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joke.id | joke.ts | joke.title | joke.content |
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301 | 2018-04-12 01:39:13 | Cruise Ship Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde girl is geting on a cruise ship but she promised her mom that she would call her when she got on. When she pulls out her phone, she drops her phone in the water. She finds the captain and pleads with him "Please sir i'll do anything to call my mom". The captin answers "anything?, follow me" with an eye brow raised. He takes her to his bunker and locks the door behind them. he unzips his zipper and says "Go ahead". She holds his thing in her hands. gets very close. and says "Mama can you hear me?" |
302 | 2018-04-12 01:39:19 | Date With Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at lover's point where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "No!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "No!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. "No!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he demands, "Well why not?" "Because I want to stay up here with you!" |
303 | 2018-04-12 01:39:20 | Death Row Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Three women are on death row in Utah (death penalty by firing squad) and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....." Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The blonde shouts, "Fire!" |
304 | 2018-04-12 01:39:25 | Dentist Visit Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms" |
305 | 2018-04-12 01:39:29 | Deputy Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes The local Sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven", she replies. The Sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!" "What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks. "Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers. The Sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him. "Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her. The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" |
306 | 2018-04-12 01:39:31 | Diet Coke Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side. "'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud. "Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?" |
307 | 2018-04-12 01:39:33 | Dirty Blonde Jokes Popular Pick DisneyLand Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She screws you two nights in a row. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: To keep their ankles warm. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology? A: She'll blow your mind, too. Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy. Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? A: Who cares? Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde? A: She screams her own name when she comes Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A: Her crayons are still sticky. Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde? A: She wants 8 (ate) more. Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch. Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex? A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees? A: Come. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh? A: She wanted a lot of male in her box Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall? A: A brick walls only been laid once Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Walks Home Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Because she blows the horn! Q: How can you tell a blonde"s been in your fridge? A: There is lipstick on the cucumber. Q: How do blondes play Russian Roulette? A: They jack six dicks until one gets a facial. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels. Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store? A: They are both 10? a screw! Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme! Q: Why does a blond whistle when she pees? A: So she knows what lips to whipe! Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A: A blowjob with handlebars Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the belt buckle impression on her forehead. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress after reading her name tag? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything? A: Penicillin. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18. There was a giant cock and a blonde woman on a farm. The cock said to the blonde "Lets have kids." The blonde agreed and ten minutes later the cock found her screwing their goat. Dirty Blonde One Liners Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? Every time I see a brunette I think, "Bitch please. My straightener is hotter than you." If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today. I wanna have sex with Kesha because there would just be so much glitter and blonde hair everywhere Dirty Blonde Bar Jokes A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?" A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms" |
308 | 2018-04-12 01:39:38 | Driving Blonde Jokes | Back to: Blonde Jokes One Liners Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working? A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee' Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license? A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat. Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen? A: FarFromThinking Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an "F" in sex. |
310 | 2018-04-12 01:39:43 | Escaped Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!" |
311 | 2018-04-12 01:39:46 | Father of Two Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says ''Alright. Who's the other father!'' |
312 | 2018-04-12 01:39:48 | Fifty Days Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Five Blondes walk into a bar a sit down at a table.After a few minutes they stand up and give each other high fives,and shout "50 days\" \"fifty days\".The bar tender wonders what was that all about.He goes over to the table and says \"what are you celebrating?\"One of the blonds says "we bought a jigsaw puzzle and on the box it said 2 to 4 years and we did it in 50 days. |
313 | 2018-04-12 01:39:53 | Fireman Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead. "No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!" "OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..." |
314 | 2018-04-12 01:39:55 | First Class Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica." |
315 | 2018-04-12 01:39:57 | Flying Lessons Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde was taking on-line flying lessons. It was time for her to take her flying test. The instructor told her to go up 1000 feet and radio back. Then he instructed her to go up to 2000 feet and radio back. Again, he instructed her to go up to 3000 feet and radio back. She took the helicopter up to 1000 feet and radioed back. She was doing well, so she went on up to 2000 feet and radioed back. Still doing well, she went on up to 3000 feet. This time she crashed in the field. The instructor asked her what happened when he got to her. The blonde said, "When I got to 3000 feet, I got cold so I turned off the big fan." |
316 | 2018-04-12 01:39:58 | Gates of Heaven Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes So a blonde, redhead and a brunnette die and St Peter at the gates of heaven said "If you want to get to heaven you have to pass the 100 steps of jokes without laughing." So the redhead gets to the 24th step and laughs so she goes to hell. The brunnette gets to the 66th step and laughs (and goes to hell) So the blonde gets to the 99th step and laughs St Peter then says "This was the worst joke and you were so close why did you laugh?" And the blonde says "I just got the first joke!" |
317 | 2018-04-12 01:39:59 | Girl In The Mirror Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it. "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person before." The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it and says, "Of course you do. It's me!" |
318 | 2018-04-12 01:40:03 | Goldfish Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?" |
319 | 2018-04-12 01:40:08 | Guessing Game Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde got tired of everyone treating her like she was dumb so she decided to dye her hair brown. She went out and about in the world to prove that she was smart. She came upon a sheep farmer and thought it would make the perfect opportunity to show off her brains. The now brunette blonde asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could correctly guess how many sheep there were. The farmer looked at his sheep that were jumping and running about and thought to himself "that would be impossible" so he allowed her to guess. After a few minutes, the woman correctly guessed the number at 129. The farmer was amazed so he let her pick one of the sheep. The woman walked into the middle of the heard, picked up a fuzzy little critter and walked back to the farmer. The farmer smiled at her and said "If I can correctly guess what color your hair is can I have my dog back?" |
320 | 2018-04-12 01:40:10 | Handy Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |
321 | 2018-04-12 01:40:13 | Happily Married Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?" |
322 | 2018-04-12 01:40:17 | Happy Birthday Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 25!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'" |
323 | 2018-04-12 01:40:19 | Head and Shoulders Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?" |
324 | 2018-04-12 01:40:24 | Head Phoney Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde went to a hair salon one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..." Breath in...Breath out...Breath in...Breath out..." |
325 | 2018-04-12 01:40:25 | Help Us Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!" |
326 | 2018-04-12 01:40:30 | Highway Cop Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts trying to get out of the child-proofed locks car. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde: "Oh... I guess that means we just got off of highway 129". |
327 | 2018-04-12 01:40:35 | Hitchhiking Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes An attractive Russian blonde was hitch hiking. A trucker pulled over and offered her a ride. When the blonde got in the cab, she saw all the CB equipment that the driver had installed. She asked the driver, "What's that?" The driver explained that it was CB equipment and with it, he could contact anyone in the world. The hiker exclaimed, "Anybody in the world!!?? You mean, you could reach my Mother in Russia with that equipment??" The driver said that she could and the blonde replied, "Gee, I'd do anything for you if you'd contact my Mother. I really miss her." So the driver pulled the rig over to the side of the road and proceeded to unzip his pants and haul "it" out. The Russia blonde looked at "it" for a minute, confused, then leaned over, took "it" in her hand and yelled, "Hello, Mom??" |
328 | 2018-04-12 01:40:35 | Holiday Luggage Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A young couple are about to go on a holiday. The guy is waiting for his blonde girlfriend at the airport, when she arrives carrying a door. BF: "What are you carrying?!" GF: "You know how burglars break down the front door to get into houses?" BF: "Yeah?" GF: "Well, if I take my front door with me, then burglars can't break the door down, which means they can't get in and take anything." BF: "Ok then. What are you going to do if you lose the door, or if the door breaks?" GF: "I thought of that. I left one of the side windows open so I can get in through there." |
329 | 2018-04-12 01:40:38 | Horseback Riding Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the WalMart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off. |
330 | 2018-04-12 01:40:40 | Hot Rod Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Masha and Lindsey (both blondes) were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear. "Marsha, why is the back end higher than the front?" Lindsey asked. "Don't you know ANYTHING?" Marsha sighed exasperated. "Men always like it when you have your back end higher" |
331 | 2018-04-12 01:40:45 | Hot Shot Lawyer Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A gorgeous blonde and a hot-shot lawyer are sitting first class right next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and googles it, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he instant messages all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be no help at all. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. |
332 | 2018-04-12 01:40:46 | House of God Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps. The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep." |
333 | 2018-04-12 01:40:52 | Hunting Trip Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to embark on a three day hunting spree, with one woman hunting one night each. On the first night, the redhead goes out hunting for a deer. When she comes back, the brunette and the blonde ask, "Did you find the tracks?" The redhead replies, "I found the tracks, followed the tracks, and caught a deer." On the second night, the brunette goes out hunting for a rabbit. When she comes back, the blonde and the redhead ask, "Did you find the tracks?" The brunette replies, "I found the tracks, followed the tracks, and caught a rabbit." On the third night, it's the blonde's turn to go out hunting. When the blonde comes back looking roughed up, the redhead and the brunette ask in shock, "What happened to you?!" The blonde replies, "I found the tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by a train." |
334 | 2018-04-12 01:40:57 | Ice Fishing Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!" |
335 | 2018-04-12 01:41:06 | Instructing Blondes Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There was this stupid blonde male and he was at his lessons and his instructor (which was a girl) And she told him to go to three different places and learn three different words. So he went to the airport and learned take off. Then he went to the zoo and learned zebra. Then he went to the hospital and learned baby So he went back to his instructer and she asked him what three words he had learnt. And he said "takeoff ze-bra baby" |
336 | 2018-04-12 01:41:14 | Interstate Pileup Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day. So she eases it onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and then opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats that turn to face oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, this causes the highway's worst pileup to date. Shortly the police show up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs up to the blonde and yells, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by your car?" asks the cop. "I've always been told when you're on the side of the road to use your emergency flashers!," she replied. |
337 | 2018-04-12 01:41:52 | I've Won Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads: "W I N A B A G E L" |
338 | 2018-04-12 01:41:57 | Janie's Got A Gun Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" |
339 | 2018-04-12 01:42:03 | Jobless Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A very busty young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!" |
340 | 2018-04-12 01:42:12 | Keeping Blondes Busy Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll down... Scroll up... |
341 | 2018-04-12 01:42:17 | Knitting Behind The Wheel Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "PULLOVER!". The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "NO, IT'S A SCARF!". |
342 | 2018-04-12 01:42:41 | It's Blondes Like You Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" |
343 | 2018-04-12 01:42:52 | Ketchup & Liquor Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A drunk alcoholic is messing around with the cops after they handcuffed him. What did you have for breakfast? Ketchup and liquor What did you have for lunch? Ketchup and liquor What did you have for dinner? Ketchup and liquor The police officer smiled and asked the last question. What did you do when you saw a hot blonde girl walking down the street? Ketchup and liquor! (catch up and licked her) |
344 | 2018-04-12 01:42:54 | Light Bulb Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911. Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves! |
345 | 2018-04-12 01:42:57 | Losing Weight Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?" |
346 | 2018-04-12 01:43:03 | Lottery Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God actually replied, How about buying a ticket first? |
347 | 2018-04-12 01:43:05 | Magic Mirror Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. "I think I'm the smartest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up. "I think--" "POOF! |
348 | 2018-04-12 01:43:10 | Medical Dictionary For Blondes | Back to: Blonde Jokes Listen up Doctor's, below is a list of translations that will help you talk to your blonde patients Acute: Opposite of an ugly. Adenoid: Domino's Pizza character. Advil: Used to hammer things on. AIDS: Helpers or Assistants. Anally Occurring yearly. Aphrodisiac: An African disc jockey. Artery: Study of fine paintings. Aspirin: Having great ambitions. Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria. Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails. Benign: What you are after you be eight. Blood: A type of Gang. Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U. Bruise: A six-pack. Cesarean Section: A district in Rome. Capsule: A space ship. Catheter: String instruments. Cat Scan: Searching for kitty. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. Clitoris: A type of flower. Colic: A sheep dog. Coma: A punctuation mark. Condom: Apartment complex. Congenital: Friendly. Concussion: A prisoner's sofa pillow. Constipation: An important U.S. document. D&C: Where Washington is. Diaphragm: A drawing in geometry. Diarrhea: Journal of daily events. Dilate: To live long. Dildo: Variety of sweet pickle. Douche: Italian word for "12." Enema: Not a friend. Erection: When the Japanese vote. Femur: Not a Male. Fester: Quicker. Fibula: Small lie. Fracture: A number less than one. Genital: Non-Jewish. G.I. Series: Baseball series for soldiers. Grippe: Suit case. Hair: Rodent with long ears. Hangnail: Coat hook. Heart: Bow & Arrow target. High Colonic: Jewish religious holiday. Hospital: An unknown person ejecting saliva. Immune: Congressional perk. Impotent: Distinguished; well known. Infection: Russians coming to the U.S. Intense pain: Torture in a teepee. Intestines: Beta version of forks. Jaundice: To include in a group. Jaw: A shark without as much teeth. Joint: A location or place. Kinesthetics: A relationship towards relatives. Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work. Laceration: Dainty material allotment. Leper: A wild cat. Lesbian: Person from the Middle East. Lesion: A unit of Roman Army. Loin: Not fat. Lymph: A special Fairy. Lymph Node: Where special Fairy lives. Major Operation: A job for the Major. Malaria: Several shopping Stores. Mammogram: A telegram to Mom. Manic Depressive: A man pressed down to the floor. Medical Staff: Doctor's cane. Medicare: A partial care. Meningitis: Getting a Man. Menstrual cycle: Bloody vehicle for men. Menstruation: Male Model display. Midwife: Second wife in three marriages. Migraine: Not your wheat. Minor Operation: Coal digging. Miscarriage: Firing a Rifle and missing a target. Morbid: Higher offer. Mucus: Not quite in focus. Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate. Node: Was aware of. Organic: Musical. Orgasm: Person who accompanies the church choir. Outpatient: Person who has fainted. Ovaries: French egg dish made with cheese. Papsmear: Fatherhood Tablet: A small table. Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. Testicles: Sucking sacks found on an octopus. Tibia: Country in North Africa. Tumor: More than one. Ultrasound: A loud noise. Umbilical Cord: Part of a parachute. Urine: Opposite of "You're Out." Vagina: Heart trouble. Varicose: Near by. Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other. Vein: Conceited. Weak: Seven days. Zit: Dog Command. |
349 | 2018-04-12 01:43:16 | Medical Examination Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A pretty young blonde cheerleader visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Cooper," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination." |
350 | 2018-04-12 01:43:19 | Medical Opinion Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor gave her a thorough examination and said, ''In my medical opinion, you have acute appendicitis.'' The blonde yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!'' |
351 | 2018-04-12 01:43:25 | Men's Club Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only". "I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place." "That's OK, " says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..." |
352 | 2018-04-12 01:43:28 | Milk Bath Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde reads that if you bathe in milk, it makes your skin beautiful. So the next morning she leaves a note for the milkman, "Leave me 115 quarts of milk." The next morning milkman reads this and thinks I better make sure this is what she wants. He rings the bell and here is this beautiful blond with great complexion and tiny waist, he asks her if this is right. She replies, "Yes it's good to bathe in milk." The milkman then asks her if she wants it pasteurized. She answers, "Oh no, just past my neck would be fine!" |
353 | 2018-04-12 01:43:32 | Mirror Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Once there was a mirror shop and a blonde, a brunette, and a red head went into the shop. They saw an amazing mirror and wanted to buy it. The cashier said "Ok but don't say anything false in front of it or you will disappear." The brunette stood in front of the mirror and said "I think I am the prettiest girl in the world." then she disappeared. The red head stood in front of the mirror and said "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." then she disappeared. The blonde stood in front of the mirror and said "I think..." then she disappeared too. |
354 | 2018-04-12 01:43:38 | Mountain Cliff Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes One day a blonde and brunette hiking to a high mountain cliff. After a while the burnette says "How about we start heading down it's almost dark?" The blonde tells her to get a head start because she wants to enjoy the scenery a bit more. After the brunette leaves the blonde gets an idea. She jumps off the cliff. Then she starts to fall. She screams "I thought my maxis had wings!" |
355 | 2018-04-12 01:43:44 | Naming Dogs Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Whatevverrrrr," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!" |
356 | 2018-04-12 01:43:52 | Natural Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes New paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit. When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest color: "Natural Blonde". There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to describe it to me. He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!" |
357 | 2018-04-12 01:43:56 | New Career Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There was this blonde, who was a secretary, and one day she was having a fit at her desk. A coworker asked What's wrong (Blonde says) I hate this job, I want a career with action & excitement! (Her coworker says ) Why don't you try a career in law enforcement, You'll be protecting our citizens & serving your community, Plus, Its a career with action & excitement. (Blonde says) That's a great idea, I'll do that. So after work, The blonde goes to the local police department to get the information she needs to start her career in law enforcement. A few days later , She goes grocery shopping and suddenly, She bought every roll of paper towels in the store (About 150 rolls), Takes it home and just when she got the car unloaded, Her husband comes home and sees all those paper towels strewn about the house and has a royal fit. He yells AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS, YOU'VE DONE DUMB THINGS BUT THIS IS THE WORSE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (Blonde says) Honey , Please calm down, I'm training for a new career (Husband says) A NEW CAREER!!! HOW TO BREAK THE BANK? (Blonde says) I'm training for a career in law enforcement, Something with action & excitement (Husband says) LAW ENFORCEMENT!!! NOW WHAT ON EARTH DOES LAW ENFORCEMENT HAVE TO DO WITH ALL THESE FRIGGIN' PAPER TOWELS? (Blonde says) I'm training to become a BOUNTY HUNTER !!! |
358 | 2018-04-12 01:44:05 | New Clothes Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A man decided to buy clothes for his wife on their anniversary. She says she will wash the clothes first before she wears them out to dinner. When she finished washing the clothes, she hangs out the clothes to dry. She decided to take a rest. When she wake up now she saw a blonde in the yard, so she asked her "What you doing in my yard?" The blonde said "Ahhhh shopping Online" |
359 | 2018-04-12 01:44:09 | New Job Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes It was a blondes first day at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos so that the counterman could view it, and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf." |
360 | 2018-04-12 01:44:12 | New Mercedes Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Michael drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Lindsey was a pretty blonde, and as Michael walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Lindsey came running up to him yelling, "Michael! Michael! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!" |
361 | 2018-04-12 01:44:35 | Nice Convertible Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes One day a Blonde was riding around in her nice convertible. On her way her way home she ran into gang of tough guys. They took her out of her car and drew a circle in the ground. "Don't you step out of this circle" They said as they began to rip out the leather seats. When they looked back she was chuckling. Then they smashed her windshield when they looked back she was laughing. Then they popped her tires. When they looked back she was on the ground laughing. They asked her "Why are you laughing?" she replied "Because when you looked away I stepped out of the circle" |
362 | 2018-04-12 01:44:45 | Nude Tanning Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A guy was out on his deck tanning and he was completely nude and he burnt his dick. He asked his friend what to do and he said to put it in a glass of milk and it'll feel better. His blond girlfriend walks in while he was doing that and said "Is that how you guys refill?" |
363 | 2018-04-12 01:44:52 | One Eyed Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Two blondes are walking around a zoo, when one says, ''Look at that lion with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, ''Where?'' |
364 | 2018-04-12 01:44:55 | Orange Juice Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes When I was walking around the super market I noticed a blonde staring really hard at a carton of orange juice. I asked her what she was doing. She said "Well, it says on the carton 'concentrate'". |
365 | 2018-04-12 01:44:57 | Out The Window Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There was were three people on a plane . One took a bite of an apple and thought it was to sweet and threw it out the window Then another took a bite of an lime and thought it was to sour and threw it out the window And the last person look a bite out of a gernade and thought it was to hard and threw it out the window. After the plane landed they decided to go for a walk and they a boy crying and they asked him why he was crying He said "A apple fell out the sky and killed my puppy." Then they saw a litte girl crying and they asked her why she was crying She said "A lime fell out the sky and killed my kitty." Then they saw a laughing blonde and they asked her why she was laughing She said "I just farted and the house behind me blew up." |
366 | 2018-04-12 01:45:04 | Overweight Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?" |
367 | 2018-04-12 01:45:10 | Paint Job Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up". The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up". The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up". When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod. |
368 | 2018-04-12 01:45:16 | Paternity Trial Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" The lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis." |
369 | 2018-04-12 01:45:19 | Phone Home Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde wanted to make a overseas call to her mother so she went to a worldwide call center (this is old school joke) and stood in line. When got to the teller she explained to the man "Please Mister, I don't have any money, but I really need to talk to my mom overseas it's really important, please I'll do anything!" "Anything?" Said the man, "Anything I swear, I really need to talk to my mom." "Okay come with me." So he takes her to a back room and tells her "Get down on your knees." So she gets down on her knees. "Unzip my pants." So she unzips his pants. "Now take it out." So she takes it out, and as she's holding it in her hand, he looks down at her and says "Well?" And she said "Hello, Mom?" |
370 | 2018-04-12 01:45:27 | Phoney Blondes Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 3 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 300 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear." |
371 | 2018-04-12 01:45:31 | Porno Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde decides to do something crazy she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner' |
372 | 2018-04-12 01:45:35 | Pregnant Blondes Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes One Liners Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. |
373 | 2018-04-12 01:45:40 | Press Bell Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?" "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?" |
374 | 2018-04-12 01:45:44 | Psych Visit Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde is speaking to his psychiatrist. Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?" Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing." |
375 | 2018-04-12 01:45:47 | Pulled Over Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A cop sees a car weaving so he pulls it over. He walks up and sees it's a blonde behind the wheel. When he bends down, he smells booze on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to see if you're under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon, then he walks it back to the police car. He comes back to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She says, "You mean it shows that, too?" |
376 | 2018-04-12 01:45:52 | Puzzling Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!'' |
377 | 2018-04-12 01:45:54 | Railroading Blondes Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"34, 34, 34..." Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says,"What are you doing?" The brunette replies,"Just counting." The blonde says,"May I join you?" "Yes," replies the giggling brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,"34, 34, 34..." A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"35, 35, 35..." |
378 | 2018-04-12 01:45:56 | Ransacked Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes The police department, famous for its savvy canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat blown away by a recent incident. Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!' |
379 | 2018-04-12 01:45:59 | Red Bull Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde was watching tv when a commercial came on. It was about red bull. "Red Bull gives you wings!"said the commercial. The blonde thought for a moment, grabbed a Red Bull out of the fridge, drank some, and went outside and got a ladder. In minutes the blonde was on top her big house (don't ask how) and jumped off. When she awoke in the hospital the next day, her doctor asked what happened. "I forgot to flap my wings" she replied. |
380 | 2018-04-12 01:46:01 | Redneck Blonde Jokes Popular Pick Roofing Nails Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Q: Why is it good to have a blonde redneck passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: What does a redneck blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are? A: Start your Engines! Q: What do you do when a blonde redneck throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q: Why do redneck blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: Why do blonde rednecks drive GMC trucks? A: Because they can spell it. Q: Why can't blonde rednecks dial 911? A: They can't find the '11' on the telephone Two blonde rednecks were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home. You Might Be A Blonde Redneck... hat billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Two Blonde Rednecks Two blonde redneck guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there." Rowing Boats One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw a blonde redneck on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass". Redneck Trucker A long-haired blonde teen was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the teen finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth. "Don't matter," replied the trucker. "I'm gonna screw ya' anyway." Library A blonde redneck goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor." The librarian replies, "This is a library." So the blonde redneck lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor." Sears A blonde redneck went to Sears and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blonde rednecks." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blonde rednecks." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blonde rednecks." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave." |
381 | 2018-04-12 01:46:02 | Round of Drinks Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender: "What is a B and C?" Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 13." Bartender: "What's a 13?" Blonde: "7 and 7." |
382 | 2018-04-12 01:46:04 | Seaside Carnival Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Sammy took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival. 'What would you like to do first, Kim?' asked Sammy. 'I want to get weighed,' she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. . Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Sammy again asked Kim what she wanted to do next. 'I want to get weighed,' she said. Back to the weight guesser they went and because she'd been there before the man guessed Kim's correct weight and Sammy lost his dollar. Kim and Sammy walked around the carnival and again he asked, 'Where to next?' Kim responded: 'I want to get weighed,' but by this time Sammy figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, 'How'd it go?' she asked. Kim said, 'Oh, Waura, it was wousy.' |
383 | 2018-04-12 01:46:06 | Selling A Car Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car. "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 60,000 miles on it." |
384 | 2018-04-12 01:46:10 | Sexiest Blonde Jokes | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the seventh grade; which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18. |
385 | 2018-04-12 01:46:12 | Sexy Blonde Jokes Popular Pick Sheppard and the Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes One Liners Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head? A: All you can eat under a buck. Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store? A: They are both 10? a screw! Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme! Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark! Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sunroofs? A: More legroom! Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. Q: Why couldn't the blond get the calender to stay up? A: Because it wasn't a dick. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. Q: How do blondes play Russian Roulette? A: They jack six dicks until one gets a facial. Q: What did Charlton Heston do when he met blonde with a gun? A: Ben Hur-Over. Q: What's the difference in between a light bulb and a blonde? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. Q: Why do blondes love Wednesday? A: Because its Hump Day. Q. What did the blonde say to her legs..? A. Man we can make a lot of money between us. Q: Whats the Difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: One stops sucking when you smack it. Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a mouthful. What does a blonde say after she has sex several times in the same night? Way to go team! Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Their boyfriends are blonde too. How do you teach a blonde math? Bend her over and give her a square root. A girl asks her blonde friend: 'Do you smoke after you've had sex?' Her friend: 'I wouldn't know! I've never looked!' |
386 | 2018-04-12 01:46:16 | Sleeping On The Floor Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said. |
387 | 2018-04-12 01:46:21 | Soda Winner Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!" |
388 | 2018-04-12 01:46:26 | Space Explorers Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes So a blonde, a redhead, a ginger are talking. The red head says "I'll be the first red head to land on Mars." The ginger says well "I'll be the first ginger to land on Venus." The blonde says "well ill be the first one to land on the Sun" So the ginger says "well wont you just burn up" The blonde says "don't be stupid I'll go at night." |
389 | 2018-04-12 01:46:27 | Sporty Blonde Jokes Popular Pick Stewardess Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Q: How did the blonde die at the baseball game? A: She drowned during the wave. Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course? A: The 19th hole. Q: How did the Blonde hockey team drown? A: Spring training. Q: What do blonde swimmers and the Bermuda triangle have in common? A: They both have swallowed a lot of semen. Q: Why did the blonde become a big hockey fan? A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought she stopped aging. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Q: What do you call a tall blonde rebounder? A: A Golden Retriever. Q: Why did the blonde take a piece of rope onto the baseball diamond? A: She was the skipper! Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: a foursome. Q: How do blonde basketball players stay cool during a game? A: They stand near the fans! Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag. Q: What do you call a blonde who can suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose? A: "Darling!" Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. Q: How do you get a blonde cheerleader to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What's the difference between a blonde cheerleader and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q: Why does a blonde race car driver wear green lipstick? A: Because red means Stop. Q: How do you kill a Blonde? A: Put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of the pool. Q: Why are blonde cheerleaders so easy to get into bed? A: Who cares? Q: Why did the Blonde put ice in her pants? A: To keep her crabs fresh. Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 Leagues Under the sea? A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who tap danced? A: She fell in the sink. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of Blondes? A: Bobbing for Bimbos. Q: What is the difference between a Blonde and a shower? A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet. Q: What do you call 4 Blondes laying on the beach? A: Public access. Q: What do you call two blondes in a canoe? A: Fur traders. Q: What did the Blonde do when her boyfriend was having a seizure in the bath tub? A: She threw in a load of laundry. Q: Why did the blonde snowboard off the cliff? A: She thought her maxi pad had wings Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: By drowning it. Q: Why can't blondes water-ski? A: When they get their crotch wet they need to get on their knees. Q: Why can't blonde race car drivers go faster than 68 mph? A: At 69 they blow a rod. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde race car driver as a passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: How did the BLONDE die ice fishing? A: She was run over by the zamboni machine. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde cheerleader a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. Q: How do you kill blonde cheerleaders? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blonde cheerleaders pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an "F" in sex. Q: Where do losing blonde coaches go when they are fed up? A: The bored room! Q: Why are blondes like old bowling balls? A: They both end up in the gutter! Q: What can a blonde serve but never eat? A: A volley ball Q: What tea do blonde hockey players drink? A: Penaltea! Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green... Feel bad for the hot blonde (Bar Refaeli) that had to play tonsil hockey for Godaddy Nothing sexier than a blonde in yoga or tight soccer pants What's up with dark soccer players and blonde hair?. Football Game A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quater back!'" Tennis Ball One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. "What do you have in your pocket?" she asked. "Tennis ball," the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!" Walking In The Woods Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks in the dirt, the first blonde says, "Look at those bear tracks". The second blonde says,"Those aren't bear tracks, those are deer tracks". The first blonde says "No they're not, there bear tracks". The second blonde argues back. "No they're not, they're deer tracks." Then, they both got hit by the train. Bowling Tournament Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" Ice Fishing There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!" Pouring Water There was a blonde who was found pouring a cup of water into a lake. Someone came up behind her and asked her what she was doing. She replied, "Well, I was at my work today and got thirsty. So when i went to the water fountain, someone said, ' hey lady save some for the fish'". |
390 | 2018-04-12 01:46:31 | Stolen Car Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake." |
391 | 2018-04-12 01:46:32 | Stolen Purses Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There were 3 girls. A blonde brunette and a red head. They stole purses from a department store so they were running from the cops. They ran away and the redhead went up a tree the brunette went to the cow stables and the blonde went to the vegetable patch. Then the cops walked pass the tree and said they herd something so the brunette said "Cucaw Cucaw". So the cop said "Oh it was just a bird." Then they walked past the cow stables and said "Hey I heard something" then the brunette went "Moo Mooo". the cops said "Oh its just a cow." Then they went past the vegetable patch then the cop said "Hey I heard something over here" then the blonde said.... vegetaaabblleesss!(in whispering voice) |
392 | 2018-04-12 01:46:37 | Stupid Blondes Jokes | Back to: Blonde Jokes Q: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? A: She sticks it in the microwave! Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: Why are blondes bad at Hide and Seek? A: Because they can never find the sausage. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees? A: Cum. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? A: Air Pockets Q: What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A: A Blonde-tourage. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue. Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails? A: To hide the valve stem! Q: What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A: A blonde at a flashing red light Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken. Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards Q: Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? A: Because she wanted sweet dreams! Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? A: There is white out on the screen. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: How do you kill a Blonde? A: Put a Scratch 'n Sniff at the bottom of a pool. Q: Why did the blonde have square tits? A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes. Q: Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? A: Because she wanted to measure how long he slept. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? A: It finally dawned on her! Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. A: So they have somewhere to put their feet when having sex. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't come home with you? A: "Have another beer." Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant? A: She blew them both Q: Why did God invent orgasms? A: So blondes know when to stop screwing. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks. Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the door. Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? A: They drowned in Spring Training Q: Why were there 6 bullet holes in the blondes mirror? A: She tried to kill her self Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B.L.O.N.D.E. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A: Their Mommies told them never to speak to strangers. Q: whats the differance between a blonde and a mosquito? A: When you slap the blonde she keeps on sucking. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. Q. Why are only 2% of blondes touch typists? A. The other 98% are huntin' peckers Q: How do you know if a Blonde has been using your computer? A: The joystick is still wet. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A: They can't remember the number. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh? A: She wanted a lot of male in her box. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" Blonde Cop A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this." |
393 | 2018-04-12 01:46:38 | Suicide Blonde Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound in her hand. The doctor asks, "How did this happen?" She replies, "Well, I was trying to commit suicide. I stuck the gun to my head and then...just before I pulled the trigger... I thought, this is going to be loud. So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger" Let Me Take A...... A blonde and a brunette jump off a skyscraper. Which would land first? The brunette. The blonde would stop to take a selfie. |
394 | 2018-04-12 01:46:39 | Tailgate Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. ''Where have you been?'' asked the man. ''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!'' |
395 | 2018-04-12 01:46:42 | Taking A Picture Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Two blonde women that were best friends decided to go shopping together. They saw a photographer at the mall and decided to have their picture taken together. The photographer sat them down and said he had to focus his camera. One of the ladies said, "What did he say he had to do?" The other lady said, "He said he had to focus. (fuck us)" Her friend then said, "Both of us?" |
396 | 2018-04-12 01:46:43 | Tallest Building Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes There where 3 blondes on the tallest building of the world. They were talking for a while then the first blond jumps, hits the floor and dies. The second blond jumps next and she hits the floor and dies. Then third blond jumps, she hits the floor but she does not die. 5 minutes later the cops show up and ask the blond "What were you girls thinking?" The blond replies "we were trying to see if our maxie pads had wings" |
397 | 2018-04-12 01:46:47 | Tennis Balls Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. "What do you have in your pocket?" she asked. "Tennis ball," the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!" |
398 | 2018-04-12 01:46:49 | TGIF Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Guy stands in elevator, door opens and a hot blonde gets on. "T.G.I.F." She says to the man. "S.H.I.T." He says right back. "Look, I am not tying to be ugly, I just wanted to say 'Thank God its Friday' she says. He looks at her and says" I am not trying to be rude either but ' Sorry, hon, it's Thursday!" |
399 | 2018-04-12 01:46:54 | That Blonde Moment Popular Pick Thermos Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes when you turn the music down in your car when looking for a street sign, so you can see it better. when you go to use your curling-iron/straightener and realize you didn't even plug it in. when you forget what your natural hair color is when you're looking for your phone while it's in your hand when you realize you're driving around without your lights on at night when you're scared to enter through a revolving door. when you think your phone is charging, but really it's not even plugged into the wall. when you can't remember if a memory you have was real life, or a dream. when you keep talking after a call is dropped. when you think someone stole your car because you forgot where you parked. when you pour conditioner in your hair instead of shampoo. when you can't remember if you put detergent in the washer so you rewash your clothes when you're not sure how to spell a word, so you change the whole sentence instead. when anytime you write Wednesday you mentally say "wed-nes-day". when you check to make sure it's hairspray you're about to use on your hair instead of perfume or something else when you manage to lose something that was in your hand 5 minutes ago. when you have to ask someone what YOLO means... when everyone is still laughing about a joke you still don't get. when you pull in to put gas in your car and forget what side it is on and pull on the wrong side. when you lift your water bottle by the cap and after it spills everywhere. when you're laying in bed, scrolling through text messages and drop your phone on your face when you can't remember if you put detergent in the washer so you rewash your clothes. when you prepare yourself before stepping onto an escalator. when you ask what comes on a BLT. When you don't know what your nail lady just said, so you smile & nod hoping it wasn't a question. when you try to get out of the car with your seatbelt still on. when you have to take a second to think about if you have makeup on before you rub your eyes. when you save a file, then have no clue where you saved it to. when you park too far from the gas pump and the nozzle doesn't reach when you're watching commercials to a show you've recorded. when you spend forever digging through your makeup bag trying to find something. Turns out its right in front of you.. when you forget to put a bra on. when you try to use a big word and it ends up being totally out of context. when it takes entirely too long for you to find the beginning of the tape roll when standing infront of a paper towel dispenser waving your hand, only to realize it isn't motion sensitive when you spell a word right, but it still looks wrong. when you meow back to your cat. when you temporarily forget what year it is when writing the date when you think you're trapped on an escalator because it stopped moving. when you're staring into your closet for 30 minutes when deciding what to wear. when you forget what day it is. when you check the time on your phone... then you check it again because you weren't paying attention the first time. |
400 | 2018-04-12 01:46:59 | Three Brothers Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Three brothers went hunting in the woods. The first brother came back with a stag. His brothers asked him, "How did you kill it?" He replied., "Well, I find stag tracks, I follow stag tracks, and BANG, I shoot stag!" A few nights later, the second brother went hunting. He brought back a hare. His brothers asked him, "How did you kill it?" He replied, "Well, I find hare tracks, I follow hare tracks, and BANG, I shoot hare!" A few days later, the third brother, a blonde, went hunting. He came back with a broken arm, in a wheelchair, and bloody and bruised. His brothers asked, "What happened to you?" He replied, "Well, I find train tracks, I follow train tracks, and BANG, train hit me!" |
401 | 2018-04-12 01:47:02 | Three Moms Joke | Back to: Blonde Jokes Three moms get together on afternoon and start talking.A blonde, burnette and a red head. The Burnette starts talking about her daughter and says that she was going through her daughters car and found a beer bottle. She had no Idea that her daughter drank. Well the red head said that she was going through her daughters purse and found a pack of ciggerettes and had no idea that her daughter smoked. Well of course the blonde said that she was looking for a pen in her daughter bedroom and looked in her side table next to her bed and found a condom. She said that she had no idea that her daughter had a DICK! |
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