why does the bird bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. Q: What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird? A: Cherpies Q: What did the maple tree say to the woodpecker? A: Leaf me alone! Q: What does a bird like in his soup? A: Crowtons. Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? A: Because they're both full of stuffing! Q: What bird movie won an Oscar? A: Lord of the Wings. Q: What do you get if you kiss a bird? A: A peck on the cheek! Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek? A: Fowl play! What do birds like about outside? Debris. Q: What do you call a sick eagle? A: Illegal Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down? A: They quack up! Why did the doves miss the wedding? They were under the feather. Q: Why did the owl, owl? A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er! Q: What does a farmer call an escaped bird? A: a loose goose. Q: What is the most uncomfortable of all birds? A: The Wedgie-tailed eagle. Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera? A: The parrots of Penzance! Q: What do you call a bird that kicks your butt? A: Steven Seagull. Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A: A firequaker! Q: What is a parrot's favorite game? A: Hide and Speak! Q: What books did the owl like? A: Hoot-dunits! Q: What kind of bird doesn't need a comb? A: A bald eagle. Q: Where does bird royalty live? A: Duckingham Palace. Q: What kind of bird can carry the most weight? A: The crane Q: What bird can you buy at the grocery store? A: A kiwi Q: What bird is helpful at dinner? A: A swallow! Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated! Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor? A: 'The pheasants are revolting'! Q: What is the definition of Robin? A: A bird who steals! Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment! Q: What's another name for a clever duck? A: A wise quacker! Q: Which bird is always out of breath? A: A puffin! Q: What's got six legs and can fly long distances? A: Three swallows! Q: How many cans does it take to make a bird? A: Two cans. Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show? A: The feather forecast! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A: A bird that will talk you ear off! Q: What do you call a crate of ducks? A: A box of quackers! Q: What is a hawks favorite show? A: Bird ""House of Cards"". Q: How many birds does it take to change a light bulb? A: Toucan do it. Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens? A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl! Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath? A: Robber ducks! Q: What kind of bird opens doors? A: A kiwi! Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster? A: Pearls of Wisdom Q: What language do birds speak? A: Pigeon English! Q: What do you call a duck on drugs? A: a quackhead Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly? A: Send him to polytechnic! Q: Did you hear about the seabird that was friends with a black cat? A: It was an albatross. Q: What did the Eagle say when he was cold? A: Birrrrrd. Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Because they forgot the words! Q: Where do birds invest their money? A: In the stork market! Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment? A: The Birds Eye counter! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker? A: A bird that talks in morse code! Q: What do you get when you cross a country singer with a bird? A: A Nashville warbler. Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawnmower? A: Shredded tweet. Q: If there's 4 birds sitting on a fence and you get a gun and shoot one, how many are left? A: 0 birds are left because the rest fly away. Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea? A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be a bagel. Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A: A headbanger! Q: What do owls sing when it is raining? A: 'Too wet to woo'! Q: What soap do birds use? A: Dove. Q: Why do I make up really bad bird jokes? A: Just be-caws. Q: What do baby swans dance to? A: Cygnet-ure-tunes! Q: At Christmas, who brings presents and toys to all good little bird girls and boys? A: Santa Caws! Q: Why do birds fly south? A: Because it is to far to walk Q: What is Sarah Palins favorite bird? A: The artic loon. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. If someone could convince Justin Bieber to drive Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan off of a cliff, we could kill two birds with one stoner. Birds of a feather flock together.....that is why you are not my friend. Two birds walked into a bar, the third one ducked. You want to make bird puns?.....Toucan play that game. Hi, I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? They say the early bird catches the worm, but girl you can show up at any time and still get a bite... Knock, knock. Who's there? Who. Who who? Oh, I didn't know there was an owl in here! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a goose walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the goose's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the goose. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like an Eagle sitting next to him. ""Are you a eagle?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The eagle replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Beautiful Blonde A guy is in a bar having a quiet drink by himself when a young beautiful blonde lady walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink. The guy turns and says to her ""Have you ever had a BUDGIE sit on your right shoulder?"" Blonde says ""NO!"" Guy says ""Have you ever had a PARROT sit on your left shoulder?"" Blonde says ""NO!"" Guy then says, ""Aah but I bet you've had a Cock,or,too (cockatoo) in your Mouth."""
16,"2018-04-12 01:21:24","Buffalo Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college? A: ""Bison!"" Q: How can you tell if a buffalo is under your sleeping bag? A: The ceiling of your tent is very close. Q: What do you find between the hooves of buffaloes? A: Slow buffalo hunters. Q: What did the grape say when the buffalo stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: What do you get when you cross peanut butter with a buffalo? A: You either get peanut butter that roams the range or a buffalo that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Q: How can you tell a buffalo from a field mouse? A: Try to pick it up. If you can't, it's either a buffalo or a very overweight mouse. Q: What time is it when a buffalo sits in your canoe? A: Time to get a new canoe. Q: How do you make sense out of a water buffalo? A: With buffalo nickels. Q: What has 2 tails, 3 horns and 6 feet? A: A water buffalo with spare parts! Q: Why did the buffalo cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: What do you call an buffalo at the North Pole? A: Lost! Q: What's brown but turns red? A: An embarrassed buffalo! Q: What the difference between a Buffalo and Bison? A: You can't wash your hands in a buffalo! Q: What is as big as a buffalo but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow! Q: What kind of car does a buffalo drive? A: A Furrari. Q: What do you call a single buffalo? A: A buffalonely Q: What is the Native Americans name for buffalo that can fly? A: Buffalo Wild Wings Q: What do you call a buffalo in a phone booth? A: Stuck! Q: What animal is always the designated driver? A: The water buffalo. Q: What happens when 2 single buffalo meet up, fall in love and run away to get married? A: they buffalope Q: What time is it when a buffalo sits on your bed? A: Time to get a new bed! Q: How do you know when there is an buffalo under your bed? A: When your nose touches the ceiling! Q: What do you call an buffalo with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful buffalo? A: Milk of Amnesia Q: What do you call a buffalo that doesn't give milk? A: A MILK DUD! Q: How do you make a milkshake? A: Give a buffalo a pogo stick. Buffalo Theory A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a buffalo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the buffalo's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the buffalo. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet buffalo walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my buffalo."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the buffalo falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a buffalo."" Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger and tonto were riding through the prarie when all of a sudden tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground, The Lone Ranger says ""What are you doing tonto?"" Tonto says "" kemosabbie, buffalo come"" The Lone Ranger then says, ""how can you tell?"" Tonto replies "" ear sticky"" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a buffalo sitting next to him. ""Are you a buffalo?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The buffalo replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby buffalo in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that buffalo?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the buffalo again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that buffalo to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
17,"2018-04-12 01:21:29","Bug Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: How do bees brush their hair? A: With a honey comb! Q: ""Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"" A: ""I think it's doing the backstroke!"" Q: How do bees get to school? A: On the school buzz! Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? A: They got married in the spring Q: How do fireflies start a race? A: Ready, Set, Glow! Q: Where do most ants live? A: In Antlantic City! Q: When do spiders go on their honeymoon? A: After their 'webbing' day! Q: How do fleas travel? A: They itch-hike! What do you call a bug that can't have too much sugar? A: a diabeetle Q: Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance? A: Because it was a moth ball! Q: What did one flea say to another? A: ""Should we walk or take the dog?"" Q: What do you call the animated movie about a pet bug? A: The Secret Life of Pests. Q: What did one girl firefly say to the other? A: You glow girl! Q: What do moths study in school? A: Mothematics! Q: What do you do with a sick wasp? A: Take it to a waspital! Q: What is worse than finding half a worm in your apple? A: Spitting the other half out Q: What did the sushi say to the bee? A: Wassabee! Q: What do ants use to smell good? A: Deodor-ant! Q: What do you call a bug that jumps over cups? A: A glasshopper! Q: What was the spider doing on the computer? A: Searching the web! Q: What do you call a bug with four wheels and a trunk? A: A Volkswagen Beetle! Q: What do you call a wasp? A: A wanna-bee! Q: What do fireflies eat? A: Light snacks! Q: Why did the boy throw butter out the window? A: To see butter fly. Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit? A: Bugs Bunny! Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs! Q: What is a caterpillar scared of? A: A dogerpillar! Q: What is a mosquito's favorite sport? A: Skin diving! Q: What kind of bugs live in clocks? A: Ticks! Q: What kind of petroleum do snails use? A: Shell! Q: What's a caterpillar's favorite weapon? A: A caterpolt! Q: How do caterpillars order the lastest fashions? A: Caterloges Q: Why don't vampires like mosquitoes? A: Too much competition! Q: Where's the best place to buy bugs? A: A flea market! Q: What so you call a snail on a ship? A: a Snailer Q: What is a bugs favorite sport? A: Cricket. Q: Why don't people like bed bugs? A: Because they get under their skin. Q: What do you call a retired boy band that like animals? A: The Beatles! Q: What do you call a beetle that can dance? A: A jitterbug. Q: Why did the bug cross the road? A: Cause he wanted to see the ""Lady bugs"" Q: How did the police get rid of the bugs? A: They called the S.W.A.T. team! Q: What did the psychiatrist say to the flower? A: ""So what's bugging you?"" Q: Why was the grocery store out of butter? A: Because Butter flies. Q: What kind of bug can't go into the men's bathroom? A: A ladybug. Q: What do you call a homeless bug? A: A bum-blebee. Q: Why was the fly looking for the garbage can? A: Because he was a litterbug. Q: How did the spider destroy the (worldwide) web? A: It gave it a bug. Q: Which is the strongest animal, snail or elephant. A: Snail because ir carries it home on its back If cockroaches can survive a nuclear blast.... What the hell is in Raid? What do you call a cricket that takes pictures? A shutterbug. What kind of car does a bug drive? A VW Beetle. My pet tarantula escaped and everybody started bugging out. I felt so guilty after I stepped on that spider this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a group of grasshoppers walked up to him carrying the Bible on their backs. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book off the grasshoppers backs, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the grasshoppers. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Snail A man hears a knock at his door he answers the door and when he looks at the floor he finds a snail. The man says what the heck and he picks up the snail and throws it. 15 years later he hears a knock at his door he answers the door and the snail is back and says ""What was that for?"" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a snail in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him. ""Are you a grasshopper?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The grasshopper replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
18,"2018-04-12 01:21:32","Bunny Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Short Bunny Jokes Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? A: A receding hare line. Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot? A: Its been nice gnawing you. Q: What do you call a dumb bunny? A: A hare brain. Q: How many hairs in a rabbit's tail? A: None, they're all on the outside. Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken? A: The first Rabbit to lay and egg. Q: What's the difference between a healthy bunny and an odd bunny? A: One is a fit bunny, and the other's a bit funny! Q: What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? A: The police had to comb the area. Q: What do you call a bunny transformer? A: Hop-timus Prime Q: Who do you call when a rabbit needs a hair cut? A. The Hare Dresser. Q: What did the vet say after the rabbit died? A: Hare today, gone tomorrow. Q: How do you get letter to a bunny? A: Hare mail. Q: The more he takes away the bigger it becomes. What is it? A: A rabbit hole. Q: How is a rabbit like a Q-tip? A: They both have cotton tails. Q: Did you hear about the rich bunny? A: He was a millionhare! Q: Why did the bunny like the adventure? A: It was a ""hare-raising tail"" Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent? A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money. Q: What would you call a rabbit who is mad at the sun? A: A hot cross bunny. Q: What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit? A: A bunny ribbit. Q: What do you call a happy bunny? A: An Hop-timist. Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee? A: A honey bunny. Q: How is a rabbit like a cornstalk? A: They both have big ears. Q: Why is a leaky faucet like a cowardly bunny? A: Because it runs. Q: Why is a rabbit like a cent? A: Because it has a head on one end and a tail on the other. Q: What do you call a bunny who tells jokes? A: A funny bunny! Q: Whats a bunnys favorite place to hang out? A: Ihop! Q: How are bunnies like calculators? A: They can multiply real fast! Q: What is a bunny's favorite dance? A: The bunny hop! Q: What kind of books do bunnies read? A: The ones with hoppy endings! Q: What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him? A: A 13-carrot ring! Q: Do bunnies use combs? A: No, they use hare brushes! Q: Why did the little girl wash her bunny? A: Because her hare was dirty! Q: Why did the bunnies go on strike? A: They wanted a raise in celery! Q: Where do Easter bunnies go to dance? A: To the Basket ball! Q: How do bunnies get from one vegetable garden to another? A: They take a taxi cabbage! Q: What do you call a bunny that has fleas? A: Bugs Bunny! Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Did you ever see a bunny with glasses?! Q: What kind of music does a bunny listen to? A: Hip Hop! Q: Why are bunnies so smart? A: Because they know how to multiply! Q: How do bunnies keep their fur neat? A: They use a harebrush! Q: Why is a bunny's nose always so shiny? A: Because his powder puff is at the wrong end! Q: What do you call a bunny in a kilt? A: Hopscotch. Q: What do you call a holiday that bunnies go when when they first get married? A: Bunnymoon! Q: Which bunnies were famous bank robbers? A: Bunny and Clyde! Q: What kind of cars do bunnies drive? A: Hop rods! Q: What do bunnies sing at birthday parties? A: Hoppy birthday to you! Q: What did the carrot say to the bunny rabbit? A: Do you want to grab a bite? Q: What did the bunnies say when the farmer caught them kissing in the garden? A: Lettuce alone! Q: What do you call a bunny with oodles of money? A: A billion-hare! Q: What do you call two bunnies racing down the road? A: The fast and the furriest. Q: What game do little bunnies like to play? A: Hopscotch! Q: Why did the bunny get so mad? A: She was having a bad hare day! Q: How do you catch a unique bunny? A: Unique up on it! Q: how do you catch a tame bunny? A: Tame way, unique up on it! Why does the bunny bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. My parents accused me of being a liar, i looked them in the face and said, ""tooth fairy, Santa, Easter bunny"" and walked away like a boss. Baby, my love for you is like the Energizer bunny; it just keeps going and going The only truly rich bunny is the one who realizes he has enough carrots. Bunny Bar Jokes Energizer Bunny Dies By Eaton Beaver Associated Press Writer - April 15, 2010 8:18 am EST The Energizer Bunny, known best for, ""going and going and going..."" passed away last evening at 12:39am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,... Foul play has not been ruled out."
19,"2018-04-12 01:21:36","Bunny and the Bear Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. ""I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female."" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. ""I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!"" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, ""You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!"" Then he asked for his last wish. ""I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!"" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, ""I wish the bear was gay."""
20,"2018-04-12 01:21:38","Camel Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Camel Short Jokes Q: Why are camels called ships of the desert? A: Because they are filled with Arab semen! Q: What do you call a camel without a hump? A: Humphrey (Hump-free). Q: Did you hear about the camel who was accused of stock fraud? A: He took part in a hump and dump scheme. Q: Why did the Taliban school alternate Sex Education classes with Drivers Ed.? A: They only had one camel. Q. What do you call a Taliban who owns six camels? A. A pimp! Q: How do you have sex with a camel? A: One hump at a time. Q: What do camels use to hide themselves? A: Camelflauge! Q. What weekday is a Camel always looking forward to? A. Wednesday (Hump Day) Q: What do you call 144 camels in a box? A: Gross! Q: What is a camels favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpty Dumpty Do you like Camels cause we can go hump back at my place. Camel Bar Jokes General In the Foreign Legion This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: ""What in God's name do you use that for?"", he asks. The corporal replies ""Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and then, they become, shall we say, horny...."" ""Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on"" About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he'd get up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal. ""Bring me to the camel"" says he. The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool, takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal. ""Well"", he says, ""is that the way you men do it around here?"" ""Er...no, sir"", replies the corporal, ""We normally just use the camel to ride to the nearest brothel."" Elephant & Camel The elephant asked the camel: ""Why do you have your breasts on your back?"" The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: ""What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."" Middle of the Sahara Desert A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. ""Well sister, this looks pretty grim."" ""I know, father."" ""In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."" ""I agree."" ""Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"" ""Anything father."" ""I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."" ""Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."" The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. ""Sister would you mind if I touched them?"" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. ""Father, could I ask something of you?"" ""Yes sister?"" ""I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"" ""I supposed that would be OK,"" the priest replied lifting his robe. ""Oh father, may I touch it?"" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. ""Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."" ""Is that true father?"" ""Yes it is, sister."" ""Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."" Englishman, Irishman, & Scotsman An englishman an irishman and a scotsman were in the sweltering desert walking around looking desperatly for something to eat and drink, when, as if out of nowhere, a camel appeared. The englishman caught the camel and spluttered I support ""Liverpool, so I suppose I better eat the liver."" The scotsman immediately shouted, ""Well I support Hearts so I'll eat the heart."" And then the rather mentally challenged irishman said, ""I support Arsenal, but I don't feel hungry any more."""
21,"2018-04-12 01:21:39","Car Accident Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, ""What were the people doing on the bus?"" The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, ""Yeah, but what else were they doing?"". The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, ""Oh! They were drinking, huh??!"" The chief continues, ""Okay, were they doing anything else?"" The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, ""If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"" The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel."
22,"2018-04-12 01:21:45","Caterpillar Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day? Turns over a new leaf! What does a cat go to sleep on? A caterpillow! What's green and dangerous? A caterpillar with a machine gun! What pillar doesn't need holding up? A caterpillar! What is the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat! What has stripes and pulls a tractor? A caterpillar tractor! Where do French caterpillars go to die? In the Catercombs. What did the caterpillar say to the sapling? Where's the leaf. How do caterpillars order the lastest fashions? Caterloges What's a caterpillar's favorite weapon? A caterpolt! What's colorful and sails the open seas? A catermaran. Where did Bill Cosby order his sweaters? in Caterloges I felt so guilty after I stepped on that caterpillar this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a colorful caterpillar sitting next to him. ""Are you a caterpillar?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The caterpillar replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
23,"2018-04-12 01:21:50","Cat Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning herself? A. She's smoking a cigarette. Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog? A: A terrified postman! Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: a meowntain Q: When is a lion not a lion? A: When he turns into his cage! Q: Why don't cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alogue. Q: What did the cat on the smart phone say? A: Can you hear meow? Q: Why are cats so good at video games? A: Because they have nine lives! Q: What do you call a flying cat? A: I'm-paws-sible. Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I'm paw! Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? A: She had a litter of mittens. Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister? A: An aunt-eater! Q: Who are cats going to vote for in November? A: Hillary Kitten. Q: Why shouldn't you kidnap the kitten, Keanu? A: Because curiousity killed the cat burglar. Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? A: Kitty Perry Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left? A: None, because they were copycats! Hell yeah I'm a catholic i've been addicted to cats my whole life Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon? A: A car-pet Q: What do tigers wear in bed? A: Stripey pyjamas! Q: Why did the cat wear a dress? A: She was feline fine. Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? A: The purrpatrator. Q: How do you get a wet pussy? A: Put it in the shower. Q: Why did the cat put the letter ""M"" into the fridge? A: Because it turns ""ice"" into ""mice""! Q: What is smarter than a talking cat? A: A spelling bee! Q: Why was the cat sitting on the computer? A: To keep an eye on the mouse! Q: What is the most breathless thing on television? A: The Pink Panter Show! Q: What did the cat say when he lost his toys? A: You got to be kitten me. Q: What is a cat's favorite color? A: Purrrple! Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo? A: A stripey jumper! Q: Why did the cat sleep under the car? A: Because he wanted to wake up oily. Q: What do you get if you cross a chick with an alley cat? A: A peeping tom. Q: What did the alien say to the cat? A: Take me to your litter. Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A: A sourpuss! Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army? A: They both wear stripes! Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A: A stripey sweater! Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas? A: Because he has sandy claws! Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? A: 'Pleased to eat you.'! Q: Do you want to hear a bad cat joke? A: Just kitten. Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman? A: Frostbite! Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding? A: Chocolate mousse! Q: What looks like half a cat? A: The other half! Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? A: 'Claws.' Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger? A: A stri-ped! Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A: A stripey sweater! Q: What do you call a cat that wears make up? A: Glamourpuss. Q: What do cats like to read? A: Cat-alogues! Q. What kind of sports car does a cat drive? A. A Furrari. Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? A: 'Pleased to eat you.'! Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman? A: Frostbite! Q: What do you get when you take a Kitty Kat to the tailor? A: Bad Blood. Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants? A: Purrr-suasive. Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck? A: a duck-filled platy puss. Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.' Q: What is a lion's favorite food? A: Baked beings! Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian? A: He felt funny! Q: What's striped and bouncy? A: A tiger on a pogo stick! Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show? A: The evening mews! Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free? A: Smack a lion! Q: What is a cat's favorite dance move? A: The Purr-colator. Q: Why was the cat scared of the tree? A: Because of its bark. Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? A: Evaporated milk. Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxi cabs! Q: How is cat food sold? A: Usually purr can! Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A: A tiger moth! Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? A: 'Let us prey.' Q: What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A: A catastrophe! Q: Who was the most powerful cat in China? A: Chairman Miaow! Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A: A cat-a-logue! Q: What do you call a cat race? A: A meowathon. Q: Why did the cat get pulled over by the police? A: Because it ""littered"" Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? A: An octopuss! Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross? A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit! Q: When the cat's away.....? A: The house smells better! Q: What is a cats favorite vegetable? A: As-purr-agus. Q: Did you know that cats designed the great pyramids of Giza? A: It was all drawn out on paw-pyrus. Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! Q: Did you hear about the passenger who had to be escorted off the airplane? A: She let the cat out of the bag. Q: Why are cats so good at video games? A: Because they have nine lives! Q: What's a cat's favorite button on the tv remote? A: Paws Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog? A: She was purr-plexed. Q: What do cats like to eat on sunny days? A: Mice cream cones! Q: What do you call a cat that doesn't use the litter box? A: A pet project. Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? A: Santa Claws! Q: What kind of car does a fat cat drive? A: a Catillac! Q: Why was the cat so small? A: Because it only ate condensed milk! Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder? A: A purr-ate! Q: What do you call a cat that smells good? A: prrrr-fume. Q: Did you hear about the cat who wanted to learn how to bark? A: Curiousity killed the cat. Q: How do the Vietnamese like their soup? A: Purrrrrfect. Q: What is a cats favorite kitchen tool? A: The ""whisker"". Q: What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? A: An eskimew! Q: What is a cats favorite book? A: The prince and the paw-purr. Q: What did the cat say to the dog? A: Check meow-t! Q: What do you call a cat on ice? A: One cool cat. Cat: ""You're not real!"" Nyan Cat: ""At least I have a sparkly rainbow butt."" Q: What is a cats favorite musical instrument? A: Purr-cussion. Q: What do you call a cat that can address the media? A: a Press Kit. Q: What do cats wear at night? A: paw-jamas! Q: What is a felines favorite day of the week? A: Caturday. Q: What time is it when ten cats chase a mouse? A: Ten After One. Q: What do you call a cat that does tricks? A: A magic kit. Q: What do you call a painting of a cat? A: A paw-trait Q: What do you call a cat when it is huge? A: A MEOW-SIVE CAT Q: What do you call a cat that can't stop licking itself? A: Purrr-verted. Q: What do you call a cat that can put together furniture from Ikea? A: an Assembly kit. Q: Why did the cat go to the river? A: Claws it wanted to. Q: What's grumpy cat's favourite ride at Dreamworld in Australia? A: The Paw! Q: What's the first thing you say to a cat? A: HELLO KITTY! Q: What do you need to get a fast cat to use the litter box? A: Quicksand. Q: What was the special offer at the pet store this week? A: Buy 1 Cat get 1 Flea! Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on its tail? A: Me-ow! Q: What part of a cat has more fur? A: The outside. Q: How do you make cats furry? A: The spin cycle. Q: Did you hear about the cat that climbed the Himilayas? A: She was a sher-paw. Q: Why did the cat cross the road? A: It was the chicken's day off! Q: Where does a cat go when he looses his tail? A: The retail store! Q: What do you call a cat that can rough the great outdoors? A: A survival kit. Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claws! Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), ""I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"" My kitten was having trouble watching her Blu-Ray. Turns out she just had the movie on paws. yo cat is so fat when it tried to chase the lazer pointer it made a earth quake. I think I have OCD.....Obessive Cat Disorder. I got rid of my boyfriend. The cat was allergic. Don't tell me a funny cat joke or I'll puma pants. Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect. Cats are like potato chips. You can never have just one. Since my cat is getting old, I'm gonna start calling him GranPAW. Knock Knock Who's there? Cat! Cat who? ""Cat me outside, how bout dat"" My boyfriend came over, saw my litter box, and smugly said, ""Oh, have you got a cat?"" He wasn't so smug when I told him, ""No, it's for company!"" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cat sitting next to him. ""Are you a cat?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The cat replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" Old Cat Lady It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: ""Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."" The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. ""Wait!"" she said. ""Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: ""First"", she said, ""I want to be very, very wealthy."" Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: ""Next"", she said, ""I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."" Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. ""Third"", she said to the fairy, ""I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: ""Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"" Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats 1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. Dingo One day a lady took a dingo to the veterinarian. The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head. ""I'm sorry your dingo is dead"" said the doctor. ""How could you be so sure"" the lady said. So the man left the room and come back with a labrodore retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat. The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead. With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. ""$400, why $400?"". The doctor replied ""If you had've believed me first it would of been $60"". ""But why still"" the lady insists. To which the doctor says ""Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"""
24,"2018-04-12 01:21:54","Centipede Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? A walkie talkie! What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken? Enough drumsticks to feed an army! Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? He took too long to put his boots on! What is worse than an alligator with toothache? A centipede with athlete's foot! What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A centipede with chilblains! What has 50 legs but cant walk? Half a centipede! What do you call a guard with 100 legs? A sentrypede! What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg! How tall is the worlds largest centipede? A centi-meter. Did you hear about the two Centipedes in love? They would complete each others centinces. What do you get when you cross an animal rights activist and a centipede? A centient being. Why was the centipede late? Because he was playing ?This Little Piggy' with his friends! I felt so guilty after I stepped on that centipede this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Rare Centipede A guy goes hiking and finds a rare poisonous centipede. Wanting to show his drinking buddies he puts it in a small ventilated box. Once he gets it home, the guy decides to take the centipede to his local bar. He taps on the box and says, ""Would you like to go to Charley's with me and have a beer?"" There's no answer from the centipede. He waits a few moments then says, ""How about you and me going to a bar?"" Again, there's no answer. Thinking the centipede can't hear him, the man goes right up to the box and yells, ""Hey! Would you like to go to Charley's and have a drink?!"" A little voice comes out of the box, ""I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a centipede sitting next to him. ""Are you a centipede?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The centipede replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Football A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, Where were you during the first half? He replied ""Putting on my shoes!"""
25,"2018-04-12 01:21:56","Cheetah Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why can't you play cards in the African Savvana? A: Because of all the CHEETAHS! Q: What is Tiger Woods now changing his name to? A: ""LION Cheetah!"" Q: If Tiger Woods is not really a Tiger then what is he? A: A CHEETAH! Q: Why didn't the leapord cross the road? A: He didn't want to get spotted. Q: Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? A: THE OUTSIDE! Q: What animal is bad to sit by when you're takingg a test? A: A cheetah. Q: What's a cheetah running a copy machine called? A: A copycat! Q: Did you hear about the fat cat that lost everything trying to count cards at the casino? A: Cheetahs never prosper. Q: Where does a cheetah sleep? A: Anywhere he wants to! Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog? A: A terrified postman. Q: What do you get when you cross a cheetah and a snowman? A: Frost-bite! Q: What do you get if you cross a cheetah and a sheep? A: A polka dot sweater. Q: What's spotted and goes round and round? A: A cheetah in a revolving door. Q: Why can't leopards escape from the zoo? A: They always get spotted. Q: What does the cheetah say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? A: 'Let us prey.' Q: What do you get if you cross a cheetah with a watchdog ? A: A terrified postman ! Q: What's the difference between a cheetah and a lion ? A: A cheetah has the mane part missing Q: Why isn't there gambling in africa. A: because there are to many cheetahs. Q: What is cheetah's favorite food ? A: Baked beings ! Q: On which day do cheetah eat people ? A: Chewsday ! Q: Why don't cheetahs like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: Why do cheetahs always eat raw meat? A: Because they don't know how to cook. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cheetah walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cheetah's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the cheetah. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of cheetahs. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with cheetahs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of cheetahs, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these cheetahs to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet cheetah walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my cheetah."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the cheetah falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a cheetah."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cheetah sitting next to him. ""Are you a cheetah?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The cheetah replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a cheetah in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the cheetah because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
26,"2018-04-12 01:21:59","Chicken Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken! Q: Why did the chicken go to KFC? A: He wanted to see a chicken strip. Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To cockadoodle dooo something! Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter? A: She was no spring chicken. Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most? A: Fry-day! Q: How did the headless chicken cross the road? A: in a KFC bucket. Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? A: It eggs-plodes! Q: What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? A: CHICKEN CAESER SALAD (CHICKEN SEES A SALAD) Q: Why did the piece of gum cross the road? A: Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot. Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother? A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be! Q: Whats the difference between meat and chicken? A: If you beat your chicken it dies. Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? A: ""You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"" Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again? A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser! Q: What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? A: She kicked the bucket! Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A: A brick layer! Q: Why did the chicken go to KFC? A: To see his brother! Q: What kind of chicken grows on a tree? A: Poultry. Q: Why did the cactus cross the road? A: It was stuck to the chicken! Q: Why did half a chicken cross the road? A: To get to its other side! Q: How did the chicken wake up? A: It had an alarm cluck. Q: Why did the chicken join a band? A: Because it already had drumsticks. Q: How do you get a fat chick into bed? A: Piece of Cake. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: He was a double-crosser! Q: What do you call a crazy chicken? A: A cuckoo cluck! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because there were chicks on the other side. Q: What do chickens study in school? A: Eggonomics. Q: What do you call a smelly coward? A: A funky chicken! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because it is an independent female flightless bird. Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road? A: Because it was stuck to chickens bum. Q: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way? A: She was tickled to death! Q: Why don't chickens like people? A: They beat eggs! Q: Why did the rooster run away? A: He was chicken! Q: What do chickens grow on? A: Eggplants! Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A: He heard the referee calling fowls Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk? A: Because talk is cheep! Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: a 10 foot cock that wants to touch someone. Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A: A bird that lays down! Q: Why did the chicken go to Burger King? A: To see a chicken strip. Q: What happens when a hen eats gunpowder? A: She lays hand gren-eggs! Q: Why did the chicken cross the ""net""? A: It wanted to get to the other site! Q: What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day? A: Hendurance. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: So he wouldn't get bocked in traffic. Q: Why did McDonald's run out of chicken McNuggets? A: The farmer counted his chickens before they hatched. Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? A: An alarm cluck! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way? A: He wanted to lay it on the line! Q: If the Rooster layed an Egg on a roof, witch way would the egg roll? A: Nowhere because roosters don't lay egg. Q: What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? A: They go on peck-nics! Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover? A: The Cluck o'the Irish! Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties? A: Coop-cakes! Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? A: An eggroll! Q: How do chickens bake a cake? A: From scratch! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road roll in mud and cross the road again? A: Because he was a dirty double crosser Q: What did the sick chicken say? A: ""I have the people-pox!"" Q: How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend? A: In a HEN-velope! Q: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg? A: The bombshell! Q: What does an alarm cluck say? A: ""Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!"" Q: What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison? A: A Hensemble. Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road? A: Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He wanted to get to the chicken strip club. Q: How does a rooster kiss his girlfriend? A: With his pecker. Q: Why don't chickens wear pants? A: There peckers on their face. Q: What do you call someone who steals chicken? A: A Chicken Pot Pirate. Q: There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. how many didn't? A: 10! 30 cows and 20 cows 8 chickens!!! get it? Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? A: Because he couldnt get his cock out of the chicken. Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road? A: Because they were chicken Q: What do you call a bird that's afraid to fly? A: Chicken. Q: Why did the chicken stand in the middle of the road? A: Coz he wanted to play squash! I hope one day chickens will be able to cross the road without being judged on their motives. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. A chicken was going to America, his friend was asked where he was going. He said ""I don't know where he is going, but I do know he is not going to Kentucky."" 30 cows on a farm. 28 chicken how many didn't? 2 because 20 ate chicken. Girl, if you were a chicken you'd be impeccable. Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long as this been going on? Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house. Knock Knock Who's there? THE CHICKEN Person1: Guess what? Person2: What? Person1: Chicken Butt Person1: Guess Who? Person2: Who? Person1: Chicken Poo Person1: Guess how? Person2: How? Person1: Chicken Cow. Moral Of The Story A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ""I think I can stand over the hole!"" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, ""Grab for my penis and pull yourself up."" And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a chicken walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the chicken's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the chicken. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet chicken walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my chicken."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the chicken falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a chicken."" Henrietta Why did the chicken cross the road? Here's the story.Henrietta was a chicken one day she heard the farmer saying ""If this chicken does not lay eggs we will have to kill her."" When Henrietta heard this she crossed the road and went to the farmers market bought a carton of eggs and raced across the road back to the farm. Every day she will do this.That is why the chicken crossed the road. Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a chicken sitting next to him. ""Are you a chicken?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The chicken replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" The Library One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching ""bouk bouk."" The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching ""bouk bouk."" The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching ""bouk bouk"" But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking ""red-it red-it"""
27,"2018-04-12 01:21:59","Chimp Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What is a monkey's favorite cookie? A: Chocolate chimp! Who is the Chimps favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman! Why did the Chimpanzee fail English? He had little Ape-titude! Q: What is a chimp's favourite Christmas carol? A: Jungle Bells! Q: What did the orangutan say to the chimp? A: Ginger's the new black! Q: What is sweet smelling, but cheeky? A: A chim-pansy!! Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree? A: Let the chimps fall where they may. Q: Did you hear about the awful jungle party? A: Somebody forgot to bring the chimps and dip. Q: Where do chimpanzees keep their babies? A: In apricots! Q: What do you call a Chimpanzee that works in a bar? A: A Monkey Wench. Q: What do you call a chimp playing quidditch? A: A hairy potter!! Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A Chimp off the old block. Q: What did the male chimp say to the female chimp? A: I go bananas over you! Q: Which day do cheeky chimps like best? A: Ape-ril fools day! Q: What's a chimp's favourite type of computer? A: an Ape-le mac! Q: What do chimps do when they're mad at each other? A: They have a Gorilla war! Q: What's a Chimp's favourite month? A: Ape-ril! Q: Why did the chimp go to the doctor? A: Because his banana wasn't peeling very well! Q: What do chimps read? A: The 'apers Q: What's a chimp's favourite drink? A: A sas-gorilla. Q: Why didn't anyone listen to the zookeepers complaints? A: Because he had a chimp on his shoulder. Q: What do you call a fat chimp? A: A chunky monkey. Q: How do you catch a squirel chimp? A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut! Q: What do chimps wear when they are cooking? A: Ape-rons! Q: How do chimps get down the stairs? A: They slide down the banana-ster! Q: What do chimps do when they go mad? A: Go bananas! Q: What's a chimp's favourite pop group? A: Bananarama! Q: What is a chimps's favourite toy? A: A Bab-boom-orang! Q: What sort of key does a chimp need to open a banana? A: A monk-key! Q: What did the chimp say to the other monkey that went crazy? A: You've gone completely ape! Q: What do you call a monkey that succeeds at every sport? A: A chimpion! Q: Where do chimps like to get their hair cut? A: Vidal Baboon! Q: What's a chimpanzee's favourite music band? A: The Gorillaz! Q: What does a zookeeper need when a lion escapes its habitat? A: A bargaining chimp. Q: What did the banana say to the chimp? A: Nothing, bananas don't talk! Q: What happens when monkeys overrun a casino? A: You cash in your chimps. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a chimpanzee walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the chimpanzee's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the chimpanzee. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet chimpanzee walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my chimpanzee."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the chimpanzee falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a chimpanzee."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a chimpanzee sitting next to him. ""Are you a chimpanzee?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The chimpanzee replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a chimpanzee in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that chimpanzee?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the chimpanzee again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that chimpanzee to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
28,"2018-04-12 01:22:01","Chipmunk Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Two Men Hunting Two men went hunting. One had been an avid hunter; hunting all his life, the other man was a city boy; hunting for the first time. The avid hunter told city boy to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. ""I thought I told you to be quiet!"" he said. ""I was when the snake bit me,"" the man said. ""And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed."" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of chipmunks. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with chipmunks in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of chipmunks, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these chipmunks to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a chipmunk in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" The Rat and the Chipmunk A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, ""If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"" The Barkeep says ""Depends on how good of a trick it is."" The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, ""If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"" The barkeep says ""If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night.""The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the chipmunk."" Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, ""I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."" The drunks says ""not for sale"". The agent says, ""Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat.""The drunk say, ""deal"" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, ""Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"" The Drunk says, ""Relax, the chipmunk is a ventriloquist"" Q: Why do chipmunks swim on there back? A: To keep their nuts dry! Q: Why did the chipmunk cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: Why was the chipmunk late for work? A: Traffic was NUTS. Q: How many chipmunks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Actually, none because chipmunks only change bulbs that are NUT broken. Q: Why does it take more than one chipmunk to screw in a lightbulb? A: Because they're so darn stupid! Q: Why can't you be friends with a chipmunk? A: They drive everyone nuts. Q: Why do Chip N Dale sit on their butts all day? A: To keep their nuts dry! Q: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips? A: A chipmunk. Q: What do you call a chubby chipmunk? A: Theodorable. Q: Why did the chipmunk sleep under the car? A: Because he wanted to wake up oily. Q: Why shouldn't you rape a tree? A: There might be a chipmunk in there looking for nuts. Q: Why don't chipmunks wear skinny jeans? A: Because their nuts won't fit. Q: How does Alvin the Chipmunk like to drive a car? A: Fast and Furry-ous. Q: Why did the chipmunk take apart the classic car? A: To get down to the nuts and bolts. Q: Why couldn't the chipmunk eat the macadamia nut? A: It was one tough nut to crack. Q: Why shouldn't you let Alvin drive a boat? A: He's likely to get Chipwrecked. Q: What do you call 144 chipmunks in a box? A: Gross! Q: How do you catch a carpenter chipmunk (definition: a chipmunk that likes power tools)? A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood. Q: How do you catch a chipmunk interested in ornithology? A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis). Q: How do you catch a Polynesian chipmunk? A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut. Q: How can you catch a gay chipmunk? A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits). Q: How do you catch a chipmunk with a Pamela Anderson fixation? A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut. Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined chipmunk? A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut. Q: How do you catch a chipmunk for the holidays? A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg. Q: How do you catch an Irish chipmunk? A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut. Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut. Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like nutty. Q: What do you call a man named Alvin who has monkeys that stole your potato chips? A: Alvin and the Chipmunks. Q: How do you catch a rich chipmunk? A: Climb a tree and act like a cashew. Psychologist: What brings you here today? Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat.....Nuts. Nothing makes me more Santa-mental then taking the kids to see an Alving and the Chipmunks movie."
29,"2018-04-12 01:22:06","Cork In Pig Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes One day, three scientists decided to conduct an experiment that nobody had ever tried before. They decided to leave a cork up a Pigs ass for 3 weeks and at the end of the three weeks they would take the cork out and see what happened. Well, they noticed that after 1 week the pigs legs had turned blue, after 2 weeks its head turned blue and finally, after 3 weeks the entire pigs body had turned blue. So one scientist said to another ""i think it is time to remove the cork"" Well, those scientists set up a room so that the pig was at one end of the room, and the scientists were in a line behind it, like so: Pig Scientist Scientist Scientist And they got a monkey to take the cork out. well, as you can imagine, when the hapless monkey took the cork out of the pigs ass, shit went everywhere. The scientist at the back of the room was up to his knees in it, the scientist in the middle of the room was up to his chest, and they couldn't find the last scientist, so after searching around, they finally found him, and found him laughing hysterically. ""What is wrong with you?"" one scientist asked. ""You have just been buried alive in pig shit and you are LAUGHING!?"" The Third Scientist replied, between his laughter, ""You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!"""
30,"2018-04-12 01:22:10","Cougar Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's a cougar running a copy machine called? A: A copycat! Q: Why did the cougar cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: Where does a cougar sleep? A: Anywhere he wants to! Q: What do you get when you cross a cougar and a snowman? A: Frost-bite! Q: What does the cougar say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? A: 'Let us prey.' Q: What do you get if you cross a cougar with a watchdog ? A: A terrified postman ! Q: What's the difference between a cougar and a lion ? A: A cougar has the mane part missing Q: What is cougar's favorite food ? A: Baked beings ! Q: On which day do cougar eat people ? A: Chewsday ! Q: Why don't cougars like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: Why do cougars always eat raw meat? A: Because they don't know how to cook. I saw a cougar and I puma pants! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cougar walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cougar's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the cougar. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of cougars. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with cougars in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of cougars, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these cougars to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet cougar walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my cougar."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the cougar falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a cougar."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cougar sitting next to him. ""Are you a cougar?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The cougar replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a cougar in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the cougar because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
31,"2018-04-12 01:22:15","Cow Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Cow Bar Jokes Riding The Train A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. ""What a cute bunch of cows!"" she remarked. ""Not a bunch, herd"", her friend replied. ""Heard of what?"" ""Herd of cows."" ""Of course I've heard of cows."" ""No, a cow herd."" ""What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"" Emergency Room A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. ""Well, it was like this"" said the man. ""I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake."" ""What did you do?"", asked the doctor. ""Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, ""Hey! This looks like yours!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the cow. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Two Cows in a field Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, ""Moooooo!"" ""Hey"", the other cow replies.... ""I was just about to say the same thing!"" Cow Riddle My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course. She's been grazing in the field too long,... And now she thinks she's a horse. Cow Short Jokes Q: Why don't cows have any money? A: Because farmers milk them dry Q: What did mama cow say to baby cow? A: It's pasture bedtime. Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and an upset cow? A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood. Q: Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon? A: The farmer had cold hands. Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? A: Beef strokin' off. Q: What do you call it when a mad cow gets loose? A: Udder destruction! Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: To get to the udder side. Q: What do you call a cow you can't see? A: Camooflauged. Q: How easy is it to milk a cow? A: It's a piece of steak. Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter. Q: What do cows do while skiing? A: Moo-Guls! Q: How do you make a milkshake? A: Give a cow a pogo stick. Q: What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? A: Bullogna Q: What does a cow put on his french toast? A: Moooolasses. Q: What do you call an evil cow? A: De-mooooon. Q: Why was the cow so scared? A: Because he was a cow-ard. Q: What did the cow say to the cow tipping rednecks? A: Don't moooove a muscle. What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er. Q: Where do cows go for lunch? A: The calf-eteria. Q: What do you call a cow that can cut the grass? A: Mulan. Q: What do you call animal drinking with Justin Timberlake? A: TEA COW! Q: There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. how many didn't? A: 10! 30 cows and 20 cows 8 chickens!!! get it? Q: Which job is a cow most suited for? A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly. Q: ""Where did the cows go last night""? A: ""To the mooon"" Q: Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? A: On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back. Q: What do you call a cow with an assistant? A: Moooooving up in the world. Q: Why can't a cow become a detective? A: They refuse to go on Steakouts! Q: How does a cow get to the mooooon? A: It flies through udder space! Q: What happens when you talk to a cow? A: It goes in one ear and out the udder! Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock. Q: What is a cows favorite colour? A: Maroooooooon. Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? A: Peanut butter. Q: What do u call a really strong cow? A: Beefy. Q: What do you get when you walk under a cow? A: A pat on the head. Q: How does lady gaga like her steak? A: Raw raw raw raw raw. Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: Cause it didnt want Lady Gaga to make a meat dress out of him. Q: What are a cows favorite subjects in school? A: Moosic, psycowolgy, cowculus Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A: Milk and Quackers! Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence A: Udder-Catastrophe Q: Where do you find the most cows? A: Moo-York Q: What do cows get when they are sick? A: Hay Fever Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs? A: Because the cow has the udder. Q: What do you call a sad cow? A: Mooooved to tears. Q: Did you hear that Chuck Norris is a matador? A: He takes the bull by the horns. Q: Where did the bull lose all his money? A: At the Cowsino. Q: What did the cow say to the lousy renter? A: Moooooooooo your self out of here. Q: How can you tell which cow is the best dancer? A: Wait til one busts a moooooove. Q: Did you hear about the blonde that died with a bow and arrow in her hand? A: She hit the bull's eye. Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Their horns don't work. Q: What are the spots on black and white cows? A: Holstains Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? A: Milk of Amnesia Q: What Is A Cows Favorite Type Of Math? A: Moo-tiplication Q: Have you ever heard the term ""When Pigs Fly!""...... A: Well what if it were ""When Cows Fly!"" Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out? A: To the moo-vies! Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky Q: What were the cows doing under the tree? A: Talking about the latest moos. Q: What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed? A: Bull-dozin' Q: What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning? A: ""It's just an udder day"" Q: How does a farmer count a herd of cows? A: With a Cowculator Q: Where do Russians get their milk? A: From Mos-cows Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow? A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest! Q: What's a cow's favorite moosical note? A: Beef-flat Q: What did the cow say to the turtle? A: Get a moove on. Q: What do you call a cow that's afraid of the dark? A: A coward. Q: Why are cows so soft? A: Because they are made out of leather. Q: What do cows wear in Hawaii? A: Moo- moos Q: How does one cow talk to another? A: Cow-munication. Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf? A: Decalfenated Q: Did you hear about the cow that wasn't interested in bulls? A: She was an Ho-Moo-Sexual. Q: Where do cows get their weapons? A: Ar-moooo-ries. Q: Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck? A: Because her horn didn't work Q: Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit? A: They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World! Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A: A MILK DUD! Q: What did the cow say when a person played the piano? A: That's good moooooosic. Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A: An udder failure. Q: What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? A: Ground Beef Q: Where do cows get together? A: The meet market. Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A: a lawn moo-er. Q: What do you call a cow with full armor? A: Sir loin Q: What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A: A steak-out! Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all? A: Ground beef Q: What band is a cow favorite? A: Moody Blues Q: What do you call a grumpy cow? A: Moo-dy Q: Why did cow jump over the moon? A: Because he wanted to skydive Q: Why is the barn so noisy? A: Because all of the cows have horns. Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains? A: In the cow-boose. Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores? A: Mooooney. Q: What did one dairy cow say to another? A: Got milk? Q: How to you know that cows will be in heaven? A: It's a place of udder delight. Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow into pasture. Q: Why is a barn so noisy? A: All the cows have horns. Q: What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow? A: Blue cheese! Q: What did the secret agent cow say to the other cow? A: Are you udder cover? Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He's got no beef. Q: What animals do you bring to bed? A: Your calves. Q: What happened to the lost cattle? A: Nobody's herd. Q: Where does a cow stop to drink? A: The milky way! Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a lawnmower? A: A lawnmooer. Q: What is a cows favorite holiday? Answer: Moomorial day Q: How do you stop a bull from charging? A: Take away his credit card! Q: Why don't you tell a cow a secret? A: Because it goes in one ear and out the udder! Q: What does an invisible man drink? A: Evaporated milk! Why does the cow bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. Q: What newspaper do cows read? A: The Daily Moos. Q: What do you find a gallery of cows? A: The mooseum. Q: What is a cows favorite year? A: Moo thousand seventeen. Q: What do you call I half a cow? A: a calf. Q: What was the first animal in space? A: The cow that jumped over the moon! Q: What is it when one cow spies on another cow? A: A steak out. Q: What do you call a magic cow? A: Moodini Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard? A: It Cowlapses! Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull? A: A car only has one horn. Q: What do you get when you give pasta to a cow? A: Beefaroni. Q: What did one cow say to the other? A: Mooooooove over! Q: Did you hear the song about Mad Cow disease? A: It's insane in the methane, insane in the brain. Q: What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom? A: A cow walking backwards! Q: What do you call an arab next to a cow? A: Milk Sheikh! Q: Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation? A: A moo-tel! Q: Why was the cow sad? A: She was moody. Did you know that cows love Marvin Gaye? Yeah, I herd it through the bovine. Q: What do cows read in the mornings? A: The moospaper. Q: What did the farmer say to the cow? A: Produce some milk What did Gladdis the cow say to Brenda the cow when her boyfriend the Bull cheated on her? How Dairy! 30 cows on a farm. 28 chicken how many didn't? 2 because 20 ate chicken. Why do cows have long faces? Because you would have a long face too, if your tits were gettin pulled twice a day Are you the head of your gang when it rains because you keep each udder dry A husband and wife cows are mad at each other so the husband says to his wife, ""You udder hear me out"" If you didn't like that cow joke don't worry, I've got udders."
32,"2018-04-12 01:22:20","Cris Cross Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk? Winnie the phew! What do you get when you cross a parrot & a centipede? A walkie-talkie! What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel? Lumpy milkshakes What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog? A 6 foot toothbrush. What do you get when you cross a baby goat with a hedgehog? A stuck-up kid What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie-talkie What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? Great big holes all over Australia. What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot! What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night! What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet! What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-logue! What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss! What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom! What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws! What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom! What do you get if cross a Termite with a Dinosaur? Dino-mite! What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Cow? A Turtle-Neck Jersey What do you get if cross a Turkey with a Octopus? Enough Drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving What do you get if cross a Food Processor with a Word Processor? Minced Words What do you get when you cross oatmeal & ducks? Quacker oatmeal! What do you get when you cross a wolf and an egg? A very hairy omelette! What do you get when you cross a bank with a skunk? Dollars and scents! What do you get when you cross a Mustang and an elephant? A convertible with a big trunk! What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four leaf clover? A rash of good luck! What do you get when you cross a cheetah & a hamburger? Fast Food! What do you get when you cross a T-Rex with a dog? Something that drinks out of any toilet it wants to! What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee Bah-Humbug What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a computer? A hairy reasoner. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a lion? I don't know, but when it speaks you better listen. Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost and a couple of bees? A: boobies What do you get if you cross a daffodil with a crocodile? I don't know but I wouldn't try sniffing it! What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine? Ten feet of barbed wire. What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockapoodledoo! What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes! What do you get when you cross the worlds best fairy tale teller and the worlds worst mammal A Whale of a Tale What do you get when you cross a blue cat and a red parrot? A purple carrot! Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark ? A: A bird that talks your ear off! Q: What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake ? A: A sing-a-long! What do you get if you cross a kangaroo & a sheep? A wooly jumper! Q: What do you get when you cross a cat, a dog, and an A+? A: Paws-itively purrr-fect! Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A: A brick layer! What do you get when you cross a bat and a bell? A dingbat! What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a bunch of daisies? Collie flowers. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elephino! What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad? Star Warts! What do you get when you cross a strawberry with a road? A traffic jam! What do you get when you cross a lizard and a baby? A creepy crawler!"
33,"2018-04-12 01:22:23","Crocodile Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Crocodile Short Jokes Q: What do you call an crocodile in a vest? A: An investigator. Q: What's the similarity between a Crocodile and Windows? A: Neither of them has enough bytes! Q: How many arms has a crocodile got? A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner! Q: What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower? A: I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it! Q: Why don't crocodiles like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers? A: It's filled with liti-gators. Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS? A: A Navi-gator. Q: What do crocodiles call human children? A: Appetizers. Q: Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas? A: Santa Jaws! Q: What's worse than one crocodile coming to dinner? A: Two crocodiles coming to dinner Q: What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog? A: A croak-odile. Q: Why shouldn't you shoot a crocodile? A: He'll just bite the bullet and make the best of it. Q: Why are crocodiles comedians so funny? A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth! Q: What is a crocodile's favorite drink? A: Gator-ade. Q: What do you get a girl that likes crocodiles? A: All I got her is shoes. Q: What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl? A: An Alley-Gator! Q: What's the difference between a dog and a crocodile? A: One's bark is worst than his bite. Q: What do crocodiles drink before a race? A: Gator-Ade. Q: Why won't crocodiles attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy! Q: What do you get when you cross a crocodile and a rooster? A: A croc-a-doodle-doo. Q: Why shouldn't you taunt a crocodile? A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end. Q: What do yuppie crocodiles like to drink A: Jaw-va Q: What was the nerd crocodiles favorite programming language A: Jaw-va Q: What do you call a crocodile that makes others fight? A: An Instigator. Q: What is an crocodiles favorite smell? A: Human blood. Q: Did you hear about the crocodile who became a congressman? A: He was an expert dele-gator. Q: What do you call a reptile that works on a farm? A: An irri-gator. The news reported that a crocodile had been found in the Artic, the locals said they were not surprised because they were expecting a cold snap! Crocodile Bar Jokes Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: ""Do you serve lawyers here?"" ""Sure."" ""Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile."" Army Training At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: ""The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment."" An crocodile came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off. ""Now who's ready to show their commitment?"" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said ""I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."" Double Dare One day, a very rich man announced in a party that if any person present in the party dares to swim across the swimming pool which has more than twenty alligators, he will be awarded with either half of the rich man's property or his beautiful daughter. After a period of silence, the rich man saw a young man splashed into the pool swimming as fast as he can, with all his efforts, saving himself from the alligators. And at last, he survived through the pool. Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what do you want, my property or daughter. To this, the man replied, ""Sir, neither I want your property, nor your daughter, I just want the man who threw me in the water."" Rich Millionaire A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!' Crocodile Shoes A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Crocodile shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting ""I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own ""croc!,"" to which the shopkeeper replied, ""by all means, just watch out for those two ""ole boys"" who are doing the same!"". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an crocodile moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed ""Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"". The Crocodile Does Tricks A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, ""You can't bring that animal in here!"" But the guy says, ""Hey, he does tricks. Watch!"" He taps on the crocodile's head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile's mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile's head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, ""I'll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that."" Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, ""I... I think I can do that. But I don't think I can leave my mouth open that long!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
34,"2018-04-12 01:22:26","Deadfish Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, ""Whatcha doing, Tim?"" ""My goldfish died,"" replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. ""And I've just buried him."" The neighbor was concerned. ""That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, ""That's because he's inside your cat."""
35,"2018-04-12 01:22:29","Deer Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Deer Bar Jokes Two Hunters Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. ""Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."" After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, ""You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"" ""Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck,"" the other added. Wife Goes Hunting It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks her, ""What are you up to?"" Mary smiles, ""I'm going hunting with you!"" John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: ""If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."" John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming, ""Get away from my deer!"" Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, ""Get away from my deer!"" followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, ""Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!""' Two Lawyers Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first lawyer announced, ""Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey."" The second lawyer responded,""Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day."" Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns. They were still arguing when the train hit them. Deer Meat A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.. Deer Short Jokes What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. Q: How do you save a deer during hunting season? A: You hang on for deer life. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: I have no I-Deer Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: Still no eye-deer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? A: Still no fucking eye-deer. Q: What did the doe say to the 24 point buck? A: Boy your Horny! Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo. Q: Why did the hunter miss his mark? A: He was not aiming deerectly for it. Q: What do you call four female deer? A: FO REAL DOE Q: What did the female Deer say to her Mate when he wanted a Three-way? A: It Might be a Buck more, but I wouldn't buy that for a dollar. Q: Who did Bambi invite to his birthday party? A: His nearest and deer-est friends. Q: What's the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut? A: One is a dollar fifty and the other is just under a buck. Q: What do deers call hunters? A: Doe foes. Q: What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail? A: One that stays off the Highway! Q: Whats the cheapist kind of meat? A: Deer balls there under a buck! A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill."
36,"2018-04-12 01:22:33","Dinosaur Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent Q: What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? A: Tyrannasaurus wreck! Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A: a thesaurus. Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur? A: adoyouthinkhesaurus. Q: What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? A: Baby Dinosaurs. Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex? Q: What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? A: Dino-sore. Q: What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? A: Try Sara's Tops Q: Why are dinosaurs no longer around? A: Because their eggs stink. Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes? A: dino-sewer. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? A: The chicken hadn't evolved yet! Q: Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A: A Stegosaur-rust Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? A: Jurassic Pork! Q: What is a dinosaurs least favorite raindeer? A: Comet. Q: Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? A: Anywhere he wants to. Q: What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A: A Bronto-snorus. Q: Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? A: Because they can't afford new ones! Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet. Q: What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A: A.brocileasoarus Q: What do you call a dinosaurs fart? A: ""A blast form the past"" Q: Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? A: Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus. Q: What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? A: Dino- score! Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? A: Bronto-swore-us. Q: Which dinosaur slept all day ? A: The dino-snore! Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? A. Sir. Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? A. Anything you like, he won't hear you! Q. What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? A. Enormous holes in the base boards. Q. How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? A. By the `D' on his pajamas. Q. How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? A. By the dinosnores. Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? A: Try and try and try and try-ceratops Q: How do you upset a dinosaur? A: Touchasaurus Spot. Q: What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A: A flat Tire-annosaurus ! Q: What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? A: Tomato-saurus Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks ! Q: What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A: A dino-saw ! Q: What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? A: Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex Q: What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? A: Doyouthinkhesawus Q: What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A: A trisara-cop. Q: Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? A: At the dino-shore Q: What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks ! Q: What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? A: Tyrannosaurus tex! Q: Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? A: Cause they don't know how to cook Q: What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? A: OUT of the way!! Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks! Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day! Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet. Q: What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A: A Model T-Rex. Q: What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A: A Dinosaucer Q: Which dinosaur is pure evil? A: Daemonosaurus. Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? A: Down in the mouth! Q: What's green and purple and goes up and down? A: Barney in an elevator. Q: What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks. Q: What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? A: Eye-saur. Q: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? A: Rep Tiles Q: What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? A: Ptera Don Q: What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? A: Find somewhere else to sleep! Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs! Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you. Q: Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? A: Because she had no guts! Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex. Q: What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? A: Dino-mite. Q: What was the most flexible dinosaur? A: Tyrannosaurus Flex. Q: Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? A: Because she was a plant eater! Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? A: Because he is a meat eater! Q: What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? A: Dino-sore! Q: What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? A: uthinkhesawrus Q: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? A: Because they wouldn't take a bath ! Q: What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? A: Two dinosaurs ! Q: What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears ? A: Anything you want, it can't hear you! Q: What does a Triceratops sit on? A: Its Tricera-bottom. Q: What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A: A Bronco-saurus ! Q: What was the scariest prehistoric animal? A: The Terror-dactyl ! Q: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A: A Stegosaurus on roller skates! Q: What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A: A Tricera-hops! Q: What family does Maiasaur belong to? A: I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one! Q: What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A: A flat Tire-annosaurus ! Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks ! Q: What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A: A Stegosau-rust ! Q: What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A: A spelling bee ! Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? A: Try-Try-Try-ceratops ! Q: What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A: A dino-saw ! Q: Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A: A dino-sewer ! Q: Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? A: Tricera-cops ! Q: What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? A: Rep. Tile! Q: Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? A: To the dino-shore ! Q: Where did Velociraptor buy things? A: At a dino-store! Q: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A: A Diplodocus with a sore throat! Q: How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? A: One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore! Q: How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? A: The door won't close! Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? A: My-feet-are-saurus Q: How do you make a dinosaur float? A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur ! Q: When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? A: When it's not raining! Q: Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? A: Any kind! A house cannot jump! Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich! Q: What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? A: Cheer him up! Q: What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? A: Dino-mite. Q: Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? A: Because no one ever tells them anything! Q: What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? A: Anything she wants! Q: What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? A: The strawberry is red! Q: Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? A: So she could hide in the strawberry patch! Q: What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? A: Strawberry jam ! Q: What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? A: Find somewhere else to sleep! Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs ! Q: What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? A: More than the dinosaur ! Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? A: Down in the mouth ! Q: How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? A: As fur as you can get! Q: Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? A: Because they don't know how to cook ! Q: What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? A: Baby dinosaurs! Q: Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? A: In the dark! Q: Did the dinosaur take a bath ? A: Why, is there one missing? Q: Why does a brontosaurus have a long neck? A: Because it's feet smell. Q: What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A: A toothbrush. Q: What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? A: The letter ""s""! Q: Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? A: At the dead-letter office! Q: What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? A: Her shadow! Q: What's green and hangs from trees? A: Dinosaur snot. Q: What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? A: Out of the way! Q: What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? A: Long distance! Q: What dinosaur is always sad? A: Cryalotosaurus Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? A: Hello, hello! Q: Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? A: That depends on how fast you carry it! Q: What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A: A dino-mite Q: What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A: A Snore-a-sorus Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus"
37,"2018-04-12 01:22:41","Dogfight Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A man walks into a bar one day and asks, ""Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"" ""Yeah, I do!"" a biker says, standing up. ""What about it?"" ""Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."" ""What are you talkin' about?!"" the biker says, disbelievingly. ""How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"" ""Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"""
38,"2018-04-12 01:22:42","Dog Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? A: Terrier-fied! Q: Why did the dog cross the road? A: To get to the ""barking"" lot! Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have? A: A bloodhound! Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A: He stole the show! Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone? A: A golden receiver! Q: What does my dog and my phone have in common? A: They both have collar I.D. Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? A: Dingo Starr! Q: What do you call a dog magician? A: A labracadabrador. Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee? A: a Greyhound Buzz. Q: Why wouldn't the dog sit on his chair? A: Because he left his sheet[shit] on there. Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates? A: Aware wolf. Q: Why did the dog need help on his Pros and Cons chart? A: He was CON-fused! Q: What do you call a frozen dog? A: A pupsicle. Q: What did the skeleton say to the puppy? A: bonappetite Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator? A: A friend you can count on. Q: Did you hear about the dog who couldn't stop talking like a horse? A: It was a dog and pony show. Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly? A: The collie wobbles! Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog? A: A dusky husky! Q: What do you call a cold dog? A: A Chilli Dog. Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale. Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog? A: A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road! Q: When does a dog go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? A: Because you can't bury them in trees! Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? A: He was trying to make both ends meet! Q: What kind of dog chases anything red? A: A Bulldog. Q: What state do dogs like? A: New Yorkie. Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! Q: What is a dogs favorite instrument? A: A trombone. Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A: A collie-flower! Q: What's a dog's ideal job? A: Barkeology Q: Why do dogs wag their tails? A: ""Because no one else will do it for them!"" Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot? A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw! Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Q: What is the dogs favorite city? A: New Yorkie! Q: What do you call a dog that goes to the bathroom indoors? A: A pet project. Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian? A: Growlcho Marx! Q: What do dogs and story tellers have in common? A: They both have tails! Q: What kind of dog likes taking a bath? A: a shampoodle! Q: What happens when a dog chases a cat into a geysur? A: It starts raining cats and dogs. Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? A: ""Well, doggone!"" Q: How can if you have a stupid dog? A: It chases parked cars! Q: What is a dog's favorite sport? A: Formula 1 drooling! Q: What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk? A: A Great Dane out! Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter.... he's not going to come anyway. Q: What dog can jump higher than a tree? A: Any dog can jump higher than a tree, trees cant jump. Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema? A: Anywhere it wants to! Q: What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy? A: ""I must throw that doggie out the window!"" Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers? A: Because his boots were at the menders! Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick? A: Because he cant make a fist Q: Why does the dog bring toilet paper to the party? A: Because he is a party pooper. Q: What is a dog's favorite food? A: Anything that is on your plate! Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat? A: A hot dog! Q: What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it? A: A sausage dog! Q: What did the cat say to the dog? A: Check meow-t! Q: What do you do if your dog eats your pen? A: Use a pencil instead! Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah? A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them! Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs? A: You can step in a poodle! Q: What do you call a dog that licks an electrical socket? A: Sparky. Q: Where did the dog fall asleep? A: In the barking lot. Q: What do you call a dog that swallows a ball? A: Ballshit. Q: What's a dogs favorite kind of pizza? A: Pupperoni. Q: What time is it when ten dogs chase a cat? A: Ten After One. Q: What do you call a dog with a Rolex? A: A watch dog. Q: Why was the cat scared of the tree? A: Because of its bark. Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A: A petticoat! Q: What do you call a dog with a fever? A: A hot dog. Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs? A: Right where you left him. Q: What happens when you name your dog after Tiger Woods? A: You give a dog a bad name. Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion? A: A terrified postman! Q: Why can't dogs work the DVD remote? A: Because they always it the Paws button! Q: What did the dog say to the sandpaper? A: Ruff. Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic? A: His bark was much worse than it's bite! Q: What do you tell the guy who says he has a bulldog and shih tzu mix? A: Bullshit Q: Why wasn't the dog a smooth talker? A: Because all he ever said was ""Rough, Rough"" Q: What do you call a dog with a surround sound system? A: a Sub-woofer. Q: What do dogs eat for breakfast? A: Pooched eggs. Q: What is a dogs favorite flower? A: Anything in your garden! Q: What dog wears contact lenses? A: A cock-eyed spaniel! Q: What's more amazing than a talking dog? A: A Spelling Bee. Q: Why do all dogs go to Heaven? A: Because Michael Vick is in Hell. Q: What kind of dress shoe does Michael Vick wear? A: Hush Puppies! Q: What's a dog favorite hobby? A: Collecting fleas! Q: What did the dog say to the tree? A: Bark Q: How does a dog stop a video? A: By pressing the paws button. Q: Why did the dog sleep under the car? A: Because he wanted to wake up oily. Q: What is the fastest dog in the world? A: A Labraghini. Q: Where do you put barking dogs? A: In a barking lot. Q: What was the special offer at the pet store this week? A: Buy 1 Dog get 1 Flea! Q: Where do dogs go after their tails fall off? A: The re-tail store. Q: What did the dog say to the flea? A: Stop bugging me! Q: What do you call a dog that can use the toilet? A: A ""poo-dle"" Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny? A: a chili dog on a bun! Q: Why did the dog stay in the shade? A: Because he did not want to turn into a hot dog. Q: Why did the dog bury himself in the back yard? A: Cause you can't grow a tree without bark. Q: What do you do when your dog goes missing in the forest? A: Put your ear to a tree and listen for the bark. Q: What do you do when the UPS man apologizes for smashing your stuff? A: You call off the dogs. Q: What do you call a cross between a matador and a cute little puppy dog? A: ""A cocker Spaniard."" Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal? A: That hit the spots! Q: Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog? A: It was a shih tzu Q: Have you read the book Raising Dogs? A: No? you should it's a pup-up book. Q: What do you call a boy named Charlie walking his dog to the park? A: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!! Q: Why did the dog cross the road twice? A: He was trying to fetch a boomerang! Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena? A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs! Q: What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster? A: Cockerpoodledoo! Q: What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories? A: A shaggy dogs tale! I asked my dog what's that thing on top of the house? And the he said ""Roof Roof"". What did the tree say to the dog? Tree: Do you like bark? Dog: What do you think? I bark every day of my life. Of course I do Apparently animals make different sounds according to different Languages. For example, in China a Dog makes a Sizzling noise. Would you like to buy a male dog or female dog? B**ch please. Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home! I have a dog named TAX and when I open the door; INCOME TAX. A little japanese breed dog bit a man and the owner got the shitzued out of him! A three legged dog walks in the bar and says - ""I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw"" Yo Momma is so ugly, her dog closes its eyes when it humps her leg. One dog was a great classical music composer...Johan Sebastian BARK! I went to a zoo yesterday it was rubbish as it only had 1 dog, so I went to ask for my money back as this was a shitzoo. Diplomacy is the art of saying ""good doggie"" while looking for a bigger stick. My puppy isn't fat, he's just a little husky. Draw eyebrows on your dog and laugh until he gets a bath. I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal. It was a shitzu. A girl is walking on the road with her dog. A municipality officer stops her and asks for her dogs license. But she says my dog is only seven he dosent drive. Man: I have a dog that doesn't have a nose. Other Man: And how does he smell? Man: Awful. Boy : When I get older I am getting a dog. Girl: Cool what's his name going to be. Boy: Naked. Girl: Why naked? Boy: So when my friend's come over I can tell them I am walking naked down the street. I bought a new pet dog and called it William. Three days later I got arrested for asking female work colleagues if they would like to see a picture of my Willie... Little Sister A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom. There little boy opens the door and says ""Daddy what are you doing to mama?"" Then the daddy says ""Making you a little sister"" And then the boy replies ""Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."" Rottweiler A man walks into a bar one day and asks, ""Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"" ""Yeah, I do!"" a biker says, standing up. ""What about it?"" ""Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."" ""What are you talkin' about?!"" the biker says, disbelievingly. ""How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"" ""Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"" Playing Chess A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. ""I can hardly believe my eyes!"" he exclaimed. ""That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."" ""Nah, he's not so smart,"" the friend replied. ""I've beaten him three games out of five."" Chihuahua Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, ""Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."" The guy with the Chihuahua said, ""We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."" The one with the Doberman said, ""Just follow my lead."" They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, ""Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."" The man with the Doberman said, ""You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."" The bouncer said, ""A Doberman pinscher?"" The man said, ""Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."" The bouncer said, ""Come on in."" The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, ""Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."" The man with the Chihuahua said, ""You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."" The bouncer said, ""A Chihuahua?"" The man with the Chihuahua said, ""A Chihuahua? They gave me a fricking Chihuahua?"" Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats 1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. Dingo One day a lady took a dingo to the vet. The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head. ""I'm sorry your dingo is dead"" said the doctor. ""How could you be so sure"" the lady said. So the man left the room and come back with a labrodore retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat. The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead. With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. ""$400, why $400?"". The doctor replied ""If you had've believed me first it would of been $60"". ""But why still"" the lady insists. To which the doctor says ""Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"" German Shepard ""I have beautiful dog, a German Shepard. She is an amazing creature. We have lots of fun together. I never do anything weird with her, except that I let her smell my crotch once in a while. I call my dog, Claudia Sniffer."" The Telegram A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: ""Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."" The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, ""There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."" The dog replied, ""but that would make no sense at all!"" Recliner There was a couple, the husband wanted a new recliner cause their dog chewed it all up. They went to the store and bought a new recliner, he went to his bedroom to get comfortable and came back to the living room finding his chair was all chewed up. He yelled out loud ""Shit Sue."" She said , ""Your write the Shitz tzu did it."""
39,"2018-04-12 01:22:49","Dog Playing Chess Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. ""I can hardly believe my eyes!"" he exclaimed. ""That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."" ""Nah, he's not so smart,"" the friend replied. ""I've beaten him three games out of five."""
40,"2018-04-12 01:22:50","Dolphin Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What did the dolphin say when he posted bail? ""I'm off the hook!"" Why don't dolphins play basketball? Because there afraid of the net. Why don't dolphins pass their exams? Because they work below C-Level. Why did the dolphin cross the road? To get to the other tide. Why did the dolphin blush? Because it saw the oceans bottom. What did the magician say to the dolphin? Pick a cod, any cod! How did the dolphin find the World Wide Web? In a Net. How do dolphins travel long distances? They whale (hail) a cab. How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything! Where do dolphins sleep? In a water bed. What happened after the dolphin ate tainted fish? He lost his herring. Did you know that dolphins sometimes eat cephalopods like an octopus? Seriously, I'm not squidding. What do dolphins need to stay healthy? Vitamin Sea. Are the shows at Sea World fun? Dolphinately. What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune! What did the people say when they were waiting for the dolphins to jump? Water they waiting for! What did the dolphin say when the priest tossed him a fish? Holy Mackerel Telling people about different types of dolphins gives me porpoise. Fish Jokes Whale Jokes Miami Dolphins Jokes"
41,"2018-04-12 01:22:52","Donkey Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Donkey Short Jokes Q: What happens when your carrying a donkey and you chuckle so hard you drop him? A: You're laughing your ass off. Q: What did the donkey do when he got cut-off? A: ""Hee-Haw""nked. Q: What happens when you buy a mini-donkey A: Your getting a little ass! Q: What do you call a donkey throwing nuts to the moon? A: An ass throw nut (astronaut). Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas? A: Mule-tide greetings. Q: How do you compliment a donkey? A: ""Hey, nice ass!"" Q: What do you get cross an optimetrist convention and a donkey auction? A: Two eyegl-asses for the price of one. Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion? A: a piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye! Q: What do you call a donkey that was born with a brain injury? A: A dumb ass!!! Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg ? A: A wonkey donkey Q: What do you call a donkey that keeps time? A: Hourgl-ass. What do you get when you cross a Donkey with a Motorcycle? A Yam-Hee-Haw Q: Did you hear about the hobo who thought he was a donkey? A: His friends called him underp-ass. Q: What do you call a donkey with a PHD? A: A smart ass. Q: What do you call ad donkey with a banjo? A: Bluegr-ass Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and a bad eye ? A: A winkey wonkey donkey Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while breaking wind ? A: A stinkey winkey wonkey donkey Q: What do you call a donkey with a drinking problem? A: A winegl-ass. Q: What do you call a donkey with built-in GPS? A: Comp-ass. Q: What do you call a Donkey that can go 0-40 in 3.4 seconds? A: Fibergl-ass Q: Did you hear about the donkey that was afraid to speak up for herself? A: She was a candy-ass. Q: What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine? A: A pain in the ass. If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. A man fell in love with his faithful female donkey, and decided to marry her. At the wedding, the priest said, ""Well, this is refreshing, it's usually the woman that's marrying the ass."" Are your other donkeys jealous because that's one fine ass Donkey Bar Jokes Bartender's Donkey A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars. The man say I can do it! So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves. About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for. The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it! He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, ""How did you make the donkey laugh?"" The man looks at the bartender and says, ""Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did"". ""How did you make him cry?"" ask the bartender? Well I showed him. Little Boy & Old Man An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, ""What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey."" So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said,"" Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, ""That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them."" So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You'll Eventually Lose Your ASS! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the donkey. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet donkey walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my donkey."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the donkey falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a donkey."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a donkey sitting next to him. ""Are you a donkey?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The donkey replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a donkey in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that donkey?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the donkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that donkey to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a donkey in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the donkey because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
42,"2018-04-12 01:22:55","Door To Door Salesman Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A door-to-door salesman has had a really rough day and decided to try one more house before heading home. He knocks on the door, determined to make a sale. A small boy opens the door, and the salesman starts in with his sales pitch. The boy stood there speechless, and the salesman, seeing that he wasn't getting anywhere, asked the boy where his mother was. The boy didn't say a word and just pointed upstairs. The salesman goes up the stairs, opens the bedroom door and finds the boy's mother in bed with a goat!! Completely flabbergasted, the salesman slams the door shut and flies down the stairs. He grabs the little boy by the shoulders and yells, ""Do you know what's in bed with your mother? Do you know what they're doing? Doesn't this bother you?"" To which the little boy responded, ""Na-a-a-a-a-a-a."""
43,"2018-04-12 01:22:57","Duck Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: At what time does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn. Q: What do you call a cat that swallows a duck? A: A duck-filled-fatty-pus Q: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem? A: He was a quackhead. Q: What do you call a duck that steals? A: A robber ducky. Q: What did Detective Duck say to his partner? A: ""Let's quack this case!"" Q: What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes? A: ""I hope I didn't quack any!"" Q: What did the duck say when the waitress came? A: Put it on my bill! Q: What did the blonde replace her rooster with a duck?"
44,"2018-04-12 01:22:59","Eagle Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a sick eagle? A: Ill-eagle! Q: Why don't eagles like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: Republican John Ashcroft sang ""Let the Eagle Soar"" what was the eagles response? A: Leave the eagles out of it Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird? A. The Spread Eagle Q: What does the eagle say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? A: 'Let us prey.' Q: How does a eagle greet the its prey in the water ? A: 'Pleased to eat you.' ! Q: Did you hear about the bird who could see trouble coming from a mile way? A: It had an eagle eye. Why can't you own a sick eagle? Because it's Ill-eagle! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a eagle walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the eagle's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the eagle. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet eagle walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my eagle."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the eagle falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a eagle."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a eagle sitting next to him. ""Are you a eagle?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The eagle replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a eagle in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that eagle?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the eagle again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that eagle to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
45,"2018-04-12 01:23:04","Elephant Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it? What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet? An elephant with an umbrella! Why does an elephant wear sneakers? So that he can sneak up on mice! What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant. What's big and grey and wears a mask? The elephantom of the opera! What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour? A jet propelled elephant! Why does the elephant bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the Elephant was having a day off! I suppose when you've seen one lion catch an elephant, you've seen a maul. What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? Elephino. (HEll if I know) What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? Lost! Why did the elephant go in the mens restroom? To get some nuts What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant? Mashed potatoes! What do elephants and trees have in common? They both have big trunks! Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up! What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy! What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet? An elephant with spare parts! Why did the elephants start a stampede? Because the wanted to be herd. Why can't an elephant use a computer? He's too afraid of the mouse. What's grey but turns red? An embarrassed elephant! What do you get when you cross a Elephant with a garden? Squash! Where does an elephant pack his luggage? In his trunk! What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence. What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant! What is an elephants favorite sport? Squash. When should you feed milk to a baby elephant? When it's a baby elephant! How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling! What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck! Why did the elphant cross the road? because the chicken wanted a day off. What do you call an elephant that flies? A jumbo jet! What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed? Time to get a new bed! Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool? Because their trunks kept on falling down. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? Peanut butter. What can an elephant make that no other animal can make? A baby elephant. How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card! Why did the elephant leave the circus? He was tired of working for peanuts. What do you call a passenger plane shaped like an elephant? A dumbo jet. What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant? An animal that tells you everything that it remembers! What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail? This is the end of me! Why do the elephants have short tails? Because they can't remember long stories! What do elephants sing at christmas? Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants... Who do elephants get their christmas presents from? Elephanta Claus! Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs! What do you call a elephant that never washes? A smellyphant! Teacher: ""Where would you find an elephant?"" Pupil:""You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!"" What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you! Teacher: ""Name six wild animals"" Pupil:""Four elephants and two lions!"" What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette! What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night? Russell! What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater? Warren! What is an elephant that flies? A propellaphant. What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater? Terrified! What do you call someone with an elephant on their head? Squashed! Whats the difference between your mom and an African Elephant? Ten pounds. Who lost a herd of elephants? Big bo peep! What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming Trunks How are elephants and computers similar? They both have big memories. What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing? Its shadow! What is an elephants favorite film? Elephantasia What do elephants say as a compliment? You look elephantastic! What do you do with old cannon balls? Give them to elephants to use as marbles! What animals were last to leave the ark? The elephants as they had to pack their trunks! Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (they say no) Works, doesn't it? If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help uncle jack off an elephant An elephant flew past at 200 miles per hour. It was a Nelliecopter How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
46,"2018-04-12 01:23:07","Ferret Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes The Wife A guy brings a ferret home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a ferret walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the ferret's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the ferret. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a ferret in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my ferret."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a ferret."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a ferret sitting next to him. ""Are you a ferret?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The ferret replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Q: What do you call a mismatched pair of socks in the wash? A: Evidence. Q: How do you drive a ferret crazy? A: Give him a round litter pan. Q: What is a ferret's favorite song? A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl... Q: How many California ferret owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands. First they have to write to their representatives, educate others, obtain support, etc. then have a bill proposal pass through various committees before the government will allow the bulb to be changed. Q: Who is a ferret's favorite president? A: John Fitchgerald Kennedy. Q: What do you call an ferret with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the ferret stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the ferret cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a ferret go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Why did the blonde give her ferret a coke? A: Because when she was young her parents told her ""Pop goes to the Weasel"". Q: What do you call a ferret that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: What do Muhammed Ali and Bandit the Ferret have in common? A: They both know how to duke it out. Q: Ferrets favor fashions by which designer? A: Alberta Ferretti. Q: Who is a ferret's favorite composer? A: Ferretric Chopin. Q: Who is a ferret's favorite band? A: The Ferretones. Q: Which ferret became an author of stories set in WWII and after? A: Elie Weasel. Q: Which high-kicking ferret won the Gold in Tae Kwon Do at the '92 Olympic Games? A: Herb Ferretz. Q: Who is the ferret Zionist prime minister? A: Shimon Ferretz."
47,"2018-04-12 01:23:09","Fish Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What did the fish say when he posted bail? ""I'm off the hook!"" Why don't fish like basketball? Cause they're afraid of the net Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon! What do you call a fish with a tie? soFISHticated What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark! How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut! Why don't fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships. What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales. What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish. Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? To fish for compliments. What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies. What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall? Damn! Whats the best way to catch a fish? Have some one throw it at you. How do you make a fish laugh? Tell a whale of a tale. What happens when you drink like a fish? You piss like a fire hose. Did you know the Octopus is the only fish that can squirt ink? Just Squidding. What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel! Why don't fish pass their exams? Because they work below C-Level. Why did the octopus cross the road? To get to the other tide. What do you call a lazy crayfish? Slobster How do shellfish get to the hospital? In a clambulance. Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the oceans bottom. Why do oysters go to the gym? It's good for the mussel. Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish. How did the fish find the World Wide Web? In a Net. What happens when you put nutella on salmon? You get salmonella What did the magician say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod! Did you hear about the fight in the kitchen? A fish got battered. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles. How does a seahorse quickly get from one place to another? He scallops! Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle What do you call a fish that knows addition? An Octoplus. How do fish travel long distances? They whale (hail) a cab. What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish. What party game do fish like to play? Salmon Says. Why are fish such intelligent creatures? Because they swim in schools! What fish goes up the river at 100mph? A motor pike! How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything! What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! What do you get from a bad-tempered shark? As far away as possible! Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide! Where do women keep their money when underwater? In a octurpurse. Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! Why don't lobsters ever pay retail? Because they are Sale-fish. Where do fish sleep? In a water bed. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row! What kind of fish plays the guitar? Bassist What do you call an underwater transformer? Octopus Prime. What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout? Monkfish! How do you keep a fish from smelling? Cut off his nose. What bit of fish doesn't make sense? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding! What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings? A fish tank! What do you call a smelly fish? A stink ray. What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish? Tsardines! What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand! Why are gold fish orange? The water makes them rusty! Who held the baby octopus to ransome? Squidnappers! What part of a fish weighs the most? It's scales! What fish do road-menders use? Pneumatic krill! What is a trouts main job? To keep his daughter off the pole. What do fish need to stay healthy? Vitamin Sea. Boy: Have u ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up! What happens when sharks take their clothes off? They go sharkers! What do you call a fish that destroys Japan? Codzilla. What game do fish like playing the most? Name that tuna! Who keeps the ocean clean? A mermaid. Where do fish go to do yoga? The river bend Where do fishes work? The Offish What do naked fish play with? Bare-a-cudas! What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon? An electric shark! What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea? Jack the kipper! Have you heard about the Sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels. What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune! Where do shellfish go to borrow money? To the prawn broker! What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather! What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys? He got lockjaw! Where do fish wash? In a river basin! What fish only swims at night? A starfish! What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab? Snappy answers. How do fish go into business? The start on a small scale! Which fish go to heaven when they die? Angelfish! Have you ever heard of the gold fish that went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish What do you get when you cross a mink with an octopus? A coat of arms. Which day do fish hate? Fry-day! What do you call a fish that can give you a face-lift? A plastic Sturgeon. What kind of fish only swims in hot oil? Fish Sticks. What did the people say when they were waiting for the dolphins to jump? Water they waiting for! What kind of fish chase mice? Catfish. What do you call a talking crustacean? Holy Crab. What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line! What is the most expensive kind of fish? a goldfish Why did the fish go to Hollywood? He wanted to be a starfish! What do whales eat? Fish and ships. What do you call an underwater social network? Fishbook Where do you weigh whales? At a whale weigh station! How did the marine mollusk get into college? Apparently it got in on a scallopship! What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air? A seahorse! Me: When you look at your fish sticks what do you see? Friend: I just seafood (see food) Knock Knock Who's there? Fish! Fish who? Bless you. Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-ish There's plenty of fish in the sea... Just be careful not to catch crabs. Two fish in a tank - one says to the other ""Can you drive this thing?"" Our asking, ""Where is God?"" is like a fish asking, ""Where is water?"" A fish and a crab were playing with a ball. Then the crab wouldn't toss the ball back to the fish. The fish cried, ""You're shellfish!"". If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ""Dam!"" I always lose at connect four, tic tac toe, go fish. & relationships. there's plenty of fish in the sea, but you're my nemo. Men are like fish neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Tell a man one of your long, pointless fishing stories, and he'll never bother you again. There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch. My disney channel was ""Even Stevens"", ""That's so Raven"", & ""Lizzie McGuire"" It didn't involve talking fish or 11 year olds in high school. Instead of a cat, buy your kid a fish. It's easier to flush. I got 99 problems but a fish aint one Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod. Ice Fishing A newfie went ice fishing. Heard a voice."" There's no fish there"" Gets up, goes a few feet further. Digs a hole and starts fishing again. Again, he hears the voice. ""There's no fish there"" Newfie looks up, is that you Lord No, said the voice. ""Its the Manager of the Arena."""
48,"2018-04-12 01:23:13","Flea Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What is the most faithful insect? A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything? A flee! What to you call a Russian flea? A Moscow-ito! What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show! What did one flea say to the other? Shall we fly or take the dog. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! How do you start an insect race? One, two, flea - go! What do you call a mad flea? A looney-tic What do you call 144 fleas in a box? Gross! Why does the flea bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. How do you find where a flea has bitten you? Start from scratch! What is a flea's favorite book? The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy! What did the clean dog say to the insect? Long time no flea! Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War? Robert E Flea! What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go! What do you call a cheerful flea? A hop-timist! What do you call a Flea in a bar? A Bar-Hopper! What did the dog say to the flea? Stop bugging me! What do you call a bug that kills the president? Flea Harvey Oswald. What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it! How to fleas travel? Itch hiking! Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater? To hide his flea collar! What do you call a fancy party just for pests? Grand Jubi-flea. What do you call a flea that likes country music? Flea Ann Rimes. Where do fleas live? fleadelphia! Where do fleas shop at? the flea market! What do you call a bug that plays golf? Flea Westwood."
49,"2018-04-12 01:23:19","Flies Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What did papa firefly tell mama firefly? Isn't our son too bright for his age! Q: What do you call a Fly without wings? A: A walk. Q: What do you call a Fly with no wings or legs? A: A roll. What is the difference between a fly and a bird? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird! Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er. What goes ""snap, crackle and pop""? A firefly with a short circuit! Which fly makes films? Stephen Speilbug! If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player? The one in the sugar bowl! Why were the flies playing football in sauce They where playing for the cup! What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck. What do Fireflies eat at a restraint? A light meal. Why do fireflies like the rain? Because they are lightning bugs! How do you make a firefly happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted. What do you call a fly that can dance? A jitterbug. How do fireflies start a race? Ready steady glow! What do you call a fly that is ill? Answer: The flew What did one firefly say to the other? Got to glow now! Why was the fly looking for the garbage can? Because he was a litterbug. Why did the firefly keep stealing things? He was light fingered! How do you keep flies out of the kitchen? Put a pile of manure in the living room! Two flies sitting on a dog poo. One farts. The other says ""Do you mind? I'm eating my dinner!"" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a fly eating popcorn sitting next to him. ""Are you a fly?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The fly replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
50,"2018-04-12 01:23:31","Fox Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a fox with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the fox stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the fox cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a fox go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk with foxes? A: She was crazy like a fox. Q: When do you have to dance like a fox? A: When your doing the fox trot. Q: How do you become the coach of the Chicago Bears? A: Be sly as a Fox. Q: What do you call a fox that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: Did you hear about the shapeshifter that met Medusa? A: She's now a stone cold fox. I've been fox hunting again, or stalking as my ginger ex-girlfriend calls it. Fox Pick Up Lines Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox! Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Foxasaurus If I was a fox, I'd jump in your hole! It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open! The Wife A guy brings a fox home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a fox walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the foxes mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the fox. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a fox in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet fox walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my fox."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the fox falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a fox."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a fox sitting next to him. ""Are you a fox?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The fox replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
51,"2018-04-12 01:23:37","Frog Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Why are frogs so happy? They eat watever bugs them! What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly. Whats a frogs favorite game? It's croak-et! What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth! What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio. How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs? They sit eggsaminations! Why are frogs so good at basketball? Because they always make jump shots. How do frogs die? They kermit suicide! What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, and thie other one says rub-it rub-it! What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad! What do you call a talking frog? A quantum leap. What's a frogs favorite flower? A croakus! What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad. How do you make frog legs? In a croak=pot. Whats the preferred car of frogs? The Beetle. What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel! What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog? A croakadile. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad. What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded amphibian! What do toads drink? Croak-a-cola! What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft! Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road? He was afraid of getting toad! What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half an apple! Where do frogs keep there money? In the riverbanks! What do frogs drink? Hot croako! What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts! What kind of shoes to frogs like? Open toad sandals! Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area! Where do frogs keep their treasure? In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow! Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions? A hot frog! What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year! What did the bus driver say to the frog? Hop on! What do you call a frog with no hind legs? Unhoppy! What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad! Whats the world weakest animal? A toad, he croaks if you even touch him! What kind of pole is short and floppy? A tadpole! What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit? A bunny ribbit. What happens when two frogs collide? They get tongue tied! What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Lily! What do drunk toads play? Hop-scotch What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog? A jumprope! Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog horn! What does a frog in Mcdonalds eat? French Flies. Where do you get frogs eggs? At the spawn shop! What does a frog say when it sees something great? Toadly awesome! What do stylish frogs wear? Jumpsuits! What did the frog say when he landed on a book? Reddit!reddit!reddit! How do frogs & rabbits settle their disputes? They play hopscotch! How does a frog win a gold medal? In the long jump. What's a toads favorite candy? Lollihops! What do you call a frog spy? A croak and dagger agent! How did the toad die? He simply croaked! What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a frog? An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them. What did the frog order at McDonald's? French flies and a diet Croak Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom! What do you say to a hitchhiking frog? Hop in! What do you call 144 frogs in a box? Gross! How does a frog pick his favorite baseball team? He jumps on the bandwagon. Did you hear about the frog who drowned? She jumped off the deep end. Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun? He wanted to robbit. What do you get when you plant a frog? A cr-oak tree. What is a frogs favorite place to eat? At ihop! What kind of music do frogs listen to? Hip Hop What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to? Hopera. Did you hear about the frog with glasses? He had to go to the Hopthalmologist. What did the sick frog need? a Hoperation. A cat told a frog ""time flies when you are having fun"" The frog corrected her ""Actually it's time is fun when you're having flies!"" When I was younger, I dressed ups a frog and robbed a bank. That was my first time that I Kerm-itted a crime. I told the guy at the towing company ""Your slimier than a frog?"" 20 minutes later he sent me a toad truck. Ever heard a frog fart? If not, you ain't squeezing him hard enough. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a frog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the frog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the frog. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a frog sitting next to him. ""Are you a frog?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The frog replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" The Library One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching ""bouk bouk."" The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching ""bouk bouk."" The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching ""bouk bouk"" But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking ""red-it red-it"""
52,"2018-04-12 01:23:39","Giraffe Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam. Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time? A: I'd like to get to gnaw you. Q: What's the silliest name you can give a giraffe? A: Stumpy. Q: Why did the giraffe get bad grades? A: He had his head in the clouds. Q: Whats green and hangs from trees? A: Giraffe snot. Q: What do you call a royal giraffe? A: Your high-ness. Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffes with a police-man ? A: Long-arm of the Law ! Q: Why don't giraffes like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a giraffe, you've seen a maul. Q: What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? A: One has hydrolics and the other has high bollocks Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs? A: When there are two of them! Q: Why do giraffes have long necks? A: Because their feet smell! Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog? A: A twelve-foot toothbrush Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride. Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race? A: A longshot. Q: What do you call an animal that turns into a boat? A: a GIRRAFT. Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has? A: Baby giraffes! Q: Why was the giraffe late? A: Because he got caught in a giraffic jam! A giraffe walked in to a bar and the barman said whats with the long face. Religious Zookeeper The devout zookeeper lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out at the zoo. Three weeks later, a giraffe walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The zookeeper couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the giraffe's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the giraffe. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my giraffe."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the giraffe falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a baby giraffe sitting next to him. ""Are you a baby giraffe?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The giraffe replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
53,"2018-04-12 01:23:42","Goat Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol. What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean. What do you call a goat with one ear? Van goat. What do you call a spastic goat? Billy the kid. What do you call a goat on a mountain? Hillbilly. What do you call a goat that lip syncs? Billy-Vanilli. What do you call a goat playing the piano? Billy Joel. What do you call a Spanish goat with no back legs? Gracias. What do you call a redneck who owns 6 goats? A pimp. What do you call a goat hosting the Oscars? Billy Crystal. What do you call a goat with a beard? Goatee! What do you call the best 'butter' on the farm? A goat! What do you call a goat that was married to Angelina Jolie? Billy Bob Thorton. What do you call a goat that knows martial arts? Karate kid What do you call a goat dressed like a clown? A silly billy. What did Bill Murray say when he met Satan? I ain't afraid of no goats. What do you call a goat listening to country music? Billy Ray Cyrus. What do you call a billy secret agent? Goateneye. Like my goat impression? Thats because it's the Greatest Of All Time. A classroom of miniature goats were given a riddle by their teacher ""now class is there anyone here that can solve this tricky problem?"" The entire class put their hooves in the air and replied"" Pigmy!! Pigme!!"" Knock Knock Who's there? Goat! Goat who? Goat on a limb and open the door. Knock Knock Who's there? Goat! Goat who? Goat to believe in magic. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a goat walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the goat's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the goat. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet goat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my goat."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the goat falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a goat."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a goat sitting next to him. ""Are you a goat?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The goat replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a goat in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that goat?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the goat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that goat to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a goat in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the goat because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
54,"2018-04-12 01:23:47","Gorilla Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What is a gorilla's favorite cookie? A: Chocolate chimp! Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A gorilla with a machine gun. How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!' What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A Kong-vict! How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show! How did the dog warn its master that a Gorilla was approaching? He barked g-r-r-r-illa! How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae! What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas? As little as possible, dummy! What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to Paris? Ape Suzettes! What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla? Anything it wants! What does a Gorilla attorney study? The Law of the jungle! What does a Gorilla learn first in school? The Apey-cees! What gives a gorilla good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school! What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen! What's black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank! Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. What's black, hairy, and writes under water? A ball-point gorilla! Why did the advertising company hire a bunch of primates? For a gorilla marketing campaign. When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers! Which author do the Gorillas love most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!' Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush? The Naked Ape! Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building? Fall-adelphia! Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour! Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug! Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman! Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite! Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare! Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite! Why did the girl Gorilla, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it! Why did the Gorilla fail English? He had little Ape-titude! Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Gorilla in my soup!' Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers. Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head? A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)! How does a Gorilla become another animal? When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon! How do you make a Gorilla laugh? Tell it a whale of a tale! How do you make a Gorilla float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla! Q: Why don't the gorillas in the jungle play poker any more? A: There are just too many Cheetahs. Q: What is as big as a gorilla but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow! Q: Why are gorillas so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo! How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You!' How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You!' Q: Where does a monkey cook his toast ? A: Under a gorilla! Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State building? A: Because he couldn't fit in the elevator! Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers! Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: It was dead. Q: What do monkeys do when they're mad at each other? A: They have a Gorilla war! Q: Why did the gorilla go to the doctor? A: Because his banana wasn't peeling very well! Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk? A: Sit somewhere else! Q: What's a monkey's favourite drink? A: A sas-gorilla. Q: How do gorillas get down the stairs? A: They slide down the banana-ster! Q: What do gorillas do when they go mad? A: Go bananas! Q: What do you call a gorilla playing quidditch? A: A hairy potter!! Q: What's a gorilla's favourite pop group? A: Bananarama! Q: What is a ape's favourite toy? A: A Bab-boom-orang! Q: What sort of key does a gorilla need to open a banana? A: A monk-key! Q: Where do gorillas like to get their hair cut? A: Vidal Baboon! Q: How do you stop a gorilla from charging? A: Take away his credit card! Q: What's a chimpanzee's favourite music band? A: The Gorillaz! Q: What did the banana say to the gorilla? A: Nothing, bananas don't talk! How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a gorilla in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the gorilla because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
55,"2018-04-12 01:23:52","Grasshopper Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket? Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper! What is green and can jump a mile in a minute? A grasshopper with hiccups! What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket! What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick! What do you call a grasshopper with no legs? A grasshover! What is a grasshoppers favorite sport? Cricket. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says ""Hey we have a drink named after you."" The surpised grasshopper says ""You have a drink named Shaun?"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a grasshopper walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the grasshopper's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the grasshopper. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a grasshopper in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my grasshopper."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a grasshopper."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him. ""Are you a grasshopper?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The grasshopper replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
56,"2018-04-12 01:23:55","Groundhog Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Why don't they let Punxsutawney Phil watch TV? He keeps hogging the remote. What do you call a royal woodchuck? A crowned hog Where do sick groundhogs go? To the hogspital What is Punxsutawney Phil's favorite book? Holes What do you call a woodchuck's laundry? Hogwash How do groundhogs smell? With their noses What does Punxsutawney Phil do at a party? Go hog wild. What is a woodchucks favorite color? Mahogany! What do you call a groundhog that drives recklessly? A road hog. What do you call a woodchuck that plays basketball? A ball hog. Cold Winter In the winter a man says to his wife: ""Should we bring the pet groundhog inside, it is freezing out there."" ""But it stinks"", says the wife to which the husband replies: ""He will get used to it!"""
57,"2018-04-12 01:24:00","Guinea Pig Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a guinea pig in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of guinea pigs. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with guinea pigs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of guinea pigs, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these guinea pigs to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" The Rat and the Guinea Pig A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, ""If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"" The Barkeep says ""Depends on how good of a trick it is."" The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a guinea pig and places him behind the piano. The guinea pig starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, ""If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"" The barkeep says ""If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night.""The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the guinea pig."" Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, ""I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."" The drunks says ""not for sale"". The agent says, ""Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat.""The drunk say, ""deal"" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, ""Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"" The Drunk says, ""Relax, the guinea pig is a ventriloquist"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet guinea pig walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my guinea pig."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the guinea pig falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a guinea pig."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a guinea pig sitting next to him. ""Are you a guinea pig?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The guinea pig replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Q: What do you call a guinea pig with three eyes? A: A guinea piiig. Why was the Guinea Pig upset with his job? It didn't pay enough salary (celery). Why was the guinea pig's wife upset with her diamond ring? It wasn't enough karats (carrots) Q: What did the grape say when the guinea pig stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the guinea pig cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a guinea pig go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a guinea pig that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Where does the sports obsessed Guinea Pig go to watch football? In his man-cavy. Q: When do guinea pigs run away from rain? A: When its raining cats and dogs! One guinea pig asks another guinea pig, ""Why do we always eat lettuce?"" The other guina pig replies and says, "" What do you think?"" What does the other Guinea Pig say back.? Because our owner Lets Us!! (as in Lettuce)"
58,"2018-04-12 01:24:02","Hamster Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What do you call a hamster with a top hat? Abrahamster Lincoln What do you call a hamster with no legs? A furball. Where does a hamster go for Spring Break? Hamsterdam! What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A hamster sandwich! Why did the hamster run away? Because it didn't have a wheel! Why was the Hamster upset with his job? It didn't pay enough salary (celery). What did the mother hamster say to her children when they wanted a bedtime story? I don't have a tale! Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam (Amsterdam) What do you call a hamster with 3 legs? Hamputee. What do you call a hamster that can pick up an elephant ? Sir! What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster! What is white and brown and eats hamster food? My hamster! When does a hamster take a bath? When no one's looking! What do you call a hamster that can't run in a wheel? Hamateur. When do hamsters run away from rain? When its raining cats and dogs! The Rat and the Hamster A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, ""If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"" The Barkeep says ""Depends on how good of a trick it is."" The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster and places him behind the piano. The hamster starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, ""If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"" The barkeep says ""If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night.""The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the hamster."" Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, ""I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."" The drunks says ""not for sale"". The agent says, ""Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat.""The drunk say, ""deal"" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, ""Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"" The Drunk says, ""Relax, the hamster is a ventriloquist"" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a hamster sitting next to him. ""Are you a hamster?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The hamster replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
59,"2018-04-12 01:24:08","Handicap Parrot Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes This guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, ""Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"" ?""I was born this way,"" says the parrot. ""I'm a defective parrot."" ?""Ha, ha,"" the guy laughs. ""It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"" ?""I understood every word,"" says the parrot. ""I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."" ?""Yeah?"" the guy asks. ""Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"" ?""Well,"" the parrot says, ""this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. ?I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."" ?""Wow,"" says the guy, ""you really can understand and answer, can't you?"" ?""Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion."" ?The guy looks at the $200 price tag. ""I can't afford that,"" he says. ""Pssst,"" the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. ?""Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an ?offer!"" ? ?The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. ?Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's ?interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. ?The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, ""Pssst,"" and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. ""I don't know if I should tell?you this or not"", says the parrot, ""but it's about your wife and the mailman"" ?""What?"" says the guy. ?""Well,"" the parrot says, ""when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."" ?""What happened then?"" asks the guy. ?""Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over,"" reports the parrot. ?""My God!"" the guy cries. ""Then what?"" ?""Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down."" ?The parrot pauses for a long time..... ?""What happened? What happened?"" says the frantic guy. ?""I don't know,"" says the Parrot. ""My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."""
60,"2018-04-12 01:24:14","Hedgehog Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog? A: A six-foot toothbrush. Q: What's the difference between a police car and a hedgehog? A: A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside. What did the bird say to the hedgehog? ""Ya prick!"" Q: How do hedgehogs make love? A: Very, very carefully! Q: Why couldn't the hedgehog wash his hair? A: Because he'd left his head and shoulders on the road. Q: What do you call an hedgehog with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the hedgehog stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a hedgehog go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a hedgehog that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: Who's faster, Sonic the hedgehog or a Japanese bullet train? A: A bullet train of course, Sonic doesn't actually exist. Q: What is a hedgehog's favorite flavour of chips? A: Prickled Onion! Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road? A: To see his flat mate! Q: What do you call a hedgehog with hot lips? A: Sonic the Hedge-Snog. Q: What do you get when you cross a bush and a pig? A: A hedgehog! Q: What's the difference between a Mercedes and a hedgehog? A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a hedgehog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the hedgehog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the hedgehog. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a hedgehog in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" African Hedgehog ""What's the difference between the United States hedgehog and the African hedgehog,"" the society matron asked the zookeeper. ""The principal difference is the United States species has a longer prick."" This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, ""Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the United States species has a longer 'quill'. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet hedgehog walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my hedgehog."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the hedgehog falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a hedgehog."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a hedgehog sitting next to him. ""Are you a hedgehog?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The hedgehog replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a hedgehog in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that hedgehog?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the hedgehog again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that hedgehog to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
61,"2018-04-12 01:24:18","Hippopotamus Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's a hippos favourite kind of music? A: Hip-hop Q: What did the grape say when the hippopotamus stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: How do you make sure a hippo is telling you the truth? A: Make him take the Hippocratic Oath. Q: How can you get a hippo to do whatever you want? A: Hipponotism. Q: What do you call a naughty hippopotamus in nature? A: Hip Hop Hooray...Ho..Hey...Ho. Q: Why did the hippo cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: What do you call a mean hippo? A: A hippocrite Q: When does a hippo go ""mooooo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What's more amazing than a talking hippo? A: A spelling bee! Q: What do you call a hippo in a phone booth? A: Stuck! Q: What happens when hippos get too cold? A: They get hippothermia. Q: What do you call a lazy hippo? A: A hippopota-mess! Q: What do you call a hippo with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What is as big as a hippo but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow! Q: What do you call a fashionable hippopotamus? A: A hippo-ster. Q: What time is it when a hippo sits on your bed? A: Time to get a new bed! Q: How do you say hello to a hippopotamus? A: Hi-po! Q: What do you call a long haired hippo? A: A hippy Q: How do you inoculate a hippo? A: With a hippodermic needle. The Wife A guy brings a Hippo home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Hippopotamus walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Hippos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Hippo. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Hippopotamus walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Hippopotamus."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Hippopotamus falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Hippopotamus."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Hippo sitting next to him. ""Are you a Hippo?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Hippopotamus replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
62,"2018-04-12 01:24:19","Horny Rooster Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, ""I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. ""Henry"", he said, ""I'm counting on you to do your stuff."" And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, ""Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself."" But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, ""Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."" ""Shhhhh,"" Henry whispered, ""The buzzard is getting closer."""
63,"2018-04-12 01:24:23","Horse Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do race horses eat? A: Fast Food. Q: Why did the horse cross the road? A: Because somebody shouted hay! Q: What do you call a scary female horse? A: A nightmare! Are you a horse? Yay or neigh? Q: What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A: A Macintosh Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? A: Sherbet Q: What do you call a promiscious pony? A: A Little Whorse Q: Why do horses like to fart when they buck? A: Because they can't achieve full horse power without gas. Q: How did the cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay for three days, and ride out on Friday? A: His horse's name was Friday! Q: Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude? A: She always said Neigh Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? A: A tale of WHOA! Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds? A: A zebra! Q: What street do horses live on? A: Mane St. Q: When do vampires like horse racing? A: When it's neck and neck. Q: What did the momma say to the foal? A: Its pasture your bedtime Q: What did the waiter say to the horse? A: I can't take your order. That's not my stable. Q: What's the quickest way to mail a little horse? A: Use the Pony Express. Q: What did one horse say to the other horse? A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane. Q: How do you make a small fortune in the horse industry? A: Start with a large fortune. Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee? A: Neigh buzz Q: How does a horse from Kentucky greet another horse? A: With Southern Horspitality! Q: Where do horses get their hair done? A: Maine. Q: How do you know when a foal is sick? A: ITS A LITTLE HOARSE. Q: When does the person living next to you get annoying? A: When he is NEIGH-BORED. Q: What do you call a boy named Ryder who likes to ride a horses back? A: HORSE BACK RYDER. Q: What do you call 144 horses in a box? A: Gross! Q: What is a horses favorite state? A: Neighbraska. Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up? A: In the pasture Q: What do you call a well balanced horse? A: Stable. Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk? A: Nightmares! Q: Why did the horse cross the road? A: Because it wanted to see its neighbers! Q: What do you call a noisy horse? A: A herd animal. Q: How do you get a horse drunk? A: Drink him under the stable. Q: Why are most horses in shape? A: Because they are on a stable diet. Q: What did the horse say when it fell? A: ""I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"" Q: Did you hear about the blonde water-polo player? A: His horse drowned Q: What did the teacher say when the horse walked into her class? A: ""Why the long face?"" Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport? A: Stable Tennis. Q: How does a winning jockey communicate with his horse? A: He lays his cards on the stable. Q: What do you ask a sad horse? A: ""Why the long face?"" Q: What do you call a baby donkey? A: A burrito! Q: What did the mare tell her filly after dinner? A: Clear the Stable. Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door? A: A neigh-bor! Q: What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night? A: A nightmare! Q: What is a horses favorite song? A: Watch Me (Whip / Neigh Neigh) Q: Where do horses go when they're sick? A: The horsepital! Q: Where do horses shop? A: Old Neigh-vy! Q: Did you know that Mister Ed's real name was Bamboo Harvester? A: Yeah, I got it straight from the horses mouth. Q: Why did the Anorexic blonde start eating hay? A: The doctor told her she needed to eat like a horse. Q: Why don't racehorses wear underwear? A: Because it rides up on them! Q: Did you hear about the horse that wears condoms? A: They call him the ""Trojan"" horse. Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open? A: Because it had bad stable manners! Q: How does a cowboy get a stallion to do odd jobs around the farm? A: Pay him under the stable. Q: What kind of bread does a horse eat? A: Thoroughbred Q: What is black and white and eats like a horse? A: A zebra. Q: Why was the horse naked? A: Because the jockey fell off. Q: How do you get a wild horse to accept a halter? A: You turn the stables on him. A man from the olden days rode into town on Monday, he spent six days and left on Friday how is this possible? Friday was the name of his horse. A Horse is a very Stable Animal. Yo momma so fat the horse on her polo shirt is real. I call my son Seabiscuit because all he does is horse around. She was only a stable-lad's daughter, but all the horse manure (knew 'er) Is it coincidence that you play chess with four horsemen. The White Pony Fell In The Mud. (It Wasn't Mud) The pony went to the doctor and said ""I have a sore throat."" The doctor said ""It's okay your just a little horse."" There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her ""fixed."" The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he'd always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly. Moral of the Story? ""A pony spayed is a pony yearned."" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a horse walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the horse's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the horse. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet horse walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my horse."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the horse falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a horse."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a horse sitting next to him. ""Are you a horse?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The horse replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a minature horse in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that horse?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the farm."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the horse again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that horse to the farm!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" Dirty Joke One day, a boy and his best friend were telling jokes to one another. They were having fun. These boys were some of the nicest kids and would never say a dirty joke. One of the boys says ""Hey you want to hear this dirty joke. I heard it from my brother"" The other boy was curious so he agreed and said yes. ""Ok then. A horse fell into a mud puddle"""
64,"2018-04-12 01:24:25","Hunting Dog Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, ""I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."" So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, ""Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."" Earl says, ""You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, ""I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"" Chester says, ""Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."" So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, ""This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, ""Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"""
65,"2018-04-12 01:24:29","Kangaroo Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Bloody great holes all over Australia. Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A: A pouch potato! Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A: A jumprope! Q: How do sick kangaroos get better? A: They have a hoperation! Q: What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box? A: Gross Q: How does a kangaroo win a gold medal? A: In the long jump. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A Mars-upial Where do kangaroos like to eat? At ihop! What do you call a talking kangaroo? A quantum leap. How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team? He jumps on the bandwagon. What do drunk kangaroos play? Hop-scotch Did you hear about the kangaroo who drowned? She jumped off the deep end. What kind of music do kangaroos listen to? Hip Hop What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to? Hopera. What do stylish kangaroos wear? Jumpsuits! What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo What's a kangaroos favorite candy? Lollihops! What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A woolly good jumper. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes because the Empire State Building can't jump. What animal jumps when it walks, and sits when it stands? A Kangaroo. What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on! Did you hear about the Kangaroo with glasses? He had to go to the Hopthalmologist. Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump! A mother kangaroo and her baby pass through airport security. The security guard says, ""Sorry ma'am, but you need to take EVERYTHING out of your pocket before you get on the plane."" Religious Australian Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the cow. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet kangaroo walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my kangaroo."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the kangaroo falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a kangaroo."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a kangaroo sitting next to him. ""Are you a kangaroo?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The kangaroo replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a kangaroo in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the kangaroo because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
66,"2018-04-12 01:24:35","Koala Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Bartender A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich. The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, ""Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you're going!?"" The Koala replies, ""Hey, I'm a Koala. Look it up."" The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: The dictionary said ""n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."" Smoking a Joint A koala is sitting up a Eucalypt tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, ""Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"" The koala says: ""Smoking a joint, come up and have some."" So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: ""What's the matter with you?"" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the Eucalypt tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the Eucalypts tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says ""Hey you!"" So the koala looks down at him and says: ""WTFFFF dude ... how much water did you drink? Religious Australian Cowboy The devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a koala walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the koala's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the koala. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Australian Boy A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet koala walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my koala."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the koala falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a koala."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a koala sitting next to him. ""Are you a koala?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The koala replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a koala in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that koala?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the koala again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that koala to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" Q: What's a Koalas favorite drink? A: Coca Koala! Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial? A: Because he was koala-fied. Q: Why are koala's so sleepy? A: Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day! Q: How does a koala get from one place to another? A: On a gondkoala Q: What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: How do you apologize to a koala? A: BEAR your heart and soul. Q: Why isn't the the koala a real bear? A: He doesn't have the right koalifications. Q: Why did the Koala cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a Koala go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: Why did the 1st koala fall out of the tree? A: Because he was DEAD. Q: Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree? A: Because he was dead too. Q: Why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree? A: Because he thought they were playing a game. Q: Why did the boy fall of his bike? A: Because three koalas fell on top of him."
67,"2018-04-12 01:24:38","Lamb Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Why did the lamb call the police? A: He had been fleeced Q: What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A: A Candy Baa. Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow? A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood. Q: What do you call a lamb with a machine gun? A: A b-aa-aa-aa-d situation. Q: What do you get if you cross a boa and a sheep? A: A wrap-around sweater Q: How do lamb greet each other at Christmas? A: Merry Christmas to Ewe! Q: How do lamb in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: ""Fleece Navidad!"" Q: How many lamb does it take to knit a sweater? A: Don't be silly - lamb can't knit! Q: What animal sounds like a lamb but isn't? A: A baaaa-boon! Q: What do you call a dancing lamb? A: A baa-lerina! Q: Where do lambs go when they die? A: To the baa baa que. Q: What do you call a lamb that is always quiet? A: A shhhheep! Q: What do you call a lamb with no legs? A: A cloud. Q: Where do lambs get together? A: The meet market. Q: What do you get when you cross a lamb and a porcupine? A: An animal that can sew its own sweaters. Q: Where did the lamb get a haircut? A: The baa-baa shop! Q: Where do lamb get their wool cut? A: At the baa-baa shop! Q: Where do lambs take a bath? A: In a baaaa-th tub! Q: What did the lamb want to do? A: To wool the world. Q: Why was the lamb arrested on the freeway? A: Because she did a ewe-turn! Q: Where do lambs go on vacation? A: To the baaaaaahamas. Q: Why couldn't the little lamb play outside? A: It was being baaaaaaaad! Q: What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A: A Lamborghini Q: What do you call a religious lamb? A: a baaaa=ptist. Q: What do you call lambs taking over France? A: Baaaa-stile Day. Q: What would you get if you crossed a goat and a lamb? A: An animal that eats tin cans and gives back steel wool Q: What is a sheep's favorite newspaper? A: ""The Wool Street Journal"" Sheep Herders Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. ""Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!,"" said the first herder ""What about the sheep?"", said the second herder ""Fuck the sheep!"" the first herder replied ""Do you think we have time?"" asked the second herder Tourist Coach When a tourist coach passed through a small country town in Australia one of the passengers noticed a lamb tied to a lamppost on the corner in the main street. ""Oh that,"" said the guide, ""that's the Recreation Centre"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a lamb walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the lamb's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the lamb. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of lambs. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with lambs in this town! Take them to the petting zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of lambs, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these lambs to the petting zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet lamb walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my lamb."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the lamb falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a lamb."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a lamb sitting next to him. ""Are you a lamb?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The lamb replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
68,"2018-04-12 01:24:42","Lemur Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What does a lion call a lemur? A: Fast Food. Q: Why did King Julien refuse to dance? A: He didn't like to ""move it move it"" Q: Why did Liam Neeson rescue his daughter? A: He couldn't lemur behind. Q: What do you call an Lemur with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the Lemur stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the Lemur cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a Lemur go ""roarrrr""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What's more amazing than a talking Lemur? A: A spelling bee! Knock Knock! Who's There? Lemur! Lemur Who? Lemur alone. You are lucky she even performed for you bastards. Leave Britney Alone. The Wife A guy brings a Lemur home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Lemur walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Lemures mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Lemur. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Lemur walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Lemur."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Lemur falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Lemur."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Lemur sitting next to him. ""Are you a Lemur?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Lemur replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
69,"2018-04-12 01:24:45","Lion Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's a lion running a copy machine called? A: A copycat! Q: What's the difference between Simba and O.J.? A: One's an African lion the other a lyin African! Q. Why did the lion loose at poker? A. Because he was playing with a cheetah Q: What do you call a lion with chicken pox? A: A dotted lion. Q: What do you call a lion who chases camels across the desert? A: a chameleon. Q: What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A: A dandy lion Q: What job does a lion do at a newspaper? A: Run the lionotype machine! Q: Why did the lions eat the preacher? A: because he told them that they must put away their pride! Q: Why are lions religious? A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family! Q: Where does a lion sleep? A: Anywhere he wants to! Q: What does a lion do on a canoe? A: Use his Roar Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian ? A: He felt funny ! Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? A: 'Let us prey.' Q: What do you get if you cross a lion with a watchdog ? A: A terrified postman ! Q: What's the difference between a tiger and a lion ? A: A tiger has the mane part missing Q: What is lion's favorite food ? A: Baked beings ! Q: How do you take a lion's temperature? A: Very carefully! Q: What do you get when you cross a lion and a snowman? A: Frost-bite! Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field ? A: 'Pleased to eat you.' ! Q: On which day do lions eat people ? A: Chewsday ! Q: Why don't lions like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: Which scientist discovered the planet Leo 9? A: Lioness Pawling. Q: Would you rather have a tiger eat your or a lion? A: I would rather have a tiger eat a lion. Q: Why do lions always eat raw meat? A: Because they don't know how to cook. Q: How much does a lion trainer have to know? A: More than the lion! Q: Why did the lion trainer buy new clothes for working with his lions? A: He wanted to take 'pride' in his appearence! Q: What is a lions favorite cookie? A: Chocolate Chimp. Q: What do you call a cat with a lions roar? A: Kitty Perry. Q: What do you call a lion thats a talk show host? A: Larry King of the Jungle. Q: What's a lion's favorite soccer player? A: Lion-el Messi Q: What is a lions favorite state? A: Maine Q: What street do lions live on? A: Mane St. Q: Why didn't the lion eat the detective? A: Because he was under cover. Q: Why do lions always eat raw meat? A: They can't cook? Q: What animals do you need to make a square? A: 4 Lions. Q: Why did the lion spit out the clown? A: Because he tasted funny. How does a lion stop a video? He presses paws (pause). A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood. Are you from Narnia? 'coz you sure make my lion roar. Don't tell me a funny lion joke or I'll puma pants. Don't listen to him, he's lion. Night of Drinking A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my ferret."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a ferret."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a lion sitting next to him. ""Are you a lion?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The lion replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away. Escape There's two guys running down the road yelling ""Help! Help! A lions escaped"" A passerby said ""Which way did it go?"" One of the guys says ""You stupid idiot, you don't think we're chasing it do ya?"""
70,"2018-04-12 01:24:46","Lizard Jokes (Iguana, Gecko)","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a lizard that sings for Bad Boy Records? A: A Rap-tile! Q: Why did the chameleon jump in the blender? A: To blend in. Q: Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change colour? A: He had a reptile disfunction. Q: What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? A: Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth! Q: What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? A: The Lizard of Oz! Q: Which Lizards do people wear to the beach? A: Crocs! Q: What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A: A chameleon on a tartan rug! Q: What do you call a Komodo Dragon with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What do dragons call a knight in shining armor? A: Canned Food. Q: What did the grape say when the Iguana stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: When does a lizard go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a lizard that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: What is the loudest lizard in the world? A: The horned lizard. Q: What's an iguanas favorite movie? A: The Lizard of Oz. Q: What do you call a rich lizard? A: A golf blooded reptile! Q: Why did the lizard cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Knock Knock Who's there? Iguana Iguana Who? Iguana touch your buttcrack! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a lizard walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the lizard's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the lizard. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a lizard in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of lizards. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with lizards in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of lizards, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these lizards to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"""
71,"2018-04-12 01:24:48","Llama Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Short Llama Jokes Q: What's llama's favourite film? A: Llamadeus Q: Who is the llama spiritual leader? A: The Dalai Llama Q: What's more amazing than a talking llama? A: A spelling bee! Q: Why did the llama cross the road? A: Because it was the chicken's day off. Q: What did the camel say to the llama? A: Let me teach you how to spit. Q: What did the llama have for dinner? A: Llama-ables Q: What do you get if you stand between two llamas? A: llamanated Q: What do you call a very fast llama? A: a Llamagini Q: What did the pellet say to the llama? A: Don't eat me Q: What did they llama say to the blade of grass? A: Nice knawing you! Q: What did the llama say to his friend? A: Is your mama a llama? Q: What kind of animal does yoga? A: A Shangri-llama. Q: Why aren't llamas in rodeos? A: `Cause they ain't ticklish! Q: Why did the llama fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead Q: What's the diffrenece between llamas and alpacas? A: Alpacas have more dark meat! Q: What do guard llamas tell their sheep around the campfire at night? A: They tell each other scary llama stories. Llama Bar Jokes Lucky Llama I took a day off work and decided to go out golfing. On the second hole I noticed a Llama standing next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard the llama grunt, ""9 Iron"" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone and the llama grunted again ""9 Iron."" I looked at the llama and decided to prove him wrong, puts my other club away, and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the llama, ""Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky llama, eh?"" The llama reply's ""Lucky llama."" I decided to take the llama with me to the next hole. ""What do you think llama?"" I asked. ""3 wood."" I took out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. I was incredibly befuddled and didn't know what to say. By the end of the day, I golfed the best game of golf in my life and asks the llama, ""OK where to next?"" The llama grunted a reply, ""Las Vegas."" So, we go to ""Las Vegas and I say, ""OK llama, now what?"" The llama grunted, ""Roulette."" Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "" What do you think I should bet?"" The llama grunted, ""$3000, black 6."" Now, this is a thirty-six to one shot to win, but after the golf game, I figured what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. Once in the hotel room, I said ""Llama, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."" ""Just name it and it is yours."" The llama grunted, ""Kiss Me."" I figured why not, since after all the llama did for me, he deserves it. With a kiss, the llama turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "".... And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."" Religious Cowboy The devout South American cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a llama walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the llama's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the llama. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet llama walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my llama."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the llama falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a llama."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a llama sitting next to him. ""Are you a llama?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The llama replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a llama in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that llama?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the llama again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that llama to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a llama in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the llama because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
72,"2018-04-12 01:24:51","Lion Wants Beer Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A lion walked into a bar and demanded a beer. But the bartender said, ""I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve lions."" Then the lion said, ""Give me a beer, you stupid idiot."" And the bartender said, ""I'm sorry, we don't serve rude lions."" Then the lion shouted, ""GIVE ME A BEER, YOU STUPID IDIOT."" And the bartender said, ""I'm sorry, we don't serve rude, angry lions."" Then the lion said, ""OK, if you don't give me a beer, I'm going to eat that girl over there."" But the bartender said, ""Go ahead. I'm still not going to serve you."" So the lion went over and ate the girl. Then he came back and said, ""Right, you idiot, now give me a beer."" But the bartender said, ""I'm sorry, we don't serve rude, angry lions that are on drugs."" The lion said, ""Hey! I'm not on drugs!"" ""Well,"" said the bartender, ""you are now. That was a bar junkie you ate."""
73,"2018-04-12 01:24:54","Magic Frog Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. ""Doctor,"" he asked, in total frustration, ""is there anything you can do for me?"" The doctor replies, ""Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."" So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. ""Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, ""I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."" The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, ""Will you marry me?"" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, ""NO."" The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. ""WOW,"" he screamed out loud, ""this is great!"" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. ""Frog, will you marry me?"" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, ""NO!"" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, ""This is fantastic."" He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, ""Frog will you marry me?"" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, ""How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"""
74,"2018-04-12 01:24:57","Man With Penguin Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes There was a man and a penguin in a car and a police man saw them so he pulled the man over and told the man that he needed to bring that penguin to the zoo. So the man said certainly. The next day the police saw the man driving around with the penguin and pulled him over again, the police man said, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo. The man replied, I did but we had so much fun, so today we're going to the movies!"
75,"2018-04-12 01:25:00","Management Lesson Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ""Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"" The crow answered: ""Sure why not."" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. ""I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"" sighed the turkey, ""but I haven't got the energy. ""Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"" replied the bull. ""They're packed with nutrients."" The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, ""I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."" The feet said, "" We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, ""We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."" And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. Lesson Number Four A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him! Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!"
76,"2018-04-12 01:25:01","Marital Problems Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, ""I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"" The parrot says, ""With my penis, you dummy."" The guy is startled and says, ""You certainly talk well for a parrot."" The parrot says, ""Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."" The guy says, ""Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."" The parrot says, ""There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."" The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, ""Come in and shut the door."" The guy says, ""What's up?"" The parrot says, ""I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."" The guy says, ""Oh, a momentary flight of passion."" The parrot says, ""Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."" The guy says, ""He did??"" The parrot says, ""Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."" The guy says, ""My God, what happened next!?"" The parrot says, ""I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"""
77,"2018-04-12 01:25:04","Meerkat Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What does a lion call a meerkat? A: Fast Food. Q: Did you hear about the kitten who lived with a meerkat clan? A: They didn't realize she was a mere cat. Raise your hand if your more invested in Meerkat Manor family dynamics than your own. Q: How did Timon stop Pumbaa from charging him? A: He took away his credit cards. Two men raised Simba and he turned out just fine. Q: What do you call an Meerkat with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the Meerkat stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the Meerkat cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a Meerkat go ""roarrrr""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What's more amazing than a talking Meerkat? A: A spelling bee! The Wife A guy brings a Meerkat home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Meerkat walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Meerkates mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Meerkat. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Meerkat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Meerkat."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Meerkat falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Meerkat."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Meerkat sitting next to him. ""Are you a Meerkat?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Meerkat replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
78,"2018-04-12 01:25:09","Mink Coat Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. ""Show the lady your finest mink!"" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, ""Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."" ""No problem! I'll write you a check!"" ""Very good, sir."" says the shop owner. ""Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."" So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: ""How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"" ""I just had to come by,"" grinned the guy, ""to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"""
79,"2018-04-12 01:25:15","Mole Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Mole Short Jokes Q: Why is it bad to tell mole jokes? A: It's mole-itically incorrect Q: What is a mole's favorite movie? A: The Green Mole Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together? A: A chocolate Moledt Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class? A: Moletiplication Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer? A: Watermolens Q: How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole? A: Avocados number! Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see? A: A mole of molasses! Q: What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate? A: Marsh-mole-ows! Q: How does Avogadro write to his friends? A: By e-mole! Q: Why is Avogadro so rich? A: He's a multi-mole-ionare! Q: Why was there only one Avogadro? A: When they made him, they broke the Moled Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months? A: Moleonucleosis Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots? A: A bunch of Moleasses Q: What line from Shakespeare do high school moles have to memorize? A: ""To mole or not to mole, this is the question."" Q: How do moles finance their homes? A: With a molergage! Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream? A: Oil of Molay Q: What did one mole say to the other? A: We make great chemistry together. Q: Why did Avogadro stop going to a chiropractor on October 24th? A: He was only tense to the 23rd! Q: Why is Avogadro in love with Cindy Crawford? A: She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole). Q: What did the generous mole say when his friends crashed his party? A: The mole the merrier! Q: What is a mole's favorite television show? A: Molerose place Q: What is Avogadro's favorite day of the week? A: Moleday Q: How would you describe a stinky chemist? A: Mole-odorous Q: What kind of test do student moles like best? A: Mole-tiple choice. Q: How much does Avogadro exaggerate? A: He makes mountains out of mole hills Q: What element do moles love to study in chemistry? A: Molybdenum Q: What is Avogadro's favorite kind of music? A: Rock 'N' Mole Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together? A: A chocolate Molted Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog? A: He becomes Moleicious! Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most? A: Father Molecahy Q: What was Avogadro's favorite Indian tribe? A: The Molehawks Q: What are mammoles? A: Four-legged animoles! Q: Why cant Avogadro have pets. A: Because he will mole them. Three Moles There were three moles in a burrow. papa mole, mama mole, & baby mole. Papa mole sticks his head out the entrance, & says I smell maple syrup! Mama mole does the same thing, & says I smell honey! Baby mole in the back, says I smell mole-asses!!! Mole Day Dictionary Demoleition: The destruction which moles bring about in your yard. Dismole: being gloomy on Mole Day Imoleble: anything that does not have to do with a mole Mol: the symbol for mole Mole-mole: a mole double agent Molearchy: government in which moles are in complete control; under this government Mole Day is celebrated three times a year and chemistry is the only scientific subject taught in school Molebile: a mole which hangs from the ceiling; also a term describing anything which can move rapidly inderground Molect: the obsessive collection of Mole Day stuff including T-shirts, lawn decorations, pins, and endless other things Molectomy: the study of a mole's insides Molehill: a large hill made of dirt in your backyard, formed from moles borrowing underground; also a term used to describe anything that's pesky Moleism: the continual reverence of moles Molelaberate: working together on a project which includes moles Moleodic: a word describing the Mole Day songs which are played over the loudspeaker Moleskito: a tiny molelike creature with wings which drinks the blood of anyone who doesn't remember when Mole Day is Remoletly: obscurely having to do with a mole Remolte control: a devise used by moles to watch all their favorite television shows, such as Bill Nye the Science Guy and the Discovery Channel, particularly used by lazy papa moles Sophmole: anyone in the tenth grade who is taking Chemistry already Thermole: an adjective describing a mole of a highly explosive substance"
80,"2018-04-12 01:25:20","Monkey Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs? A: They slide down the banana-ster! Q: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips? A: A chipmunk. Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A monkey with a machine gun. Q: What kind of a key opens a banana? A: A monkey! Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A: Baboom! Q: Why did the monkey like the banana? A: Because it had appeal! Q: What do monkeys do for laughs? A: They tell jokes about people! Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A Chimp off the old block. Q: What do you tell a bad monkey? A: Stop chimping about. Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear? A: Anything you want, it can't hear you! Q: What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail? A: It won't be long now. Q: Where do monkeys go to drink? A: The monkey bars! Q: What do you call an angry monkey? A: Furious George. Q: Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree? A: He was a monkey's uncle. Q: What do you call a Chimpanzee that works in a bar? A: A Monkey Wench. Q: What do you call a monkey with a wizards hat and wand? A: Hairy potter Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree? A: Let the chimps fall where they may. Q: Did you hear about the awful jungle party? A: Somebody forgot to bring the chimps and dip. Q: Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail? A: To a retailer! Q: What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? A: The banana split! Q: Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle? A: There are too many cheetahs there! Q: Why shouldn't you get into a fight with a monkey? A: They use gorilla warfare. Q: What do you call a monkey that succeeds at every sport? A: A chimpion! Q: Where do chimps get their gossip? A: On the ape vine! Q: How do you get an escaped lion back into his habitat? A: With a bargaining chimp. Q: What do you call a restaurant that throws food in your face? A: a Monkey Business. Q: How do you catch a monkey? A: Climb a tree and act like a banana! Q: What did the monkey say. When he slide down the flag pole? A: Goodness gracious great balls of fire. Monkey see monkey do, Monkey pee monkies pooo. Hungry Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, ""Did you see what your monkey just did?"" The guy says, ""No, what?"" ""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!"", says the bartender. ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the patron. ""He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."" He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. ""Did you see what your monkey did now?"", he asks. ""Now what?"", responds the patron. ""Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"" says the barkeeper. ""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the patron. ""He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a monkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the monkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the monkey. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my monkey."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the monkey falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a monkey."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a monkey sitting next to him. ""Are you a monkey?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The monkey replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that monkey?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a monkey in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the monkey because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
81,"2018-04-12 01:25:24","Monkey Business Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes In a monkey business the better monkeys are at the top and the not as good monkey are at the bottom. The monkey at the top look down and see nothing but smiling faces, The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nuthing but ass holes"
82,"2018-04-12 01:25:30","Moose Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Moose Bar Jokes Two Hunters Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them, ""I`ll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?"" One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says, ""Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose."" One of the hunters replies, ""Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a `big` tip to take both moose out."" The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says, ""Where the heck are we?"" The other looks around and replies, ""About 200 yards further than we got last year!"" Bullwinkle In Portland, Maine a 500 pound moose jumped off an overpass on route I-95, falling 20 feet to it's death. Witnesses say they overheard the moose scream before jumping, ""Hey Rocky, watch me fly over this guardrail!"" Short Moose Jokes Q: What's the difference between a ska band and a moose? A: A moose has horns in the front and its asshole in the back! Q: What has antlers and sucks blood? A: A moose-quito! Q: What do you get when you cross a mouse and a deer? A: Mickey Moose Q: Why do moose have such big antlers? A: So they get better radio reception! Night of Drinking A man and his pet moose walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my moose."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the moose falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a moose."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a moose sitting next to him. ""Are you a moose?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The moose replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a moose in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the moose because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
83,"2018-04-12 01:25:35","Mosquito Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Who do you call when Zika mosquitoes attack? The SWAT team. What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect? The Masked-quito! What has antlers and sucks blood? A moose-quito! What is a mosquito's favorite sport? Skin-diving! What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die! Why are mosquitos religious? They prey on you! Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? To improve his bite! How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? You slap him and he slaps you back! What is the most religious insect? A mosque-ito! What has 6 legs, bits and talks in code? A morese-quito! What's the difference between a Blonde and a Mosquito? When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking. What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly? Try sewing buttons on a mosquito! What's the difference between a Mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly but a fly can't mosquito! Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a mosquito sitting next to him. ""Are you a mosquito?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The mosquito replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Knock knock Who's there? Amos Amos who? Amosquito Knock knock Who's there? Anna Anna who? Annother mosquito Boy Girl Mosquitoes Once a boy was killing mosquitoes. The Girl Asked Him ""How many mosquitoes have you killed?"" He replied ""3 female and 2 male."" She asked ""How did you know that they were male or female?"" He replied:""3 were siting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill."""
84,"2018-04-12 01:25:39","Moth Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes What's the biggest moth in the world? A mammoth! What is a myth? A female moth! What do insects learn at school? Mothmatics! Why was the moth so unpopular? He kept picking holes in everything! Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet? He wanted to see the floor show! What's pretty, delicate and carries a sub machine gun? A killer butterfly! What do you call a moth that won't leave you alone? Moth-erly What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe! Where do moths come from? Moth-erland What do you get when you cross a bee, Hercules, and a moth? A Behemoth I felt so guilty after I stepped on a moth this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a moth sitting next to him. ""Are you a moth?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The moth replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
85,"2018-04-12 01:25:43","Mouse Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs. What's a mouse's least favorite record? What's up Pussycat! Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak! What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'! What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'! What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair! What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse. What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese! What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and squeak! What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies! What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights? A mouseketeer! What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella. What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse! What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'! What goes eek, eek, bang? A mouse in a minefield! What squeaks as it solves crimes? Miami mice! What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes! Why was the mouse afraid of the water? Catfish. What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice! What kind of car does a mouse drive? A mini van How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower? Squeaky clean! What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser! Who is king of all the mice? Mouse Tse Tung! What is small, has a long tail and works with the police? A gerbil shepherd dog! What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache! Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment! What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code! Q: What does the mouse say to its mate? A: ""Were like crackers and cheese"" Q: What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? A: Mice too meet you. What's a mouse's favorite record? Please cheese me! What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich! What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers. What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir! How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party! Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose! How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a mouse walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the mouse's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the mouse. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet mouse walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my mouse."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the mouse falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a mouse."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a mouse sitting next to him. ""Are you a mouse?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The mouse replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
86,"2018-04-12 01:25:49","Movie Studio Goats Joke","Back to: Animal Jokes Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, ""Pretty good, huh?"" The second goat says, ""Yeah... but it's not as good as the book."""
87,"2018-04-12 01:25:54","Orangutan Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a monkey who works in a call centre? A: A who-rang-utang! Q: What do you call a monkey who can't hear the telephone and who has a wife called Tang? A: Who-rang-o-tang! Q: What did the orangutan say to the chimp? A: Ginger's the new black! Q: What's white and swings through the trees? A: A meranguetan! Q: What is a orangutan's favorite cookie? A: Chocolate chimp! How did Gertie Orangutan win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show! How do you prepare a Orangutan sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae! What did George Washington have to do with Orangutans? As little as possible, dummy! What do you feed a 600 pound Orangutan? Anything it wants! What does a Orangutan attorney study? The Law of the jungle! What does a Orangutan learn first in school? The Apey-cees! What gives a orangutan good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school! What happens if you cross a parrot with a Orangutan? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen! What's orange, brown and white, orange, brown and white, brown and white, etc.? An Orangutan riding down a snowbank! What is as big as an orangutan but weighs nothing? Its shadow! When did the Orangutans start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers! Which author do the Orangutans love most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!' Which drink makes a Orangutan feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour! Which technique does a Orangutan borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug! Who is the Orangutans' favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman! Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Orangutans during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare! Why did the actor fire his Orangutan agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite! Why did the female Orangutan, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it! Why did the Orangutan fail English? He had little Ape-titude! Why do waiters like Orangutans better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Orangutan in my soup!' Q: Why do orangutans have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers. How do you make a Orangutan laugh? Tell it a whale of a tale! How do you make a Orangutan float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Orangutan! Q: Why don't the orangutans in the jungle play poker any more? A: There are just too many Cheetahs. Q: Why are orangutans so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo! How did a Orangutan come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You!' Q: Why do orangutans have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers! Q: Why did the orangutan fall out of the tree? A: It was dead. Q: What do orangutans do when they're mad at each other? A: They have a Gorilla war! Q: Why did the orangutan go to the doctor? A: Because his banana wasn't peeling very well! Q: What should you do if you find a orangutan sitting at your school desk? A: Sit somewhere else! Q: What's a orangutan's favourite drink? A: A sas-gorilla. Q: How do orangutans get down the stairs? A: They slide down the banana-ster! Q: What do orangutans do when they go mad? A: Go bananas! Q: What do you call a orangutan playing quidditch? A: A hairy potter!! Q: What's a orangutans's favourite pop group? A: Bananarama! Q: What is a orangutans's favourite toy? A: A Bab-boom-orang! Q: What sort of key does a orangutan need to open a banana? A: A monk-key! Q: Where do orangutans like to get their hair cut? A: Vidal Baboon! Q: What's a orangutans favourite music band? A: The Gorillaz! Q: What did the banana say to the orangutan? A: Nothing, bananas don't talk! Night of Drinking A man and his pet orangutan walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my orangutan."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the orangutan falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a orangutan."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a orangutan sitting next to him. ""Are you a orangutan?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The orangutan replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a orangutan in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the orangutan because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
88,"2018-04-12 01:25:59","Otter Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's the difference between a pizza and an otter? A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven. Q: What do you call the loose skin around the vagina? A: An otter Q: What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? A: An otter fortune cookie Q: What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A: A little (h)otter Q: An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? A: Animal Control Q: How do you save a drowning otter? A: Take your foot of its head Q: Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? A: Yes he's a rabid fan. Q: Why do otters stink? A: So blind people can hate them too. Q: Where do otters keep their money? A: In the river bank! Q: What do you call a kids book about otters? A: Harry Otter. Q: What kind of car does an otter drive? A: A Furrari. Q: How does an otter get into an honest business? A: Usually through the skylight. Q: What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What do you drive in a river? A: An otter-mobile. Q: What did the grape say when the otter stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the otter cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a otter go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Husband & Wife A husband and wife are driving home and run over a otter, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says ""Put it between your legs to warm it up"" Wife replies ""But its all wet and it stinks!"" Husband says ""Well hold its nose!"". Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a otter walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the otter's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the otter. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of otters. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with otters in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of otters, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these otters to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a BB gun in one hand and a otter in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet otter walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my otter."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the otter falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a otter."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a otter sitting next to him. ""Are you a otter?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The otter replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
89,"2018-04-12 01:26:05","Owl Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy: Who? Q: What do you call an owl magician? A: Hoooooo-dini Q: Why did the owl, owl? A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er! Q: What do you call an owl caught in the act? A: Spotted! Q: What do you call a baby owl swimming? A: A moist-owlette Q: What did the grape say when the Owl stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens? A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl! Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster? A: Pearls of Wisdom Q: When does a Owl go ""mooooo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Why did the Owl invite his friends over? A: He didn't want to be Owl by himself. Q: What do Barn Owl's serve at parties? A: Mush'Shrew'ms, 'Vole'avaunts and Micecream! Q: What's more amazing than a talking Owl? A: A spelling bee! Q: What do you call an owl with a sore throat? A: A bird that doesn't give a hoot! Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and an owl? A: Meowls. Q: What did mama owl say to bay owl? A: You go and play dear, Owl watch from hear. Q: What do you call an Owl that serves hot wings? A: Hooters. Q: What do you call an owl get together? A: A HOO-tenanny Q: Where do you go for a good time? A: Owl City. Q: What do you call a Owl with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: Did you hear the one about the owl? A: It was a hoot. Q: What is a birds favorite Beatles song? A: Owl you need is love. Q: What is an owls favorite book? A: Horton hears a whoot. Q: What do owls sing when it is raining? A: 'Too wet to woo'! Q: What do you call a magic owl? A: HOODINI Q: What do you call an owl with a deep voice? A: A growl! Q: What do you call an owl with armor? A: A Knight Owl You looking at me? Owl kill you. I've been thinking about you...Owl night long. YOLO! (You Obviously Like Owls) Owl get you! Knock Knock Who's there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later. Knock Knock Who's there? Owls! Owls who? Yelp, they do. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Hoo. Hoo who? You talk like an owl! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Owl walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Owls mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the Owl. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet Owl walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Owl."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Owl falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a Owl."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Owl sitting next to him. ""Are you a Owl?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The Owl replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
90,"2018-04-12 01:26:08","Panda Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Short Panda Jokes Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white? A: A panda rolling down a hill. Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: A sunburnt panda. Q: Why do pandas have fur coats? A: Because they'd look stupid in denim jackets. Q: Why do pandas like old movies? A: Because they're in black and white. Q: What do chinese bears eat for breakfast? A: Panda-cakes! Q: What's a Chinese bear's favorite expendable organ? A: The panda-creas! Q: Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo? A: It was Panda-monium. Q: What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands? A: Peter Panda. Q: What do Chinese bears wear around their face when they're robbing banks? A: Pandana! Q: How did the panda lose his dinner? A: He was ""Bamboozled""! Q: Why did the panda date a Victoria Secret model? A: She had really big bamboobs. Q: What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat? A: This is un-BEAR-able Q: What's black and white and as hard as a rock? A: A panda that's fallen in cement. Q: What's black and white and goes round and round? A: A panda stuck in a revolving door. Q: Did you hear about the Pandas that were in a food fight? A: They all got Bambooboos Q: What goes white black white black white black red? A: A panda that falls from a cliff. Q: How many Pandas does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The Pandas will get back to you on that, as soon as they can find a store that sells clothing in lightbulb sizes. I love Pandas, they're so chill. They're like ""Dude, racism is stupid. I'm White, Black, and Asian....."" I asked a Panda if he was my friend. He said ""Just Bearly"". Panda Bar Jokes Panda Dinner Etiquette A Panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it. After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door. ""Why did you do that?"" hollered the confused waitress. Looking back over his shoulder the panda says ""I'm a panda"". ""Look it up in the dictionary."" The waitress locates the dictionary on her bosses desk and searches for the definition of panda bear. Finding it she reads, ""Panda Bear - A large black and white bear like mammal native to the far east. Eats shoots and leaves."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet panda walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my panda."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the panda falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a panda."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a panda sitting next to him. ""Are you a panda?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The panda replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature panda in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that panda?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the panda again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that panda to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
91,"2018-04-12 01:26:14","Parrot Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie. Q: What figure describes a lost parrot? A: A polygon! Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark? A: A bird that talks your ear off! Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly? A: Send him to polytechnic! Q: What do you call a parrot that doesn't eat? A: A polynomeal (polynomial) Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark? A: an animal that talks your head off. Q: What is a parrot's favorite game? A: Hide and Speak! Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a tiger? A: I don't know, but when it talks you better listen carefully. Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated! Q: What's smarter than a talking parrot? A: A spelling bee Foul Mouthed Parrot This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, "" Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?"" Burglar A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, ""Jesus is watching you."" He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He heard again, ""Jesus is watching you."" This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, ""Did you say that?"" The parrot admitted that he had. ""I'm just trying to warn you, is all."" The burglar sad, ""Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?"" ""Moses."" ""Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"" The bird answered, ""I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler ""Jesus'""........ Night of Drinking A man and his pet parrot walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my parrot."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the parrot falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a parrot."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a parrot sitting next to him. ""Are you a parrot?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The parrot replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature parrot in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that parrot?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the parrot again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that parrot to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" Pet Shop One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs 5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's 10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''"
92,"2018-04-12 01:26:17","Penguin Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: Whats a penguins favorite relative? A: Aunt Arctica! Q: What do penguins eat for lunch? A: Ice-burgers! Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert? A: Lost! Q: Where do penguins go swimming? A: At the South Pool! Q: How do Penguins drink their cola? A: On the rocks. Q: What's black and white and goes round and around? A: A Penguin in a revolving door. Q: What do penguins wear on their heads? A: Ice caps. Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree? A: Because they don't wanna fall out. Q: What do Penguins like to eat? A: Brrrrrrrritos. Q: Who is a Penguin's favourite pop star? A: Seal. Q: What's black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white? A: A penguin rolling down a hill Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night? A: Starfish. Q: Where do penguins keep their money? A: In a snow bank! Q: Why don't Penguins like rock music? A: They only like sole. Q: Whats black and white and red all over? A: a penguin on a rampage Q: What do you call a happy penguin? A: a Pen-Grin! Q: What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other? A: Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder. Q: What did Morgan Freeman say when Penguins told him they liked March of the Penguins? A: Why the hell was I narrating it if Penguins can talk Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks? A: Because they haven't got any pockets. Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday? A: Freeze a jolly good fellow. Q: Were do penguins get money from? A: A fishbank. Q: What is black and white and red all over? A: A burnt penguin! Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: An embarrassed penguin. Q: Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)? A: Its a whale of a tale Yo mamma so fat even penguins are jealous of the way she waddles. Religious Zookeeper The devout zookeeper lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out at the zoo. Three weeks later, a penguin walked up to him carrying the Bible in its beak. The zookeeper couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the penguin's beak, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the penguin. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Gas Station A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing thisthe clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, ""What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"" The man in the car says, ""I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."" The clerk ponders a bit then says, ""You should take them to the zoo."" ""Yeah, that's a good idea,"" says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. ""Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"" ""Oh, I did,"" says the driver, ""and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a penguin sitting next to him. ""Are you a penguin?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The penguin replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" The Mechanic A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: ""I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"" The mechanic looks at him and says ""Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so."" The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! (Penguins just LOVE Ice cream.) So he says ""OK I'll be back."" He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream. He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says ""Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?"" ""Well"" replies the mechanic ""looks like you blew a seal."" The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says ""OH NO, that's just ice cream!"""
93,"2018-04-12 01:26:19","Pig Jokes (Warthog, Boar)","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a pig thief? A: A hamburglar. Q: How do pigs write top secret messages? A: With invisible oink! Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? A: Pulled-Pork Q: What is a pig's favorite color? A: Mahogany! Q: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A: A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio. Q: What do you call a pig with no legs? A: A groundhog. Q: Why was the pig ejected from the football game? A: For playing dirty. Yesterday a pig invited me to see his new home. Actually it was quite stylish. Q: Why did the pig cross the road? A: He got BOARed. Q: Who is the smartest pig in the world? A: Ein- swine Q: How do you take a sick pig to the hospital? A: In an hambulance! Q: What do you call a pig that drives recklessly? A: A road hog. Q: What do you call a pig with laryngitis? A: Disgruntled. Q: What did the pig say when he was sick? A: ""Call the hambulance!"" Q: What do pigs get when they're ill? A: Oinkment! Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: Porkchop! Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus? A: a porky-pine Q: What do you call a pig that won the lottery? A: Filthy rich! What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A: A pig tail! Q: What do you call it when you cross a dinosaur and a pig? A: Jurassic pork! Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur? A: A porkasaurus rex! Q: What happened to the pig who lost its voice? A: It became disgruntled! Q: What happened when the pig pen broke? A: The pigs had to use a pencil! Q: Which magazine does the Big Bad Wolf like to read? A: ""Porks Illustrated!"" Q: What do you call a pig with a rash? A: Ham and Eczema Q: Why did it take the pig hours to cross the road? A: Because he was a slow-pork! Q: Why did the farmer call his pig ink? A: Because it always ran out of the pen! Q: What do you get when a pig mixed two colors? A: pigment Q: What did the piglet want from the swine? A: A piggyback ride. Q: Why should you never tell a pig a secret? A: Because they love to squeal! Q: Where do pigs get together? A: The meet market. Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig? A: Lawrence of Poland. Q: How do you make a pig squeal? A: Kick your step mum in the FACE! Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A: A woman that won't do what she's told. Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease? A: Because men are pigs Q: What do you call a pig thats wrong? A: Mistaken bacon. Q: Where can a pig see the statue of Liberty? A: New pork city. Q: What do you call a pig that likes to take off her clothes? A: Bacon strips. Q: What do Bad Piggies like to do? A: Squeal the spotlight. Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise? A: A slow-pork. What do you call a pig that's not fun to be around? A boar. Where do flying pigs go? Hogworts Q: What do you call a black pig standing in the hot sun all day? A: Smoked Sausage What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs. Q: How do you stop a warthog from charging? A: Take away his credit card! Q: What would happen if pigs could fly? A: The price of bacon would go skyrocket. Q: What happens when you put a pig in a musical? A: It squeals the show. Why did the farmer make the pigs do the paperwork? Because it was grunt work. What do you call a trendy pig? Calvin Swine. Do you want to hear a dirty joke? A pig fell in the mud. Do you want to hear a clean joke? A pig took a bath. Spell pig backwards g i p get it g i pee If you eat like a pig, sweat like a pig, and squeal like a pig, then you must taste like bacon. Glass Of Lemonade One little pig walked into a bar one day and asked the bartender for a glass of lemonade then he asked where the toilet was the bartender said ""Down the hall to the left straight ahead"". Then another pig walked into the bar and asked the bartender for a glass of lemonade then he asked where the toilet was once again the bartender said ""Down the hall to the left straight ahead"". Another pig walked into the bar and asked for a glass of lemonade and then the bartender asked ""Don't you want to know where the toilet is"". ""No I'm the little pig that went wewewe all the way home"". Bartender A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Barman says ""Worry we don't serve pigs in here,"" The lady says ""Its not a pig its a duck"" The barman says ""I am talking to the duck."" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a pig walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the pig's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the pig. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet pig walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my pig."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the pig falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a pig."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a pig sitting next to him. ""Are you a pig?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The pig replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Cold Winter In the winter a man says to his wife: ""Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there."" ""But it stinks"", says the wife to which the husband replies: ""He will get used to it!"" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a pig in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that pig?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the pig again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that pig to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
94,"2018-04-12 01:26:23","Platypus Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Bartender The platypus went into a bar. He bought two sodas. ""That'll be $2.50, please"" said the bartender. ""Just put it on my bill"" said the platypus. Shrimp A platypus walks into a bar and tells the bartender,""Got any shrimp?"" The bartender says ,""No, now go away!."" The platypus walks in to the bar again and says, ""Got any shrimp?"" The bartender says,""No and if you ask me that one more time I'll staple your webbed feet into the floor!"" The platypus walks into the bar again and says,""Do you have any staples?"" And the bartender says,""No."" Then the platypus says,""Got any shrimp?"" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of platypus'. He pulls the guy over and says... ""You can't drive around with platypus' in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."" The guy says ""OK""... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of platypus', and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... ""I thought I told you to take these platypus' to the zoo yesterday?"" The guy replies... ""I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a platypus in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Q: Why did the platypus cross the road? A: To show the possum that it could be done. Q: What do you get when you cross a toilet and a platypus? A: A potty-pus Q: Why did the platypus catch the bus? A: Because he didn't want to walk. Q: What do you call a platypus at the playboy mansion? A: Platypussy Q: What did the grape say when the platypus stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: When does a platypus go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a platypus that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: What do you get if you cross a platypus with a night club? A: A Party-pus. Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller? A: Splatterpus Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with 8 tenticles? A: An octa-pus. Q: How did the platypus politician calm the crowd? A: He gave them platy-tudes. Q: Why did the platypus cross the road? A: Because he felt like fried chicken Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus and a long division problem? A: A Mathypus. Q: Why didn't the platypus pay the taxi driver? A: Because he only had a one-dollar-bill! Q: Why did the platypus cross the road? A: Because there was free food on the other side. Q: What did the platypus eat at the football match? A: A platy pie. Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road? A: Because he wanted to see his flat mate. Q: What do get when a platypus crosses the road? A: You get a flatypus. Q: What do you call a platypus who likes to do the patti-cake? A: A patti-pus. Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road? A: Because it wanted to eat the chicken. Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road? A: Because it was in the wrong joke. Q: Why did the crayfish cross the road? A: To get away from the platypus. Q: Why did the platypus go to the power plant? A: To eat the Y2K bug. Q: Why did the platypus cross the road? A: Because he couldn't find KFC. Q: What does a platypus eat off of? A: A platter-puss. Q: Why did the platypus cross the road? A: To get away from all the people who wrote these other bad platypus jokes. Q: What was the platypus's favourite James Bond movie? A: Platypussy. Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with a scruffy old tom cat? A: A duck billed tatty pus. Q: Why did the platypus cross the road? A: He wanted to beat the chicken. Q: What do you get when a platypus falls off a ten story building? A: A Splattypus! Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus and a lady? A: A girl platypus! Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with a king-sized dinner? A: A fatty-pus. Q: What do you get if you cross a hungry cat with roast duck? A: A duck-filled-fatty-puss! Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road? A: Because it was taped to the chicken! Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road? A: Because the chicken was on holiday! Q: What do you call a deep fried platypus? A: A battered-pus"
95,"2018-04-12 01:26:25","Polar Bear Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What to polar bears eat for lunch? A: Ice berg-ers! Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags? A: ""Sandwiches!"" Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear? A: A seal in each paw! Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo? A: ""Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside - with a nice chewy center!"" Q: Why shouldn't you take polar bears to the zoo? A: Because they'd rather go to the movies. Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth? A: The dentist. Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A: A polar bear. Q: What do polar bears like to eat? A: Brrrrrrrritos. Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain? A: Drizzly bears. Q: Why don't polar bears like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: What do you call a polar bear on thin ice? A: an ice breaker Q: Why did the bear dissolve in water? A: Because it was polar. Q: What has four legs and a flipper? A: A happy polar bear! Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR? A: It just presses the ""paws"" button. Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging? A: Insist that it pay cash! Q: What did the polar bear put on the sign when seals were very scarce? A: ""Tourists Welcome!"" Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you? A: A bitemare! Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold? A: A ""brrr""-""grrr""! Q: Why did the polar bear cross the road? A: to get some bearrys Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals? A: ""I think I'd like a salad!"" Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard? A: ""Meals on Wheels!"" Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear? A: Don't call it anything - just RUN! Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs? A: Call it anything you want - it can't hear you. Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear? A: When it's in a ""grizzly"" mood. Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets? A: They live on ice! Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose? A: I'm not sure - but I wouldn't try smelling it! Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens? A: Things get worse! Q: Who is a polar bears favorite pop star? A: Seal. Q: What is furry and minty? A: A polo bear! Q: Where do you find polar bears? A: It depends on where you lost them. Q: Why do polar bears like bald men? A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh...bare) place! Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal? A: A bear faced lyre! Q: Did you hear about the pinniped that became friends with a polar bear? A: His fate was sealed. Q: What did the polar bear say to itself when the hunter was shooting at it? A: ""Hey! He's SHOOTING at me! Do I know this guy? Think! Think!"" Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator? A: It's easy - just open the door. Polar bears like cold places. Q: What do polar bears sing on a birthday? A: Freeze a jolly good fellow. I saw a polar bear eat something but my lips are sealed. Nobody's sane, anymore. I went to the zoo and saw a Bi-polar Bear! Religious Eskimo The devout eskimo lost his favorite Bible while he was ice fishing. Three weeks later, a baby polar bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The eskimo couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the polar bear's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the baby polar bear. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet polar bear walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my polar bear."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the polar bear falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a polar bear."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a polar bear sitting next to him. ""Are you a polar bear?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The polar bear replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby polar bear in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that polar bear?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the polar bear again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that polar bear to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her ""How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"" The teacher said ""I don't know, how?"" Jacob then said ""You open the door and put it in there!"" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question ""How do you put a polar bear in the fridge?"" The teacher then replied ""Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"" Jacob said ""No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."" Then he asked another question...""All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"" The teacher a bit confused and said ""The lion?"" Then the student said ""No,the polar bear because he's still in the fridge."" then he asked her just one more question....""If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"" The teacher then says ""You would walk over the bridge."" Then Jacob says ""No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"" She laughs and walks away."
96,"2018-04-12 01:26:31","Porcupine Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine! Q: What do you call an Porcupine with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the Porcupine stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus? A: a porky-pine Q: Why did the Porcupine cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a porcupine? A: An animal that knits its own sweaters Q: When does a Porcupine go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a Porcupine that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a porcupine walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the porcupine's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the porcupine. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a porcupine in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" African Porcupine ""What's the difference between the United States porcupine and the African porcupine,"" the society matron asked the zookeeper. ""The principal difference is the United States species has a longer prick."" This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, ""Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the United States species has a longer 'quill'. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."" Night of Drinking A man and his pet porcupine walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my porcupine."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the porcupine falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a porcupine."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a porcupine sitting next to him. ""Are you a porcupine?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The porcupine replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
97,"2018-04-12 01:26:36","Primate Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do baby apes sleep in? A: Ape-ricots! Q: What did the Gorilla call his first wife? A: His prime-mate! Q: Why do primates do so well in show biz? A: Put any Ape in the spotlight - and monkeyshines! Q: What do monkeys eat for dessert? A: Meringue-utans! Q: What do you call a flying primate? A: A hot air baboon! Q: What do you call a naughty monkey? A: A badboon! Q: What do you call an exploding monkey? A: A baBOOM! Q: What is a monkey's favorite cookie? A: Chocolate chimp! Q: What kind of monkey flies to school? A: A hot air baboon. Q: What's the first thing an ape learns in school? A: The ape b c's! Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky? A: During ape-ril showers. Q: Where does a monkey cook his toast ? A: Under a gorilla! Q: Which sea will make you go ape? A: The chimpan-sea! Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State building? A: Because he couldn't fit in the elevator! Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers!"
98,"2018-04-12 01:26:39","Rabbit Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do rabbits say before they eat? A: Lettuce pray. Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it! Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses! Q: What airline do rabbits use? A: British Hare-ways! Q: What's the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? A: One is a fit bunny, and the other's a bit funny! Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? A: Deviled eggs! Q: What did the rabbit give his girlfriend? A: A 14 carrot ring! Q: What did the rabbits do after their wedding? A: They went on their bunnymoon! Q: What do rabbits put in their computers? A: Hoppy disks! Q: What do you call 99 rabbits stepping backwards? A: A receding hare line! Q: What do you call a happy rabbit? A: An Hop-timist. Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A: A chili dog on a bun! Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot? A: It's been nice gnawing at you. Q: What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A: A hare-cut. Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit? A: He was a millionhare! Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor? A: Rabbit De Niro! Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball? A:Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan! Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A: A hare dryer! Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit? A: Bugs Bunny! Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair? A: A hairless hare! Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken? A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg! Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A: A hot cross bunny! Q: What is a rabbit's favorite dance style? A: Hip-Hop! Q: What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? A: Two rabbits on Rollerblades! Q: What's a rabbit's favorite game? A: Hopscotch! Q: What's the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the A: Rabbit Hood. Q: Where do rabbits work? A: At IHOP restaurants! Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? A: Because from a distance they looked like hares! Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house? A: She was fed up with the hole thing! Q: Why did the bunny cross the road? A: He wanted to prove he could hip hop! Q: Why did the bunny say to the duck? A: You quack me up! Q: Where do rabbits learn how to fly? A: In the hare force! Q: Why don't rabbits get hot in the summertime? A: They have hare conditioning! Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it! Q: how do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way, unique up on it! Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. Q: Why did the rabbit like the adventure? A: It was a ""hare-raising tail"" Q: How do you know a rabbit is in a good mood? A: He's hoppy Q: What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? A: The fast and the furriest. Q: How do frogs & rabbits settle their disputes? A: They play hopscotch! Q: What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? A: The police had to comb the area. What do you call a bunny transformer? Hop-timus Prime. Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit? A: Do you want to grab a bite? Night of Drinking A man and his pet rabbit walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my rabbit."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the rabbit falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a rabbit."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a rabbit sitting next to him. ""Are you a rabbit?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The rabbit replied, ""Well, I liked the book."" Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a huge rabbit in the front seat. ""What are you doing with that rabbit?"" He exclaimed, ""You should take it to the zoo."" The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the rabbit again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. ""I thought you were going to take that rabbit to the zoo!"" The man replied, ""I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"""
99,"2018-04-12 01:26:41","Raccoon Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call an Raccoon with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the Raccoon stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the Raccoon cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: What kind of car does a raccoon drive? A: A Furrari. Q: When does a Raccoon go ""moo""? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Why did the racoon sleep under the car? A: Because he wanted to wake up oily Q: What do you call a Raccoon that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! The Wife A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , ""Where are you going to keep it?"" He repies , ""In the bedroom."" ""But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. ""I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a raccoon walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the raccoon's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, ""It's a miracle!"" ""Not really,"" said the raccoon. ""Your name is written inside the cover."" Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a raccoon in the other. ""Now Listen here,"" the policeman said, ""Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"" ""In that case,"" said the boy. ""I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"" Night of Drinking A man and his pet raccoon walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my raccoon."" The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the raccoon falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: ""Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."" To which the man replies: ""That's not a lion, that's a raccoon."" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a raccoon sitting next to him. ""Are you a raccoon?"" asked the man, surprised. ""Yes."" ""What are you doing at the movies?"" The raccoon replied, ""Well, I liked the book."""
100,"2018-04-12 01:26:45","Rat Jokes","Back to: Animal Jokes Short Rat Jokes Q: What did one lab rat say to the other? A: I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack. Q: What does a twelve-pound rat say to a cat? A: 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'! Q: What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? A: Mice Krispies! Q: What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights? A: A mouseketeer! Q: What did the rat say when his friend broke his front teeth? A: Hard cheese! Q: Where do you go to replace a rat's tail? A: A re-tail store! Q: What is a rats favorite game? A: Hide and squeak! Q: What do you call a person with only two rats? A: Newbie! Q: How do you know your rat is hungry? A: He's breathing. Rat Bar Jokes Attorneys The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do. The Rat and the Frog A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, ""If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"" The Barkeep says ""Depends on how good of a trick it is."" The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, ""If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"" The barkeep says ""If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night.""The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."" Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, ""I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."" The drunks says ""not for sale"". The agent says, ""Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat.""The drunk say, ""deal"" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, ""Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"" The Drunk says, ""Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist"" Three Rats Three rats are sitting at the bar talking and bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, ""I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"" The second says, ""Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"" Then the third rat gets up and says, ""Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."""