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41 | 2018-04-12 01:22:52 | Donkey Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Donkey Short Jokes Q: What happens when your carrying a donkey and you chuckle so hard you drop him? A: You're laughing your ass off. Q: What did the donkey do when he got cut-off? A: "Hee-Haw"nked. Q: What happens when you buy a mini-donkey A: Your getting a little ass! Q: What do you call a donkey throwing nuts to the moon? A: An ass throw nut (astronaut). Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas? A: Mule-tide greetings. Q: How do you compliment a donkey? A: "Hey, nice ass!" Q: What do you get cross an optimetrist convention and a donkey auction? A: Two eyegl-asses for the price of one. Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion? A: a piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye! Q: What do you call a donkey that was born with a brain injury? A: A dumb ass!!! Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg ? A: A wonkey donkey Q: What do you call a donkey that keeps time? A: Hourgl-ass. What do you get when you cross a Donkey with a Motorcycle? A Yam-Hee-Haw Q: Did you hear about the hobo who thought he was a donkey? A: His friends called him underp-ass. Q: What do you call a donkey with a PHD? A: A smart ass. Q: What do you call ad donkey with a banjo? A: Bluegr-ass Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and a bad eye ? A: A winkey wonkey donkey Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while breaking wind ? A: A stinkey winkey wonkey donkey Q: What do you call a donkey with a drinking problem? A: A winegl-ass. Q: What do you call a donkey with built-in GPS? A: Comp-ass. Q: What do you call a Donkey that can go 0-40 in 3.4 seconds? A: Fibergl-ass Q: Did you hear about the donkey that was afraid to speak up for herself? A: She was a candy-ass. Q: What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine? A: A pain in the ass. If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. A man fell in love with his faithful female donkey, and decided to marry her. At the wedding, the priest said, "Well, this is refreshing, it's usually the woman that's marrying the ass." Are your other donkeys jealous because that's one fine ass Donkey Bar Jokes Bartender's Donkey A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars. The man say I can do it! So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves. About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for. The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it! He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?" The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did". "How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender? Well I showed him. Little Boy & Old Man An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, "What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey." So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said," Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, "That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them." So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You'll Eventually Lose Your ASS! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover." Night of Drinking A man and his pet donkey walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my donkey." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the donkey falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a donkey." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a donkey sitting next to him. "Are you a donkey?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The donkey replied, "Well, I liked the book." Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a donkey in the front seat. "What are you doing with that donkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the donkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that donkey to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a donkey in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" Then the student said "No,the donkey because he's still in the fridge." then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you" The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge." Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!" She laughs and walks away. |
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42 | 2018-04-12 01:22:55 | Door To Door Salesman Joke | Back to: Animal Jokes A door-to-door salesman has had a really rough day and decided to try one more house before heading home. He knocks on the door, determined to make a sale. A small boy opens the door, and the salesman starts in with his sales pitch. The boy stood there speechless, and the salesman, seeing that he wasn't getting anywhere, asked the boy where his mother was. The boy didn't say a word and just pointed upstairs. The salesman goes up the stairs, opens the bedroom door and finds the boy's mother in bed with a goat!! Completely flabbergasted, the salesman slams the door shut and flies down the stairs. He grabs the little boy by the shoulders and yells, "Do you know what's in bed with your mother? Do you know what they're doing? Doesn't this bother you?" To which the little boy responded, "Na-a-a-a-a-a-a." |
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43 | 2018-04-12 01:22:57 | Duck Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Q: At what time does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn. Q: What do you call a cat that swallows a duck? A: A duck-filled-fatty-pus Q: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem? A: He was a quackhead. Q: What do you call a duck that steals? A: A robber ducky. Q: What did Detective Duck say to his partner? A: "Let's quack this case!" Q: What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes? A: "I hope I didn't quack any!" Q: What did the duck say when the waitress came? A: Put it on my bill! Q: What did the blonde replace her rooster with a duck? |
{ "43": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 43, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
44 | 2018-04-12 01:22:59 | Eagle Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a sick eagle? A: Ill-eagle! Q: Why don't eagles like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! Q: Republican John Ashcroft sang "Let the Eagle Soar" what was the eagles response? A: Leave the eagles out of it Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird? A. The Spread Eagle Q: What does the eagle say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? A: 'Let us prey.' Q: How does a eagle greet the its prey in the water ? A: 'Pleased to eat you.' ! Q: Did you hear about the bird who could see trouble coming from a mile way? A: It had an eagle eye. Why can't you own a sick eagle? Because it's Ill-eagle! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a eagle walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the eagle's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the eagle. "Your name is written inside the cover." Night of Drinking A man and his pet eagle walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my eagle." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the eagle falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a eagle." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a eagle sitting next to him. "Are you a eagle?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The eagle replied, "Well, I liked the book." Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a eagle in the front seat. "What are you doing with that eagle?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the eagle again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that eagle to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" |
{ "44": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 44, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
45 | 2018-04-12 01:23:04 | Elephant Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it? What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet? An elephant with an umbrella! Why does an elephant wear sneakers? So that he can sneak up on mice! What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant. What's big and grey and wears a mask? The elephantom of the opera! What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour? A jet propelled elephant! Why does the elephant bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the Elephant was having a day off! I suppose when you've seen one lion catch an elephant, you've seen a maul. What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? Elephino. (HEll if I know) What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? Lost! Why did the elephant go in the mens restroom? To get some nuts What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant? Mashed potatoes! What do elephants and trees have in common? They both have big trunks! Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up! What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy! What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet? An elephant with spare parts! Why did the elephants start a stampede? Because the wanted to be herd. Why can't an elephant use a computer? He's too afraid of the mouse. What's grey but turns red? An embarrassed elephant! What do you get when you cross a Elephant with a garden? Squash! Where does an elephant pack his luggage? In his trunk! What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence. What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant! What is an elephants favorite sport? Squash. When should you feed milk to a baby elephant? When it's a baby elephant! How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling! What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck! Why did the elphant cross the road? because the chicken wanted a day off. What do you call an elephant that flies? A jumbo jet! What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed? Time to get a new bed! Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool? Because their trunks kept on falling down. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? Peanut butter. What can an elephant make that no other animal can make? A baby elephant. How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card! Why did the elephant leave the circus? He was tired of working for peanuts. What do you call a passenger plane shaped like an elephant? A dumbo jet. What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine! What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant? An animal that tells you everything that it remembers! What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail? This is the end of me! Why do the elephants have short tails? Because they can't remember long stories! What do elephants sing at christmas? Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants... Who do elephants get their christmas presents from? Elephanta Claus! Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs! What do you call a elephant that never washes? A smellyphant! Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?" Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!" What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you! Teacher: "Name six wild animals" Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions!" What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette! What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night? Russell! What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater? Warren! What is an elephant that flies? A propellaphant. What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater? Terrified! What do you call someone with an elephant on their head? Squashed! Whats the difference between your mom and an African Elephant? Ten pounds. Who lost a herd of elephants? Big bo peep! What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming Trunks How are elephants and computers similar? They both have big memories. What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing? Its shadow! What is an elephants favorite film? Elephantasia What do elephants say as a compliment? You look elephantastic! What do you do with old cannon balls? Give them to elephants to use as marbles! What animals were last to leave the ark? The elephants as they had to pack their trunks! Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (they say no) Works, doesn't it? If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help uncle jack off an elephant An elephant flew past at 200 miles per hour. It was a Nelliecopter How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" Then the student said "No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge." then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you" The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge." Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!" She laughs and walks away. |
{ "45": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 45, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
46 | 2018-04-12 01:23:07 | Ferret Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes The Wife A guy brings a ferret home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?" He repies , "In the bedroom." "But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. "I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a ferret walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the ferret's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the ferret. "Your name is written inside the cover." Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a ferret in the other. "Now Listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy. "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go" Night of Drinking A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my ferret." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a ferret." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a ferret sitting next to him. "Are you a ferret?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The ferret replied, "Well, I liked the book." Q: What do you call a mismatched pair of socks in the wash? A: Evidence. Q: How do you drive a ferret crazy? A: Give him a round litter pan. Q: What is a ferret's favorite song? A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl... Q: How many California ferret owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands. First they have to write to their representatives, educate others, obtain support, etc. then have a bill proposal pass through various committees before the government will allow the bulb to be changed. Q: Who is a ferret's favorite president? A: John Fitchgerald Kennedy. Q: What do you call an ferret with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the ferret stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the ferret cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a ferret go "moo"? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Why did the blonde give her ferret a coke? A: Because when she was young her parents told her "Pop goes to the Weasel". Q: What do you call a ferret that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: What do Muhammed Ali and Bandit the Ferret have in common? A: They both know how to duke it out. Q: Ferrets favor fashions by which designer? A: Alberta Ferretti. Q: Who is a ferret's favorite composer? A: Ferretric Chopin. Q: Who is a ferret's favorite band? A: The Ferretones. Q: Which ferret became an author of stories set in WWII and after? A: Elie Weasel. Q: Which high-kicking ferret won the Gold in Tae Kwon Do at the '92 Olympic Games? A: Herb Ferretz. Q: Who is the ferret Zionist prime minister? A: Shimon Ferretz. |
{ "46": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 46, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
47 | 2018-04-12 01:23:09 | Fish Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes What did the fish say when he posted bail? "I'm off the hook!" Why don't fish like basketball? Cause they're afraid of the net Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon! What do you call a fish with a tie? soFISHticated What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark! How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut! Why don't fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships. What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales. What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish. Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? To fish for compliments. What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies. What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall? Damn! Whats the best way to catch a fish? Have some one throw it at you. How do you make a fish laugh? Tell a whale of a tale. What happens when you drink like a fish? You piss like a fire hose. Did you know the Octopus is the only fish that can squirt ink? Just Squidding. What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel! Why don't fish pass their exams? Because they work below C-Level. Why did the octopus cross the road? To get to the other tide. What do you call a lazy crayfish? Slobster How do shellfish get to the hospital? In a clambulance. Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the oceans bottom. Why do oysters go to the gym? It's good for the mussel. Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish. How did the fish find the World Wide Web? In a Net. What happens when you put nutella on salmon? You get salmonella What did the magician say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod! Did you hear about the fight in the kitchen? A fish got battered. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles. How does a seahorse quickly get from one place to another? He scallops! Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle What do you call a fish that knows addition? An Octoplus. How do fish travel long distances? They whale (hail) a cab. What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish. What party game do fish like to play? Salmon Says. Why are fish such intelligent creatures? Because they swim in schools! What fish goes up the river at 100mph? A motor pike! How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything! What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! What do you get from a bad-tempered shark? As far away as possible! Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide! Where do women keep their money when underwater? In a octurpurse. Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! Why don't lobsters ever pay retail? Because they are Sale-fish. Where do fish sleep? In a water bed. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row! What kind of fish plays the guitar? Bassist What do you call an underwater transformer? Octopus Prime. What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout? Monkfish! How do you keep a fish from smelling? Cut off his nose. What bit of fish doesn't make sense? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding! What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings? A fish tank! What do you call a smelly fish? A stink ray. What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish? Tsardines! What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand! Why are gold fish orange? The water makes them rusty! Who held the baby octopus to ransome? Squidnappers! What part of a fish weighs the most? It's scales! What fish do road-menders use? Pneumatic krill! What is a trouts main job? To keep his daughter off the pole. What do fish need to stay healthy? Vitamin Sea. Boy: Have u ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up! What happens when sharks take their clothes off? They go sharkers! What do you call a fish that destroys Japan? Codzilla. What game do fish like playing the most? Name that tuna! Who keeps the ocean clean? A mermaid. Where do fish go to do yoga? The river bend Where do fishes work? The Offish What do naked fish play with? Bare-a-cudas! What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon? An electric shark! What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea? Jack the kipper! Have you heard about the Sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels. What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune! Where do shellfish go to borrow money? To the prawn broker! What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather! What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys? He got lockjaw! Where do fish wash? In a river basin! What fish only swims at night? A starfish! What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab? Snappy answers. How do fish go into business? The start on a small scale! Which fish go to heaven when they die? Angelfish! Have you ever heard of the gold fish that went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish What do you get when you cross a mink with an octopus? A coat of arms. Which day do fish hate? Fry-day! What do you call a fish that can give you a face-lift? A plastic Sturgeon. What kind of fish only swims in hot oil? Fish Sticks. What did the people say when they were waiting for the dolphins to jump? Water they waiting for! What kind of fish chase mice? Catfish. What do you call a talking crustacean? Holy Crab. What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line! What is the most expensive kind of fish? a goldfish Why did the fish go to Hollywood? He wanted to be a starfish! What do whales eat? Fish and ships. What do you call an underwater social network? Fishbook Where do you weigh whales? At a whale weigh station! How did the marine mollusk get into college? Apparently it got in on a scallopship! What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air? A seahorse! Me: When you look at your fish sticks what do you see? Friend: I just seafood (see food) Knock Knock Who's there? Fish! Fish who? Bless you. Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-ish There's plenty of fish in the sea... Just be careful not to catch crabs. Two fish in a tank - one says to the other "Can you drive this thing?" Our asking, "Where is God?" is like a fish asking, "Where is water?" A fish and a crab were playing with a ball. Then the crab wouldn't toss the ball back to the fish. The fish cried, "You're shellfish!". If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" I always lose at connect four, tic tac toe, go fish. & relationships. there's plenty of fish in the sea, but you're my nemo. Men are like fish neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Tell a man one of your long, pointless fishing stories, and he'll never bother you again. There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch. My disney channel was "Even Stevens", "That's so Raven", & "Lizzie McGuire" It didn't involve talking fish or 11 year olds in high school. Instead of a cat, buy your kid a fish. It's easier to flush. I got 99 problems but a fish aint one Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod. Ice Fishing A newfie went ice fishing. Heard a voice." There's no fish there" Gets up, goes a few feet further. Digs a hole and starts fishing again. Again, he hears the voice. "There's no fish there" Newfie looks up, is that you Lord No, said the voice. "Its the Manager of the Arena." |
{ "47": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 47, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
48 | 2018-04-12 01:23:13 | Flea Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes What is the most faithful insect? A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything? A flee! What to you call a Russian flea? A Moscow-ito! What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show! What did one flea say to the other? Shall we fly or take the dog. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! How do you start an insect race? One, two, flea - go! What do you call a mad flea? A looney-tic What do you call 144 fleas in a box? Gross! Why does the flea bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper. How do you find where a flea has bitten you? Start from scratch! What is a flea's favorite book? The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy! What did the clean dog say to the insect? Long time no flea! Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War? Robert E Flea! What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go! What do you call a cheerful flea? A hop-timist! What do you call a Flea in a bar? A Bar-Hopper! What did the dog say to the flea? Stop bugging me! What do you call a bug that kills the president? Flea Harvey Oswald. What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it! How to fleas travel? Itch hiking! Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater? To hide his flea collar! What do you call a fancy party just for pests? Grand Jubi-flea. What do you call a flea that likes country music? Flea Ann Rimes. Where do fleas live? fleadelphia! Where do fleas shop at? the flea market! What do you call a bug that plays golf? Flea Westwood. |
{ "48": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 48, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
49 | 2018-04-12 01:23:19 | Flies Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes What did papa firefly tell mama firefly? Isn't our son too bright for his age! Q: What do you call a Fly without wings? A: A walk. Q: What do you call a Fly with no wings or legs? A: A roll. What is the difference between a fly and a bird? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird! Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er. What goes "snap, crackle and pop"? A firefly with a short circuit! Which fly makes films? Stephen Speilbug! If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player? The one in the sugar bowl! Why were the flies playing football in sauce They where playing for the cup! What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck. What do Fireflies eat at a restraint? A light meal. Why do fireflies like the rain? Because they are lightning bugs! How do you make a firefly happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted. What do you call a fly that can dance? A jitterbug. How do fireflies start a race? Ready steady glow! What do you call a fly that is ill? Answer: The flew What did one firefly say to the other? Got to glow now! Why was the fly looking for the garbage can? Because he was a litterbug. Why did the firefly keep stealing things? He was light fingered! How do you keep flies out of the kitchen? Put a pile of manure in the living room! Two flies sitting on a dog poo. One farts. The other says "Do you mind? I'm eating my dinner!" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a fly eating popcorn sitting next to him. "Are you a fly?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The fly replied, "Well, I liked the book." |
{ "49": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 49, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
50 | 2018-04-12 01:23:31 | Fox Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you call a fox with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the fox stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the fox cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a fox go "moo"? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk with foxes? A: She was crazy like a fox. Q: When do you have to dance like a fox? A: When your doing the fox trot. Q: How do you become the coach of the Chicago Bears? A: Be sly as a Fox. Q: What do you call a fox that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: Did you hear about the shapeshifter that met Medusa? A: She's now a stone cold fox. I've been fox hunting again, or stalking as my ginger ex-girlfriend calls it. Fox Pick Up Lines Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox! Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Foxasaurus If I was a fox, I'd jump in your hole! It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open! The Wife A guy brings a fox home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?" He repies , "In the bedroom." "But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. "I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a fox walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the foxes mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the fox. "Your name is written inside the cover." Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a fox in the other. "Now Listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy. "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go" Night of Drinking A man and his pet fox walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my fox." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the fox falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a fox." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a fox sitting next to him. "Are you a fox?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The fox replied, "Well, I liked the book." |
{ "50": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 50, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
51 | 2018-04-12 01:23:37 | Frog Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Why are frogs so happy? They eat watever bugs them! What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly. Whats a frogs favorite game? It's croak-et! What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth! What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio. How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs? They sit eggsaminations! Why are frogs so good at basketball? Because they always make jump shots. How do frogs die? They kermit suicide! What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, and thie other one says rub-it rub-it! What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad! What do you call a talking frog? A quantum leap. What's a frogs favorite flower? A croakus! What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad. How do you make frog legs? In a croak=pot. Whats the preferred car of frogs? The Beetle. What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel! What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog? A croakadile. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad. What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded amphibian! What do toads drink? Croak-a-cola! What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft! Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road? He was afraid of getting toad! What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half an apple! Where do frogs keep there money? In the riverbanks! What do frogs drink? Hot croako! What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts! What kind of shoes to frogs like? Open toad sandals! Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area! Where do frogs keep their treasure? In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow! Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions? A hot frog! What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year! What did the bus driver say to the frog? Hop on! What do you call a frog with no hind legs? Unhoppy! What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad! Whats the world weakest animal? A toad, he croaks if you even touch him! What kind of pole is short and floppy? A tadpole! What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit? A bunny ribbit. What happens when two frogs collide? They get tongue tied! What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Lily! What do drunk toads play? Hop-scotch What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog? A jumprope! Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog horn! What does a frog in Mcdonalds eat? French Flies. Where do you get frogs eggs? At the spawn shop! What does a frog say when it sees something great? Toadly awesome! What do stylish frogs wear? Jumpsuits! What did the frog say when he landed on a book? Reddit!reddit!reddit! How do frogs & rabbits settle their disputes? They play hopscotch! How does a frog win a gold medal? In the long jump. What's a toads favorite candy? Lollihops! What do you call a frog spy? A croak and dagger agent! How did the toad die? He simply croaked! What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a frog? An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them. What did the frog order at McDonald's? French flies and a diet Croak Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom! What do you say to a hitchhiking frog? Hop in! What do you call 144 frogs in a box? Gross! How does a frog pick his favorite baseball team? He jumps on the bandwagon. Did you hear about the frog who drowned? She jumped off the deep end. Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun? He wanted to robbit. What do you get when you plant a frog? A cr-oak tree. What is a frogs favorite place to eat? At ihop! What kind of music do frogs listen to? Hip Hop What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to? Hopera. Did you hear about the frog with glasses? He had to go to the Hopthalmologist. What did the sick frog need? a Hoperation. A cat told a frog "time flies when you are having fun" The frog corrected her "Actually it's time is fun when you're having flies!" When I was younger, I dressed ups a frog and robbed a bank. That was my first time that I Kerm-itted a crime. I told the guy at the towing company "Your slimier than a frog?" 20 minutes later he sent me a toad truck. Ever heard a frog fart? If not, you ain't squeezing him hard enough. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a frog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the frog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the frog. "Your name is written inside the cover." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a frog sitting next to him. "Are you a frog?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The frog replied, "Well, I liked the book." The Library One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching "bouk bouk" But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking "red-it red-it" |
{ "51": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 51, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
52 | 2018-04-12 01:23:39 | Giraffe Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam. Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time? A: I'd like to get to gnaw you. Q: What's the silliest name you can give a giraffe? A: Stumpy. Q: Why did the giraffe get bad grades? A: He had his head in the clouds. Q: Whats green and hangs from trees? A: Giraffe snot. Q: What do you call a royal giraffe? A: Your high-ness. Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffes with a police-man ? A: Long-arm of the Law ! Q: Why don't giraffes like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a giraffe, you've seen a maul. Q: What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? A: One has hydrolics and the other has high bollocks Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs? A: When there are two of them! Q: Why do giraffes have long necks? A: Because their feet smell! Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog? A: A twelve-foot toothbrush Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride. Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race? A: A longshot. Q: What do you call an animal that turns into a boat? A: a GIRRAFT. Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has? A: Baby giraffes! Q: Why was the giraffe late? A: Because he got caught in a giraffic jam! A giraffe walked in to a bar and the barman said whats with the long face. Religious Zookeeper The devout zookeeper lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out at the zoo. Three weeks later, a giraffe walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The zookeeper couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the giraffe's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the giraffe. "Your name is written inside the cover." Night of Drinking A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my giraffe." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the giraffe falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a baby giraffe sitting next to him. "Are you a baby giraffe?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The giraffe replied, "Well, I liked the book." How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" Then the student said "No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge." then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you" The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge." Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!" She laughs and walks away. |
{ "52": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 52, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
53 | 2018-04-12 01:23:42 | Goat Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol. What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean. What do you call a goat with one ear? Van goat. What do you call a spastic goat? Billy the kid. What do you call a goat on a mountain? Hillbilly. What do you call a goat that lip syncs? Billy-Vanilli. What do you call a goat playing the piano? Billy Joel. What do you call a Spanish goat with no back legs? Gracias. What do you call a redneck who owns 6 goats? A pimp. What do you call a goat hosting the Oscars? Billy Crystal. What do you call a goat with a beard? Goatee! What do you call the best 'butter' on the farm? A goat! What do you call a goat that was married to Angelina Jolie? Billy Bob Thorton. What do you call a goat that knows martial arts? Karate kid What do you call a goat dressed like a clown? A silly billy. What did Bill Murray say when he met Satan? I ain't afraid of no goats. What do you call a goat listening to country music? Billy Ray Cyrus. What do you call a billy secret agent? Goateneye. Like my goat impression? Thats because it's the Greatest Of All Time. A classroom of miniature goats were given a riddle by their teacher "now class is there anyone here that can solve this tricky problem?" The entire class put their hooves in the air and replied" Pigmy!! Pigme!!" Knock Knock Who's there? Goat! Goat who? Goat on a limb and open the door. Knock Knock Who's there? Goat! Goat who? Goat to believe in magic. Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a goat walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the goat's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the goat. "Your name is written inside the cover." Night of Drinking A man and his pet goat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my goat." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the goat falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a goat." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a goat sitting next to him. "Are you a goat?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The goat replied, "Well, I liked the book." Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a goat in the front seat. "What are you doing with that goat?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the goat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that goat to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a goat in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" Then the student said "No,the goat because he's still in the fridge." then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you" The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge." Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!" She laughs and walks away. |
{ "53": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 53, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
54 | 2018-04-12 01:23:47 | Gorilla Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What is a gorilla's favorite cookie? A: Chocolate chimp! Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A gorilla with a machine gun. How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!' What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A Kong-vict! How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show! How did the dog warn its master that a Gorilla was approaching? He barked g-r-r-r-illa! How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae! What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas? As little as possible, dummy! What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to Paris? Ape Suzettes! What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla? Anything it wants! What does a Gorilla attorney study? The Law of the jungle! What does a Gorilla learn first in school? The Apey-cees! What gives a gorilla good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school! What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen! What's black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank! Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. What's black, hairy, and writes under water? A ball-point gorilla! Why did the advertising company hire a bunch of primates? For a gorilla marketing campaign. When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers! Which author do the Gorillas love most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!' Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush? The Naked Ape! Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building? Fall-adelphia! Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour! Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug! Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman! Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite! Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare! Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite! Why did the girl Gorilla, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it! Why did the Gorilla fail English? He had little Ape-titude! Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Gorilla in my soup!' Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers. Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head? A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)! How does a Gorilla become another animal? When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon! How do you make a Gorilla laugh? Tell it a whale of a tale! How do you make a Gorilla float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla! Q: Why don't the gorillas in the jungle play poker any more? A: There are just too many Cheetahs. Q: What is as big as a gorilla but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow! Q: Why are gorillas so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo! How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You!' How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You!' Q: Where does a monkey cook his toast ? A: Under a gorilla! Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State building? A: Because he couldn't fit in the elevator! Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers! Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: It was dead. Q: What do monkeys do when they're mad at each other? A: They have a Gorilla war! Q: Why did the gorilla go to the doctor? A: Because his banana wasn't peeling very well! Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk? A: Sit somewhere else! Q: What's a monkey's favourite drink? A: A sas-gorilla. Q: How do gorillas get down the stairs? A: They slide down the banana-ster! Q: What do gorillas do when they go mad? A: Go bananas! Q: What do you call a gorilla playing quidditch? A: A hairy potter!! Q: What's a gorilla's favourite pop group? A: Bananarama! Q: What is a ape's favourite toy? A: A Bab-boom-orang! Q: What sort of key does a gorilla need to open a banana? A: A monk-key! Q: Where do gorillas like to get their hair cut? A: Vidal Baboon! Q: How do you stop a gorilla from charging? A: Take away his credit card! Q: What's a chimpanzee's favourite music band? A: The Gorillaz! Q: What did the banana say to the gorilla? A: Nothing, bananas don't talk! How do You? A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a gorilla in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" Then the student said "No,the gorilla because he's still in the fridge." then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you" The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge." Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!" She laughs and walks away. |
{ "54": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 54, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
55 | 2018-04-12 01:23:52 | Grasshopper Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket? Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper! What is green and can jump a mile in a minute? A grasshopper with hiccups! What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket! What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick! What do you call a grasshopper with no legs? A grasshover! What is a grasshoppers favorite sport? Cricket. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey we have a drink named after you." The surpised grasshopper says "You have a drink named Shaun?" Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a grasshopper walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the grasshopper's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the grasshopper. "Your name is written inside the cover." Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a grasshopper in the other. "Now Listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy. "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go" Night of Drinking A man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my grasshopper." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a grasshopper." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him. "Are you a grasshopper?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The grasshopper replied, "Well, I liked the book." |
{ "55": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 55, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
56 | 2018-04-12 01:23:55 | Groundhog Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Why don't they let Punxsutawney Phil watch TV? He keeps hogging the remote. What do you call a royal woodchuck? A crowned hog Where do sick groundhogs go? To the hogspital What is Punxsutawney Phil's favorite book? Holes What do you call a woodchuck's laundry? Hogwash How do groundhogs smell? With their noses What does Punxsutawney Phil do at a party? Go hog wild. What is a woodchucks favorite color? Mahogany! What do you call a groundhog that drives recklessly? A road hog. What do you call a woodchuck that plays basketball? A ball hog. Cold Winter In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we bring the pet groundhog inside, it is freezing out there." "But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies: "He will get used to it!" |
{ "56": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 56, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
57 | 2018-04-12 01:24:00 | Guinea Pig Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a guinea pig in the other. "Now Listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy. "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go" Pickup Truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of guinea pigs. He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with guinea pigs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says "OK"... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of guinea pigs, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these guinea pigs to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies... "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!" The Rat and the Guinea Pig A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is." The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a guinea pig and places him behind the piano. The guinea pig starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the guinea pig." Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?" The Drunk says, "Relax, the guinea pig is a ventriloquist" Night of Drinking A man and his pet guinea pig walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my guinea pig." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the guinea pig falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a guinea pig." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a guinea pig sitting next to him. "Are you a guinea pig?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The guinea pig replied, "Well, I liked the book." Q: What do you call a guinea pig with three eyes? A: A guinea piiig. Why was the Guinea Pig upset with his job? It didn't pay enough salary (celery). Why was the guinea pig's wife upset with her diamond ring? It wasn't enough karats (carrots) Q: What did the grape say when the guinea pig stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the guinea pig cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a guinea pig go "moo"? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a guinea pig that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Where does the sports obsessed Guinea Pig go to watch football? In his man-cavy. Q: When do guinea pigs run away from rain? A: When its raining cats and dogs! One guinea pig asks another guinea pig, "Why do we always eat lettuce?" The other guina pig replies and says, " What do you think?" What does the other Guinea Pig say back.? Because our owner Lets Us!! (as in Lettuce) |
{ "57": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 57, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
58 | 2018-04-12 01:24:02 | Hamster Jokes | Back to: Animal Jokes What do you call a hamster with a top hat? Abrahamster Lincoln What do you call a hamster with no legs? A furball. Where does a hamster go for Spring Break? Hamsterdam! What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A hamster sandwich! Why did the hamster run away? Because it didn't have a wheel! Why was the Hamster upset with his job? It didn't pay enough salary (celery). What did the mother hamster say to her children when they wanted a bedtime story? I don't have a tale! Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam (Amsterdam) What do you call a hamster with 3 legs? Hamputee. What do you call a hamster that can pick up an elephant ? Sir! What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster! What is white and brown and eats hamster food? My hamster! When does a hamster take a bath? When no one's looking! What do you call a hamster that can't run in a wheel? Hamateur. When do hamsters run away from rain? When its raining cats and dogs! The Rat and the Hamster A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is." The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster and places him behind the piano. The hamster starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the hamster." Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?" The Drunk says, "Relax, the hamster is a ventriloquist" Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a hamster sitting next to him. "Are you a hamster?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The hamster replied, "Well, I liked the book." |
{ "58": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 58, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
59 | 2018-04-12 01:24:08 | Handicap Parrot Joke | Back to: Animal Jokes This guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" ?"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." ?"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!" ?"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." ?"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" ?"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. ?I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." ?"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" ?"Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion." ?The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "I can't afford that," he says. "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. ?"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an ?offer!" ? ?The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. ?Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's ?interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. ?The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell?you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman" ?"What?" says the guy. ?"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." ?"What happened then?" asks the guy. ?"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. ?"My God!" the guy cries. "Then what?" ?"Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." ?The parrot pauses for a long time..... ?"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. ?"I don't know," says the Parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch." |
{ "59": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 59, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
60 | 2018-04-12 01:24:14 | Hedgehog Joke | Back to: Animal Jokes Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog? A: A six-foot toothbrush. Q: What's the difference between a police car and a hedgehog? A: A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside. What did the bird say to the hedgehog? "Ya prick!" Q: How do hedgehogs make love? A: Very, very carefully! Q: Why couldn't the hedgehog wash his hair? A: Because he'd left his head and shoulders on the road. Q: What do you call an hedgehog with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! Q: What did the grape say when the hedgehog stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: When does a hedgehog go "moo"? A: When it is learning a new language! Q: What do you call a hedgehog that can pick up an elephant ? A: Sir! Q: Who's faster, Sonic the hedgehog or a Japanese bullet train? A: A bullet train of course, Sonic doesn't actually exist. Q: What is a hedgehog's favorite flavour of chips? A: Prickled Onion! Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road? A: To see his flat mate! Q: What do you call a hedgehog with hot lips? A: Sonic the Hedge-Snog. Q: What do you get when you cross a bush and a pig? A: A hedgehog! Q: What's the difference between a Mercedes and a hedgehog? A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine! Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a hedgehog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the hedgehog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the hedgehog. "Your name is written inside the cover." Nasty Little Boy A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a hedgehog in the other. "Now Listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy. "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go" African Hedgehog "What's the difference between the United States hedgehog and the African hedgehog," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the United States species has a longer prick." This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the United States species has a longer 'quill'. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size." Night of Drinking A man and his pet hedgehog walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my hedgehog." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the hedgehog falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a hedgehog." Movies A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a hedgehog sitting next to him. "Are you a hedgehog?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The hedgehog replied, "Well, I liked the book." Front Seat A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a hedgehog in the front seat. "What are you doing with that hedgehog?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the hedgehog again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that hedgehog to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" |
{ "60": { "category_1_x_joke.id": 60, "category_1.id": 1, "category_1.ts": "2018-04-12 01:14:14", "category_1.title": "Animal Jokes" } } |
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